The Urge Toward "Other Options"

After this year's job market experience, in which I expected nothing and got nothing, I'd decided not to enter into the spring job market so as not to take any time away from the dissertation. Though there are never any guarantees, I remain hopeful that, with PhD in hand, my next job market run (Dec 09) will be better (not like it could be worse, right?). The problem/issue is that I can't seem to shake the thought, feeling, or maybe urge is the best word, that I'm ready to be done and move on. By this I mean primarily to have a full-time job. A colleague put it best today when she described this urge as my way of disassociating myself from my department, school, and this town. I'm mentally preparing myself for the moving on that will happen when I get a job. The problem is that I'm not terribly patient when it comes to things other than my children. Maybe it's partly in my nature and partly a result from having two children and a third on the way, but I'm seriously wondering if I should consider "other options," options that depart from the traditional

Step 1: finish diss and hit job market in Dec w/PhD in hand, with the hope of
Step 2: landing a t-t job at the best 4-year school I can find and then
Step 3: publishing my way up to a better school, and so on, and so on.

For example, there are full-time, tenure-track positions open in my field AND my husband's field at a community college (the largest public institution of higher education) in his big, urban, hometown. The course load is 4-4, which would very likely be the course load at any school we'd land jobs at right after we finish. The cost of living is higher, but I'm guessing that the salary accounts for the cost of living. So, my dilemma is whether or not to consider options like this at this point.

On one hand: I have another year of funding as a grad student (teaching only one course per semester), though I won't need another academic year to finish. I have yet to see how the job market treats me with a PhD in hand (neither does my husband). I've been told by the "powers that be" in my department's graduate office that funding as a lecturer will very likely be available for 2-3 years after I finish. I have a history of short-changing myself and my work, thinking neither are good or smart enough; this especially happens when I get scared of unknown factors (i.e. an even worse economy next year, not getting a job even with a PhD in hand, not getting a publication out before or soon after I'm finished).

I'm not sure sure what's on the other hand....Maybe the possibility that I could hate teaching at a cc? Or worse, I'd hate it, but no 4-year would hire after I'd been at a cc? Is there a stigma associated with teaching at cc's that prevents you from moving on to good 4-year universities? What are the statistics for how many people move from a cc to a 4-year? I'm also pretty sure my advisor would expressly discourage me considering this option, at least at this point, unless there were extenuating circumstances (family, personal issues, etc.). I don't have a good sense of self-awareness in terms of knowing with any certainty where or at what kind of school I'd be happy. There are definitely some places I know I'd be miserable at, but how do I know if I'd be happy teaching at a cc (or any other school) if I haven't yet done so? I can't stand the thought of teaching nothing but introductory composition and literature forever, but I also shudder at the thought of the pressure to publish, publish, publish, OR ELSE!

I guess I have the academic equivalent of cold feet or something...I feel the urge to get a damn job now, as long as its one that I could be remotely comfortable with (full-time, tenure-track, not in the desert or CA, FL, ND, SD, WY, or several other states where I don't think I'd be happy living). But, I also recognize the sense it makes to chill out, relax, and follow the Traditional Path of Academic Progress, especially when there's absolutely nothing to lose (at this point) by doing so.

Ugh...this is one of those times where I really wish I had a wide audience who could wisely guide toward the light.

What I Want, What I Tell Myself

Today I had an unexpected, brief talk with a member of my committee, who's recently taken on the role of Placement Coordinator for our department. She asked if I planned on hitting the market next year and gave me some general tips, many of which I knew or had already heard about (i.e. don't be surprised if I don't get anything the first year, don't take it personally, etc.). I was explaining a few of the factors that would play into my particular job search that I think might make it a teeny tiny bit easier, one of which being that I didn't want to end up at a Research I school. This seemed to surprise her, as she said, as if to confirm that she heard me correctly, "You don't want to work at an RI?" I wiggled a bit, simply saying that right now, I'm not sure that an RI school is definitely where I'd like to be.

This got me thinking. Why not?

She didn't ask for any reasons (thank goodness), but I nonetheless came away wondering why it was I seem to have already decided this. I think there are some possible reasons:

- my presumption that RI equals stuffy, crazy department full of over-inflated egos?

- maybe I'm not smart enough to work under the pressure of a publish, publish, publish environment?

- maybe I'm not smart enough to publish, publish, publish to begin with?

- my presumption that there's no way I could work at an RI and be successful as both an academic and a parent?

- maybe saying I don't want to work at a RI is a way of not having to deal with being rejected from RIs, which would subsequently make me feel insecure?

- maybe I haven't yet decided what's "harder" for me: research or teaching?

- myabe I like to tell myself that teaching makes a difference to those students in my classes?

- maybe I'm afraid there's not a single RI school in which I'd "fit in;" that is, there seems to be a concept of Research I Material and I'm not it

- or maybe it's simply of way of convincing myself that not wanting an RI job will make it easier for me to get a job at all?

I don't know if the answer lies in any of these possibilities. Or perhaps in all of them combined. I do know, however, that I seem to be telling myself something that may not be quite right. I know I want to teach at a school with a graduate program. And I know I'm not cut out to teach at a community college (I tried...I just won't do it again), which leads me to think I don't want to be at a "teaching school." But there's a lot of area in between, right?

I also wonder if this is part of the process of becoming an academic: the finding where you belong aspect. And then there's the idea that one can't really "know" where one belongs at this stage (the dissertation writing stage). Does everyone go through this? Most people? Surely I'm not the only one? It's times like this when I wish I had more readers.