And the Doctor Said

First, let me thank those of you who commented on yesterday's post. I think if I hear enough voices telling me not to feel guilty, then I may just believe it one day. I'm going to skip over the talk I had with H last night because it will upset me again. Needless to say, she was upset, afraid, and confused. She explained how she doesn't want anything "to be wrong with her," but she understands that we're going to figure out a way to make things better for her. The language she uses is "to help keep me from going to La La Land," a phrase her teachers have used.

At today's visit with H's pediatrician, we learned several things:

- all signs point toward her having ADHD - Inattentive Dominant

- girls are more likely to have this type, and they usually go undiagnosed because they're not disturbing anyone. Rather, they sit quietly at their desks, concentrating on something else, playing with a toy in their lap, etc. Because they aren't bouncing off the walls, the teacher doesn't always notice a problem

- comparatively speaking (b/c of the above), we are catching this early in H

- in our doctor's experience, medication is the most effective treatment, though he also recommends other coping skills (for example, instead of telling H to clean her room, I will now ask her to do one thing at a time, like picking up her shoes. Then, I can start her on a new task.)

- the psychologist's testing process will take about two hours, and the results will then be sent to our doctor, who will consult with us about the results and discuss treatment options

- there are two types of medication: stimulant and non-stimulant. Regardless of which one she may use, chances are high that she'll be on the medication until she's out of high school

- whatever prescription option we choose, our doctor will absolutely begin with the lowest dose possible

I feel like I have a bit more focus on this today, but my main concern remains on H and how she will cope with what she sees as a "problem" with her brain. Of course, I'm also worried about the possible side effects of any medication, especially after all the horror stories I've read about kids being turned into Ritalin zombies. The doctor gave us some pamphlets and other material to read through, so I'll tackle that tonight while she's in dance class...

Which makes me think: do I now need to tell her dance instructor about this? Will all of her teachers need to know? What about the parents of her friends when she has a sleepover? I get the impression she's embarrassed, and I don't know how to get her to understand this in terms of quality of life and health, as opposed to normal/abnormal, right/wrong. I'm really overwhelmed by this all, so I'm hoping my husband and I can have some evening time to ourselves tomorrow to unwind and talk about this together. On the other hand, I just want to hold H in my lap and hug her forever.

Where did I Go Wrong, and How do I Make it Right?

From day one of 3rd grade, H has been struggling. At first, and for good reasons, we attributed it to a really bad 2nd grade teacher/experience. Over time, though, it became clear that her struggle was more than a matter of her not having a solid foundation when she started the year. For example, her weakest subject was math in 1st and 2nd grades. We expected there would be problems with this again, and there were. Then, we started seeing her language arts skills drop, her grades in social science and spelling also went downhill. She has had occasional upswings, usually after we imposed a series of consequences at home. Her behavior was never an issue. Rather, when we conferenced with her teachers, they explained that the problem was with her inability to focus. Again, we thought this was something we could "motivate" her to improve by taking away privileges (t.v., movies, computer time, and most important - time with friends).

Things didn't change. Not only did they not change, last week witnessed an unparalleled downward spiral as she brought home a packet of failed worksheets and tests. Concerned, her teachers requested a conference (of course, I'd immediately had the same idea).

This morning, I met with her teachers and they recommended that I take H to see her pediatrician and have her undergo testing and evaluation for Attention Deficit Disorder. They described her as often looking like she was paying attention for about a minute, then drifting off with another thought that had just entered her head, only to return to the present moment as the teacher called on her for an answer. Of course, she'd find herself unable to answer and unable to move forward on her work because she'd missed critical instructions and information. They both believe that she's been doing her best to improve focus, but that this is something that's beyond her control. Between the two teachers, they have over 50 years of experience, so I trust that they know what they're talking about and can recognize the difference between a daydreamer and a child who's suffering from a neurological disorder.

She's not a hyperactive child. She's got energy, but she's never been one to bounce off the walls. But suddenly, as I listened to them describe my daughter's efforts to pay attention, her personality, history, and daily habits flashed in my mind's eye in a completely new way. I thought of all the times I'd had to ask her to do something 3 or 4 times, or remind her what task she was supposed to be working on. Just this morning, after I told her twice the three things she needed to do to finish getting ready - brush teeth, put on shoes, and put folders in her backpack - I found her in her bathroom singing into the mirror and picking at her teeth. She'd simply lost track of what she was supposed to be doing in there.

I'm still sort of reeling with questions, emotions, fears, and tons of guilt. I ask myself how I failed to see this. I kick myself for giving her consequences for something that she had no control over. I try to rehearse the talk I'll have to have with her before she sees the pediatrician tomorrow. I think of how to help her not be afraid or think there's something "wrong" with her. I imagine how hard this year has been for her, as she has tried her best yet continued to face my disappointment. I try to avoid using the internet for "information" on ADD and its treatment. I feel completely out of my league, with no plans or certainties for the how to go forward and make things better for my child.

I can't bring myself to actively seek out any information right now, other than what I'll receive from our doctor tomorrow (and the psychologist thereafter). So, I'm asking the few readers who visit to share positive stories, experience, and information about ADD, its treatment, and dealing with it as a family.