Since IntlExptr (from Here, There, and Everywhere) posed the inquiry in the comments to my last post, and since I'm in a writing mood, I thought I'd offer a little description of a young AcadeMama in the making. What was I like at 11 years old?
Well, my parents had just divorced, and my Mom got full custody after a very long, drawn-out, nasty court battle. At the time, in my head, I thought this was a horrible thing because I saw her as the disciplinarian. You see, while my Dad was off in the Middle East on an oil rig for a month at a time, my Mom was raising my brother and I, and she didn't have a lot of help. Shortly after the divorce, my Mom was diagnosed with a rare disease, Guillain Barre Syndrome (pronounce gee-YAN bah-RAY)...a rapid sickness, mediflight to Home State Capital City, and within a matter of hours, she was paralyzed from the neck down. One of her lungs collapsed, and she was on a ventilator for weeks. So, my brother and I "got" to go live with my Dad, who'd found himself a young, little barfly to act as stepmom/babysitter for us, while he continued to work. Oh, and he also told my brother and I that my Mom had a form of AIDS because she was, essentially a slut.
So, how does that affect a young girl like me? Well, I thought I was ugly, and thus adored my father's attention, despite the fact that he literally put the fear of God into me with his voice when he was angry. I was smart, I liked to play independently, but I knew more about adult things than any 11-year old should know. People around me didn't think that I was listening, but I was. I didn't always understand, but now I do. I felt horribly ugly and awkard. I was very tall, slim and athletic build, with no chest (things that resulted in me being tormented about for years). Add to that the fact that my stepmother decreed that I was not allowed to wear make-up or shave my legs, and I was virtually the laughing stock of 6th grade. I desperately sought attention from boys, even though I didn't "chase" them, if that makes sense. But never, I repeat NEVER, did I speak to my father or mother with the kind of disrespect with which Hannah speaks to me. If it were my father, I would have been hit with a belt...this was, after all, the man who headbutted me for opening a can of soup for breakfast. With my mother, and once I was a teenager, I was a smartass and sarcastic, and I thought I knew everything. I was shady and tried to break all sorts of rules (usually with great success...stealing her car in the middle of the night, drinking and smoking at friends' houses, etc.). But I always knew where the line was with her, and I never crossed it. Hannah? She jumps right over the line and doesn't even realize it.
I didn't have to try to do well in school. Basketball was the one thing that made me special because I was good...really, really good. But it wasn't enough to make me popular or pretty or rich enough to buy cool clothes (another hard thing to find when you're 6' at about 13 years old). I was non-confrontational because I had no self-esteem. I had an absent father, which simply added to my desire for a male voice that confirmed my worth. I thought I knew everything I needed to know, and I actually was mature in some ways. I always managed to balance my mischief with very clever deception, good grades, and the appearance of "normal behavoir."
Much of what I see from Hannah didn't come with me until I was well into my teens, and I'd decided to move back in with my mom (after she recovered and got out of the hospital). When I told my Dad that I wanted to move back in with Mom, he told me to take every picture of me in the house with me because he didn't want anything to remember me by. What does that do to a 12-year old?
I'm still trying to figure that one out...but none of it was good, which is why I have lots of baggage. I don't know how to be the parent Hannah needs me to be, the kind of wife and co-parent Hubby deserves, and carry all this baggage around too. Obviously, I had a fantastic mother, and my father taught me everything I needed to know about what *not* to do. I know what I need to do for myself, but I just don't have time to fit therapy in my schedule right now. There are some skeletons I'm just not ready to deal with right now, and taking care of my kids is my priority. For now, I pray....I pray for patience, strength, less swearing, less anger, the ability to distinguish between enabling a poor work ethic in Hannah and offering the opportunity for her to learn from failure. I pray with thankfulness, though, for all the gifts we have: health, each other, and the willingness to get through this together, no matter how long it takes. I literally fall asleep in prayer most nights, and I hope God understands.
Showing posts with label ADHD journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADHD journey. Show all posts
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, February 24, 2008
A Reason to Celebrate
Well deserving of a post of its own is.....On Friday H brought home the very first 6-Week Report Card that reflects her academic performance after being on her meds. The results:
3 A's
2 89's
These are the first A's she's received in the entire school year! And most of these grades are the highest she's gotten yet in 3rd grade! To see the look of confidence and pride on her face Friday was worth the world. I was truly bursting with pride at her accomplishment; I knew she could do it!
3 A's
2 89's
These are the first A's she's received in the entire school year! And most of these grades are the highest she's gotten yet in 3rd grade! To see the look of confidence and pride on her face Friday was worth the world. I was truly bursting with pride at her accomplishment; I knew she could do it!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
No Rest for the Weary
Gosh, there's so much to catch up on here in the blog world. I've managed to read a few blogs here and there since we've been back, but other than that, I've been lucky just to keep my head above water. We got back last Saturday - back to our own little bubble - and enjoyed dinner out with friends, which left us Sunday to unpack, launder, and put away clothes, etc.
As Fate would have it, H started complaining of a really bad toothache on Sunday. I checked out her gums, and yep, two of her adult side molars had already cut through, despite the fact that the baby teeth were still there -- OUCH! An emergency dentist appointment on Monday resulted in 3 of her teeth getting extracted and $125 getting extracted from my wallet. On top of this, my students' final papers were due the next day, so you can just imagine how many of them were e-mailing me or wanting to meet for a conference to discuss revisions to their drafts. They really have no clue that I have a life outside of teaching them, do they??
On Tuesday, I turned my attention to revising a Statement of Research I'm submitting as part of an application to attend a faculty seminar at Big Early Modern Research Institute. It just so happens that the seminar topic is focused on some of the exact same questions that I investigate in my dissertation, and it's being directed by a scholar whose work is foundational to my project. This is all well and good, you see, except for one tiny thing: I'm not a faculty member. My university is part of the Institute's consortium, and they've occasionally admitted an advanced graduate student to a seminar, but it's a rarity. The Institute's Director reviewed my statement, however, and had lots of positive things to say with *no* recommendations for revisions, and I'll have two letters of recommendation from committee members who've led or will be leading seminars there as well, so I think my application packet is about as good as it can be right now. I'll hope for the best, but expect nothing....Keep your fingers crossed for me though!
H's medication had been taking effect, and we're generally quite impressed with the changes we've seen. Here is a sample of the new and improved H:
- on the flight back from Big NE Town, she did 4 homework sheets, back-to-back, on her
own! She searched the text to find answers by herself, she didn't feel the need to take any
breaks, and her work was accurate! I've NEVER seen her do work like that before; it was
simply amazing!
- when we got back last weekend, we let her invite a friend for a sleepover. This friend is one
she often bickers with quite a bit, because the two of them are a lot alike in some ways. This
time, though, H was willing to compromise with and even accommodate her friend on things
like which movie to watch at bedtime or whether or not to sleep with a night-light. Usually
when they argue, it's like WWIII and H is so sensitive that she gets her feelings hurt at every
little thing.
- She remembers what she's been asked to do!! When I ask her to go brush her teeth, she
goes right to the bathroom, brushes, and it's done. She doesn't get sidetracked by the
commercial on t.v. or her sister playing with a toy in the floor as she walks by. She
remembers what the task is and finishes it.
Now, this is not to say things are perfect. The one main issue we have now is The Wall: the period in the evening when her meds start to wear off (usually around 7:30). Because this is also the time when she finishes up homework, takes a bath, and gets ready for bed, The Wall effect has been a nightmare at times. Thursday night I ended up in tears in the bedroom because I was so spent after having argued/explained/tried to talk to her about a homework assignment. She didn't have any questions, and the task was very simple - write an introductory paragraph describing the special person you've chosen to write a story about - but nothing I said was what she wanted to hear. And worse, nothing much of what she said was making any sense. It's become a regular habit for her, during these Wall effect battles, to tell me she hates me, that I'm the worst mom ever, or that she wishes I weren't her mother. I know she can't control what she's saying. I know it's the meds wearing off, and I know she's sincerely sorry almost as soon as she hears the words come out of her mouth. Nonetheless, it hurts. It hurts every time, and it gets really tough to be patient and gentle and forgiving and pretend like it's okay.
There are obviously other medication options, but they each come with their own disadvantages (peaks and valleys, for example). She goes for follow-up visits to both the pediatrician and the psychologist this week, so I plan on talking with them both to see if a)this is something that can be helped at all by the meds and b)what kind of response to this behavior would be most effective. I can't believe that I'm just supposed to sit there and take it, but I also can't imagine punishing my child for something she has relatively little control over.
And just when I thought a Break was near, losing the past two weeks of dissertation work time - on top of Christmas week, when I'll have 2 sets of houseguests - means that there will be no Break for me. I'm ready to get back to work, but the thought of having no Break in sight is a bit depressing right now, because I really am tired. So tired.
As Fate would have it, H started complaining of a really bad toothache on Sunday. I checked out her gums, and yep, two of her adult side molars had already cut through, despite the fact that the baby teeth were still there -- OUCH! An emergency dentist appointment on Monday resulted in 3 of her teeth getting extracted and $125 getting extracted from my wallet. On top of this, my students' final papers were due the next day, so you can just imagine how many of them were e-mailing me or wanting to meet for a conference to discuss revisions to their drafts. They really have no clue that I have a life outside of teaching them, do they??
On Tuesday, I turned my attention to revising a Statement of Research I'm submitting as part of an application to attend a faculty seminar at Big Early Modern Research Institute. It just so happens that the seminar topic is focused on some of the exact same questions that I investigate in my dissertation, and it's being directed by a scholar whose work is foundational to my project. This is all well and good, you see, except for one tiny thing: I'm not a faculty member. My university is part of the Institute's consortium, and they've occasionally admitted an advanced graduate student to a seminar, but it's a rarity. The Institute's Director reviewed my statement, however, and had lots of positive things to say with *no* recommendations for revisions, and I'll have two letters of recommendation from committee members who've led or will be leading seminars there as well, so I think my application packet is about as good as it can be right now. I'll hope for the best, but expect nothing....Keep your fingers crossed for me though!
H's medication had been taking effect, and we're generally quite impressed with the changes we've seen. Here is a sample of the new and improved H:
- on the flight back from Big NE Town, she did 4 homework sheets, back-to-back, on her
own! She searched the text to find answers by herself, she didn't feel the need to take any
breaks, and her work was accurate! I've NEVER seen her do work like that before; it was
simply amazing!
- when we got back last weekend, we let her invite a friend for a sleepover. This friend is one
she often bickers with quite a bit, because the two of them are a lot alike in some ways. This
time, though, H was willing to compromise with and even accommodate her friend on things
like which movie to watch at bedtime or whether or not to sleep with a night-light. Usually
when they argue, it's like WWIII and H is so sensitive that she gets her feelings hurt at every
little thing.
- She remembers what she's been asked to do!! When I ask her to go brush her teeth, she
goes right to the bathroom, brushes, and it's done. She doesn't get sidetracked by the
commercial on t.v. or her sister playing with a toy in the floor as she walks by. She
remembers what the task is and finishes it.
Now, this is not to say things are perfect. The one main issue we have now is The Wall: the period in the evening when her meds start to wear off (usually around 7:30). Because this is also the time when she finishes up homework, takes a bath, and gets ready for bed, The Wall effect has been a nightmare at times. Thursday night I ended up in tears in the bedroom because I was so spent after having argued/explained/tried to talk to her about a homework assignment. She didn't have any questions, and the task was very simple - write an introductory paragraph describing the special person you've chosen to write a story about - but nothing I said was what she wanted to hear. And worse, nothing much of what she said was making any sense. It's become a regular habit for her, during these Wall effect battles, to tell me she hates me, that I'm the worst mom ever, or that she wishes I weren't her mother. I know she can't control what she's saying. I know it's the meds wearing off, and I know she's sincerely sorry almost as soon as she hears the words come out of her mouth. Nonetheless, it hurts. It hurts every time, and it gets really tough to be patient and gentle and forgiving and pretend like it's okay.
There are obviously other medication options, but they each come with their own disadvantages (peaks and valleys, for example). She goes for follow-up visits to both the pediatrician and the psychologist this week, so I plan on talking with them both to see if a)this is something that can be helped at all by the meds and b)what kind of response to this behavior would be most effective. I can't believe that I'm just supposed to sit there and take it, but I also can't imagine punishing my child for something she has relatively little control over.
And just when I thought a Break was near, losing the past two weeks of dissertation work time - on top of Christmas week, when I'll have 2 sets of houseguests - means that there will be no Break for me. I'm ready to get back to work, but the thought of having no Break in sight is a bit depressing right now, because I really am tired. So tired.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
When It Rains, It Pours: Thanksgiving Edition of RBoC
- On Tuesday, H had her interview with the clinical psychologist. After he finished, he said he was ready to make his diagnosis. He diagnosed it as a "classic" case of ADHD-Inattentive Dominant. We'll now see our pediatrician to discuss meds, then back to the Psych a couple weeks later for parent training (a weird name for what is basically a discussion of we - as a family unit - can help H be successful at home).
- My brother, who's 26, broke his nose for the second time earlier this week.
- This same brother found 2 testicular lumps, and the person in charge of reading the results of the ultrasound isn't back in the office until next week. (Note: my brother is currently in vet school on an island in the Caribbean, which isn't really the first place I think of when I imagine top-notch medical care).
- After waking from a 6-hour recuperative nap yesterday, my mom watched E while hubby and I went to dinner and a movie (No Country for Old Men...very good, very McCarthy, very much not the kind of narrative the people in Home State can get, much less appreciate).
- I've single-handedly gotten my mother (who previously rarely ever drank any kind of alcohol) hooked on this fabulous aperitif wine I had last weekend when hubby and I went out to celebrate our anniversary. On Thanksgiving Day, she had at least 3-4 glasses!!
- My brother, who's 26, broke his nose for the second time earlier this week.
- This same brother found 2 testicular lumps, and the person in charge of reading the results of the ultrasound isn't back in the office until next week. (Note: my brother is currently in vet school on an island in the Caribbean, which isn't really the first place I think of when I imagine top-notch medical care).
- After waking from a 6-hour recuperative nap yesterday, my mom watched E while hubby and I went to dinner and a movie (No Country for Old Men...very good, very McCarthy, very much not the kind of narrative the people in Home State can get, much less appreciate).
- I've single-handedly gotten my mother (who previously rarely ever drank any kind of alcohol) hooked on this fabulous aperitif wine I had last weekend when hubby and I went out to celebrate our anniversary. On Thanksgiving Day, she had at least 3-4 glasses!!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Random Notes and Catching Up
Last week was a bit of a blur as I conferenced yet again with H's teachers, re-read the novel I'm teaching (Roxana), evaluated about 20 rough drafts, prepared for and followed through with the obligatory Halloween festivities, and spent lots of extra time helping H with various homework-related tasks. For about four straight nights, I didn't go to bed before 1:00 a.m. --- this is in contrast to my usual 10:00 p.m. bedtime. What little time I had in between all of this was spent trying desperately to finish the draft of my first full dissertation chapter. So, by the time the weekend arrived, I was ready for some much needed vegetation (as in I was the vegetable). Thus, here are some random notes to catch things up:
- H's teachers were happy to report that they've been noticing some improvement already. She came home with almost all Bs on her homework grades last week, and she made an A on her continents & oceans test! Whether this is due to them moving her seat to avoid distractions, calling on her more frequently, or something H is now doing to stay more focused, I don't know. But, we've made several changes at home in our homework time protocol, and they've made an obvious difference.
- I've read quite a bit of Understanding Girls with ADHD, one of the few books on the disorder that focuses on girls and the inattentive type symptoms that H has. Let's just say that if I was upset, guilty, and sad before reading this, I can now add mad as hell to the list of emotions! Almost everything we know about ADHD is based on boys. That is, the symptoms, the diagnostic indicators, and even the forms given to teachers to fill out when they make referrals, are all based on the stereotypical hyperactive-dominant form that's most often associated with boys. In ways that seriously affect almost every aspect of their lives, from before diagnosis (if they ever get one) into adulthood, girls with ADHD face a dramatically different experience from teachers, some parents, and their peers. I could go on forever, but I'll stop by simply saying that more attention has to be paid to this issue NOW!
- Halloween was a hit...Lots of candy, cute kids in costumes, and everyone was still in bed on time :)
- I can happily report that my very first full dissertation chapter will, indeed, be finished this week! WOOHOO!! It's only a draft, but that baby will be done! I'm only a mere 4-5 pages away.....I can taste it.
- We meet with the clinical psychologist on Thursday. I've filled out all the paperwork, which included an 18-page health history form for H, and I'm anxious to hear what the "expert" has to say.
Now, those mere 4-5 pages call, so I return to them. More to come after the doctor's appointment Thursday.
- H's teachers were happy to report that they've been noticing some improvement already. She came home with almost all Bs on her homework grades last week, and she made an A on her continents & oceans test! Whether this is due to them moving her seat to avoid distractions, calling on her more frequently, or something H is now doing to stay more focused, I don't know. But, we've made several changes at home in our homework time protocol, and they've made an obvious difference.
- I've read quite a bit of Understanding Girls with ADHD, one of the few books on the disorder that focuses on girls and the inattentive type symptoms that H has. Let's just say that if I was upset, guilty, and sad before reading this, I can now add mad as hell to the list of emotions! Almost everything we know about ADHD is based on boys. That is, the symptoms, the diagnostic indicators, and even the forms given to teachers to fill out when they make referrals, are all based on the stereotypical hyperactive-dominant form that's most often associated with boys. In ways that seriously affect almost every aspect of their lives, from before diagnosis (if they ever get one) into adulthood, girls with ADHD face a dramatically different experience from teachers, some parents, and their peers. I could go on forever, but I'll stop by simply saying that more attention has to be paid to this issue NOW!
- Halloween was a hit...Lots of candy, cute kids in costumes, and everyone was still in bed on time :)
- I can happily report that my very first full dissertation chapter will, indeed, be finished this week! WOOHOO!! It's only a draft, but that baby will be done! I'm only a mere 4-5 pages away.....I can taste it.
- We meet with the clinical psychologist on Thursday. I've filled out all the paperwork, which included an 18-page health history form for H, and I'm anxious to hear what the "expert" has to say.
Now, those mere 4-5 pages call, so I return to them. More to come after the doctor's appointment Thursday.
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