Some Details

Yesterday was better, so I think I can manage to write more about what's going on.

I was out of the state b/t Thurs-Sat for the annual, national conference in my field, which resulted in some pretty great things (beyond getting to see my 18th-c peeps). While there, I discussed the professional conundrum Hubby and I are in with my position as an adjunct, and I received lots of advice on how I might push forward through various administrative channels to get more answers on the possibility of a full-time position (not necessarily tenure-track). The advice ranged from "Go to the union rep!" to "Have an open-ended talk with your department chair..." and other ideas about meeting with the EEO officer, the Provost, etc. So, I reflected on the advice, talked with Hubby, formed a plan, and began with a meeting with my department chair on Wednesday.

To make a long story short: there is no possibility of a full-time position for me at New England School. It turns out, the school is actually being SUED by the union for the exploitation/overuse of adjunct faculty, so it's not like the administration is in a position to be "afraid" of union action. The litigation will take months, if not years, and will likely result in little change even *if* the union wins the suit. I was informed that the Dean and Provost both know of the shortage of full-time faculty in English, the fact that we're nowhere near our peer schools in the ratio of full-time to adjunct faculty, and neither of them really care because they know it works best for the bottom line.

My chair was, for the first time, quite personable, empathetic, and encouraging. He completely understands our desire to stay, but also knows that we cannot continue indefinitely without full-time employment for both of us. He was happy to hear about other (non-British lit) courses I can teach and agreed to give me whatever he could to balance out the composition classes. He is happy to observe one of my courses and write a recommendation letter for me when I go back on the job market in the fall. In short, he's just as frustrated as anyone else, but his hands are tied.

The other stuff is all family related. I'm not sure if I can blog about it, if I should, if it would help anything....Essentially, my brother sent me a 7-page "manifesto," which he's been working on for more than two years, about what an awful person I am to be around, how much I hurt/offend/put off other people, how this all pisses him off, how I'm "filling a void" with my foodie nature, and on and on. There are many instances in the letter where he is simply factually WRONG, and other cases where he's referring to old shit. In some examples, he makes no logical sense, and in others I see pure hypocrisy. Ultimately, the entire thing demonstrates his ability and willingness to feel empathy for everyone else around him, except me. He attempts to identify how he and other family members feel without ever thinking about the possibility of any other perspective.

The whole thing occupied every cell of my brain all day Thursday, and even now I must work very hard to concentrate on anything else. I'm incredibly hurt, angry, frustrated, depressed, exhausted, and confused. I'm not sure how I want to respond. Hubby suggested that the letter says more about my brother than it does me, and I think that's a good point. I let him read it in order to get a third-party perspective to see if there was any truth in the accusations. He pointed out a couple things I could work on, but generally concluded it was mostly a heaping pile of bullshit.

This has just been a bad week...next week needs to be better. This too shall pass, right?

You Have No Idea

how completely, utterly shitty I feel right now. Some of it's job related, but mostly it's family related (not my husband, children, or in-laws). I don't have it in me to write more at the moment because the little ones will see me crying, which makes them worry, and they should never have to worry about the stuff Mama has to deal with.

And presto, I'm a generalist?

So, one thing about being an adjunct at a school where most of the adjuncts *do not* have the PhD is that I get scraps. These are courses that someone else couldn't/wouldn't teach or something changed in their schedule and they'll be gone or doing some administrative work or something. This semester, I got two Shakespeare sections, which are a new prep, but going very well, and I'm loving the Bard! For the summer, I landed the Johnson course, which will be great. And today, I just got a call from my dept. chair asking if I'd be interested in teaching a Recent British Fiction course in the fall. Uh, duh??? YES!!

Never mind that I could barely even think of two recent British writers, or that I wasn't quite sure how to define "recent." Ultimately, I get what I get, and I don't throw a fit. This is essentially the attitude all adjunct must have if they want to stay employed, right? So, yes, if I keep up this pace--every semester getting some random literature course--I'll be a viable contender for British generalist positions. Ooooh great, because those are SO much more in demand! {{super snarkiness intended}}

Now, back to figuring out what the hell I want to read in the fall.... Any suggestions? I *do not* like sci-fi, so I will not be including Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, and any such stuff. Sorry, it just ain't my bag.

RBoC

Yes, I'm lame, I have no time to write, and all I do is complain these days anyway...so shoot me. Here's the low-down

Good

• I scored a summer course in my field! A seminar on The Age of Johnson, and I'm so nerdtastically happy about it, except I still have no decisions on texts....
• I also scored a third class for the fall (yay, we'll be able to eat)
• Hubby won a fellowship to a Military History Summer Seminar at Westoint!
• I'll be sitting in sunny San Antonio in 3 days, sipping margaritas, inhaling Mexican food, and catching up with all my favorite 18th-c. peeps! Oh, and my brother just moved there, so I get to crash at his place for free :)
• My mom came up last week, and it was a good visit! I was not in the best shape (see below), but we enjoyed our time together and she was a huge help.
• We finished painting our dining room, and it is beautiful! It's actually my most favorite room in the house. I have every design detail planned, it's just a matter of saving the money to buy all the pieces I want. Really folks, it's so great. Sunny, airy, light, but calming and fresh and inviting. It took four paint samples to find the right shade of yellow, but Pottery Barn's connection to Benjamin Moore paints had this perfect shade. It's called Hawthorne Yellow, and I love it!

I paired it with a really light, matte shade of green called Willow Wind, and the combination is just what I wanted for the room: warmth and color, while being able to draw on the dark wood of our dining table.

Not So Good

• I hurt my back a couple weeks ago. I was painting, I bent down properly, and I couldn't get up. The urgent care person ordered an x-ray, but my primary care doc said I didn't need it b/c there were no sign of nerve damage (which is what would signal a herniated disc). So, she did neither an x-ray nor an MRI, treated my like a drug-seeking junkie off the street, and demonstrated how to bend at the knee to pick things up. Despite my requests to try to find out what/if anything had happened to my lower back, I was offered steroids, valium (to use as a muscle relaxer), lidoderm pain patches (worthless), and low-dose vicodin. I want to function, play with my kids, get my work done, go to the gym. I do not want to be high. I want to prevent and/or correct any health problem or injury I have. I do not want to stockpile drugs. Evidently, addiction to prescription pain pills is a problem in the area, so my guess is that I was stereotyped. Either that, or she just thinks I'm a weenie?
• I have no time to work. Seriously. Like, ever.
• Hubby's fellowship will take him away for three weeks. I will be a single mom of three for three weeks during a time when the younger two won't be in daycare at all. That's enough to make me seek drugs!
• Even when I'm working out, which defnitely helps my mood, I feel lost and depressed, like nobody understands what I going through (with work, with the lack of friends, with the uncertain career), and I just want to escape it all. Crawl into bed for three days and not even come out to see the light of day.

There's more, but I only get to work after the kids are in bed, and it's pushing 10:00, so off to hit Othello.

I've reached that point...

where I completely resent the situation I'm in. Let me be very clear about this. I do not resent my husband. What I resent is the fact that I'm underemployed.

Why? Because this fact means that we cannot afford full-time child care. The girls only go 3 days a week (MWF), the days that I have to teach, and I stay home with them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. There are times when this is enjoyable. Today, however, was not one of them. Today, it felt like a reminder that I have failed to get a full-time academic job. It was a reminder that I'm not SAHM material, nor have I ever wanted to be a SAHM. It was a reminder that I will very likely have to make a decision soon about whether or not to leave academia (even though there's absolutely no reason to think it will be any easier to get a job outisde of academia). Ultimately, it was a reminder that I'm in this position *not* by choice, but by circumstance, and nothing grates on me worse than feeling like I've been forced into something.

I understand that there are just some bad days occasionally. Yes, today was one helluva bad day. One simple fucking errand--to exchange two pairs of jeans for the correct size at Kohls with all three kids in tow--turned into me sobbing while driving down the road. Eliza was patient as she tried on three pairs, making sure we got the size that fit, and it all went down hill after that. Amelia climbing out of the child seat on the cart, running around the check-out area, grabbing stuffed animals, flailing on the ground, only then for me to realize I grabbed the WRONG size off the shelf. Customers behind me staring, but nodding understandingly, the cashier realizing how full my hands were, and me having to go back to the children's aisle again. Then, standing in line to try a second time for the exchange, while I hold a screaming, kicking Amelia and everyone around stares at me. Hannah was with me, and she did the best she could to help out, walking away with Amelia and keeping her occupied while I finished up. But, the damage was done.

By the time we left the store and headed home, I'd had enough and I just burst into tears. The girls rarely see me cry, so it was a bit of a shock to them. Amelia was still crying, but even Eliza tried to calm her down. We continued with our plans for the day, but by the time Hubby got home at 2:30, it was all I could do not to pack a suitcase, head out of town, and book a hotel room for a few days.

Because of the new Shakespeare classes, I literally have more work (class prep and grading) to do this semester with less time to do it. This doesn't just affect work load for teaching, but it completely eliminates ANY possibility of doing my own research, another thing I've come to resent.

I applied for several local community college jobs, as well as an administrative job at our school, all with no luck. I've never felt so demoralized, anxious, and uncertain as I do now. The academic job market in my field has completely dried up for the season; there is no more "Spring market." So, now what? I'm guessing running away isn't the answer, but the conference trip I have in a few weeks certainly couldn't come at a better time.

**Note: this was drafted last Tuesday, but I'm just now getting to post it.

Things I'd Love To Do

Lots of people have a "lotto list," alist of things they'd do if they won the lottery. I don't play the lotto, so my version is a list of things I'd do if I just had a full-time job (even if I had to save up a while).

I'd love

1. A weekend getaway to NYC with Hubby. We could have a great dinner somewhere fabulous, then catch a show, and spend a few hours doing the museum thing, all sans kids. Of course, we'd only be able to do this if we had a reliable, mature babysitter who could handle a weekend job. I don't know if this will be possible until the kids are out of the house, but God it would be nice!

2. Have a spa day. Like, the whole. entire. day. Massage, facial, hair, pedicure, the works.

3. Go to more museums in nearby New England Town.

4. Eat at a decent restaurant once a week with my family.

5. Take the family back to Home State for a visit this summer.

6. Buy the perfect buffet table for the dining room.

7. Get my hair trimmed on a regular basis (more frequently than once every 5 months).

8. Move forward with kitchen renovations.

9. Buy new shoes when I need them.

10. Start planning our next family vacation!

New England Living and Other Stuff

We got our first good, solid snowfall this week, about 4.5 inches overnight Thursday, and then another 5-6 inches yesterday. It was beautiful! They're well prepared for snow here, and all the main roads were plowed and sanded by the time I commuted to campus at 8:00 a.m. Friday morning. Though we missed church this morning (somehow I woke up with a fever??), I managed to improve enough to go play in the snow with the girls. We made snow angels, I pulled them around in the sled, and we had snowball fights. I felt so amazingly blessed and happy to be here! We don't often feel that way in life, do we? Or, if we do, it seems fleeting and somehow associated with something temporal, like a vacation to some place exotic or something.

I mustered the gumption to head to the gym this afternoon, a much needed event since I didn't make it in the past two days. I forgot to mention that I've lost over 1% body fat in about 10 days!! That's a huge thing for me to see as progress, since the scales aren't actually going down. I still occasionally have some back and neck pain, but the doctor is planning on doing a second ablation procedure, which basically burns the nerve endings so that they can't send pain signals to the brain. The procedure lasts anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, and I'll be thankful for any pain-free time I can get!

I've started teaching my classes, and I know I'm going to LOVE teaching Shakespeare!! My students are fun, they're talking about how interesting the historical context is, and they're putting the context alongside the text in really productive ways--hooray!

The new schedule is still a bit crazy, and I'm supposed to be home schooling Eliza, yet I haven't chosen a curriculum yet. I feel completely unqualified, and I really don't know *how* to do this. So, for now, we're doing several worksheets, covering basics, and I'm trying to get a solid idea of what she knows and where she needs to do some extra work. I'm really hoping I can something more formal in place soon, so that we'll feel like it's more "school"-like.