Academic Self-Loathing

I don't know if this is an "official" diagnosis or not, but that's what I'm calling my mood these days. Once upon a time, before the defense of my dissertation in April, I used to think I was a decent writer, thinker, and student. Now, not so much. I keep thinking that I'm over it [the defense] and that I've shaken the feelings of embarrassment and inadequacy that it left me with, but clearly that's not the case.

My previous impressions about my academic abilities were based on good grades, positive feedback, etc, etc. Of course, once one gets to graduate school, everyone has good grades and positive feedback. Everyone is smart, even though a few rise to the top of the pile and get awards, accolades, etc. As I wrote my dissertation, I received the kind of feedback from my advisor that lent me to think that my writing was good and my ideas were, at least, interesting. I never thought of my project as groundbreaking or spectacular, but I knew (and still know) there's a space for it in my field. There's definitely a niche for my work, and I can only hope and pray that one day I'll get to fill it with a published version of my dissertation.

After the defense, however, I was left feeling pretty much like shit about my writing (BTW: my advisor said nothing that contributed to this feeling). Some of the errors that made it onto the copies my committee members read had already been corrected by the time I defended. There were three weeks in between the time I submitted it to them and the time I defended. I got the impression that it was more important to give them that reading time than it was to keep looking for/correcting typos, grammatical errors, etc., so I turned it over to them while I kept proofreading. And, I faced the consequences of that in my defense. At one point, I just looked down at my watch and prayed that it would be over.

The good news (according to my advisor, who could see that I needed some moral support) was that everyone "bought" the argument. The problems were issues of style, tone, organization, and development. That's a lot of problems folks. So now, I'm doubting everything. I'm trying to move on to a new project, and I'm thinking to myself, "This idea isn't good enough. Surely someone's already said that. This isn't going to go anywhere" and so forth.... Maybe part of it is due to the fact that the new project is really new. That is, I've spent the last 5 years working on English women's comedy between 1670 and 1722, and now I'm working on the memoirs of a woman who was born in Italy, educated in France, and spent a great deal of time in the English court of Charles II. I'm looking at a text that's both memoir and travel narrative and attending to issues related to the material culture of authorship. Yeah, not exactly comfortable territory for me these days...

I feel so completely uncertain about my initial thoughts that I'm even hesitant to pass them along to my advisor. I really don't know what to do here...I'm wondering if some of this is normal, but something tells me that this is *not* something everyone goes through.