Enabling, Protecting, and Resenting the Single-Parent Feeling

Following up on my last post, I can say that there's no way I'd let H live with her natural father. No, it would not be the best thing for her...for all sorts of reasons. She'd feel like I gave up on her, she'd feel like an outsider moving in to her Dad's "re-made" family, and ultimately, it would absolutely break my heart to be apart from my child. Like a piece of me floating out in the unknown, afraid and hurt, and feeling abandoned by the one person who'd been the constant factor in her life. It will never happen, and I'm ashamed for even thinking of it.

That said, after our incident last week, I talked with a neighbor, who happens to be a counselor at our university, and he offered some extremely helpful insight into our situation. He gave sound advice for a two-prong approach to helping H devlelop an internal motivation for making the changes that are needed for both her academic success and her emotional development (not to mention her relationship with me). The first step is to establish one of her school counselors as H's "Coach"...kind of like a life coach, except this will be to keep her on the right academic path. This might include having her stay after school for the study sessions that are offered 3 times a week, rather than having me help her with homework. The second step is to get her into counseling with someone who works with kids. We have a person in Doha who has many years of experience (in the US and here), and we've met her before. I like her a great deal, and I think she could have a lot to offer Hannah.

It's a fine line that I'm walking between wanting desperately to help Hannah stay organized, be successful in her academic work, maintain healthy friendships, and protect her from the nasty bullies that live in our compound and make their rounds at her school AND resenting the fact that I feel like my ex-husband is getting out of all this shit scot-free! He doesn't have to fight, argue, negotiate, and battle with Hannah over homework, clothes, time on the TV, her attitude, etc. He's living the farm life on the fucking Ponderosa, and I'm left with the hard ass work that is parenting a child (one with ADHD at that)! While Hubby is wonderful about being a co-parent, when it comes to Hannah, she very often will only "deal" with me. She prefers me to help her with homework, she looks to me for the "final word" on house rules, and it's me that she pushes to the edge with her backtalk and attitude. It's a dynamic between her and I that, I'm afraid, will turn into something toxic over the next couple years. Even more importantly, I'm terrified of the decisions she might make as a result of that dynamic.

At the end of the day, I'm doing the best I can, but I always feel like it's never enough.

Out of Tricks, Out of Energy, Out of Confidence

I'm officially at my wit's end with H. I'm mentally, physically, emotionally drained almost daily after arguing, asking, pleading, threatening, negotiating ad nauseum over homework, room cleaning, and her habit of speaking to Hubby and I disrespectfully, talking back, and sometimes, downright lying to our faces. We've had a couple notes from teachers regarding bad academic habit/work practices (which she has covered up at home). Almost daily she forgets something she needs for school (her planner, her math binder, her special thing she needed for science class), and then she calls at 8:00, as I'm on my way out the door with one of the other kids (and then to my office to actually work for the day), and she genuinely expects me to a) go find the lost thing and b) bring it to her at school, which is all the way across town.

I love my children--each of them--more than life itself. Raising them is the biggest joy of my life, and I thank God for having blessed me with three healthy, happy daughters. But, I feel like I'm drowning when it comes to H. I feel like nothing I do is right, no matter how many books I read, no matter how many coping strategies I try to implement (for her *or* for me). When I have to take two Valium just to cope with the frustration, anxiety, and stress of helping her with her homework, there is clearly a problem. When I make myself a bloody mary to help me calm down after the hour and a half long battle (and that is truly what it feels like), there's clearly a problem. I feel like a parenting failure. I feel like nothing I do with her is--or will ever be--good enough. Like I'll never be the mother she expects me to be no matter what I do.

Today, the thought actually crossed my mind: Is is possible she'd be better off living with her natural father? She seems to respect everyone else in our family except Hubby and me. Doctors have explained that this is natural because she sees us as the ones who will never give up on her, who will love her no matter what. But sisn't sending her to live with her natural father doing just that: giving up? -+But I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy. I feel like so much of my time and energy is spent dealing with the challenges that she faces, that I end up shortchanging my other two children, as well as my husband, and I won't even begin to consider myself. Utlimately, I sometimes I feel like I'm losing my damn mind and that's it's all my fault.

I feel like I have no support system, no human resources for dealing with these issues. Furthermore, I feel like I don't have the time it takes to do everything: teach, work on my research and writing, pursue the job market, spend quality time with my family, *and* figure out how to create a healthy, strong, trusting relationship with a daughter who is faced with a variety of ADHD problems (in addition to going through puberty). I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of professional, personal, familial, and emotional needs, and there is no life raft to be found.

Part of me wants to believe that things would be better if we were in the States, but I can't be sure of that. I just know that something has to change soon because I can't hang on much longer.

Some answers

After going back to the books on ADHD and consulting some of the most recent studies done on the medication Hannah was switched to in January, I have no doubt whatsoever that at least some of her behavior is a result of the medication (Concerta). In addition, I found out that bullying has been linked to ADHD in children her age (though being bullied is often more likely the case). I should have mentioned in my previous post that this behavior, as far as we know, has been isolated to her relationship with one friend. We don't have any knowledge of her treating other kids like this, which is why the girl's mother thought, at first, that Hannah's behavior was a result of Hannah being so very comfortable in that friendship (i.e. "fighting like sisters" kind of thing).

We stopped giving Hannah her meds last Wednesday, and she still hasn't taken any medication. We've noticed a significant difference in her mood and behavior. She has been calmer, less oppositional, and generally less moody. Part of this could be a result of knowing that she was under closer scrutiny and that we were setting much tighter boundaries (i.e. she was in trouble). But, after getting advice from my dad, who also happens to be our pharmacist, we definitely think her medication should be changed. He identified a key ingredient in Concerta that affects some children (not the majority) in this way, and he recommended that we get her back on her old medication. She wasn't having any problems at all with the old meds, she just needed an increased dose because it had been over two years since she started it, she'd gained weight, etc. The pediatrician (NOT our regular one) who saw her in December suggested Concerta because it's the one the majority of his patients, he specializes in ADHD, and thus, it was his professional opinion that it would work well for her. I listened to him and agreed to the switch...and now here we are.

The good news is that all this research, in addition to meeting with Hannah's counselor, had resulted in some specific, concrete things Hubby and I can do to help Hannah be her best self. We're making a contract that outlines the consequences for violating house rules, etc. so that they are consistent and she always knows what to expect. We're implementing a rewards chart so that she sees when she's making progress and doing things well. We're looking for times when she does good, even with small things that would be considered "normal" responsibilities for an 11-yr old. She will be meeting with someone once we get back to the States to talk about ways she can cope with impulsivity and react to others who have ideas that are different from or opposed to hers. Without a doubt, this is going to take time, and it won't be easy. It's a nonstop effort, and we don't know if there will come a time when she stops being receptive. For now, though, we're letting her know that we love her and nothing she does will ever make us stop loving her. And, we're praying...for patience, guidance, wisdom, and strength. If you're the praying kind, feel free to throw one our way.

Where is my daughter?

We're in the middle of a parent-child hurricane right now in the AcadeMama family. We've just found out that Hannah has been verbally abusing her best friend, bullying and manipulating her, even to the point of physically blocking and holding onto her clothes when the girl tried to walk away a couple times. Evidently, the pattern of Hannah saying hurtful things has been established for 2-3 months now, but the most disturbing events (including the physical, aggressive behavior) happened just last week during a trip to London (I went to do a bit of research, and I took Hannah and her best friend with me).

What was supposed to be a wonderful adventure for the girls was tainted a couple of times by Hannah being rude, selfish, impulsive, and downright mean to her friend. When these instances happened, I corrected Hannah, she had privileges taken away (i.e. I took her iPod), and she had to apologize sincerely to her friend. Little did I know that the worst of her behavior was happening under her breath and out of my sight (though I was never far away).

I am horrified at what she's done. I am so incredibly sorry for her friend, who has been hurt deeply by Hannah's actions. I feel guilty beyond words that this happened on my watch and that I wasn't able to prevent it. My stomach has been in knots for the past day, wondering what happened specifically (after receiving a concerning e-mail from the girl's mother yesterday morning). She came over last night after Hannah was in bed to explain what had happened, how long things had been deteriorating, etc. It's clear now that I can't trust my daughter in anything. I can't trust her to tell the truth, to make good decisions, to be kind, compassionate, thoughtful of others. Hell, I can't even trust that she'll keep her hands to herself. The shattering of this trust is enormously painful, and I'm fearful about Hannah's future, her ability to make friends (and keep friends), and the relationship she will have with us as a result of the need for us to monitor her and follow-up on everything she does.

Overwhelming me right now is the guilt and grief. We dropped the ball on reading and researching how ADHD manifests itself in children as the grow older. She started a new medication in January, and it seemed to improve her academic and intellectual performance, so we thought everything was great. In retrospect, we see that her impulsivity and mood swings have gotten worse. With the aggression, it has been limited to this one friend, so I don't know that it's a result of the medication. On the other hand, the friendship has gotten closer over the past several months, so it may be that Hannah just feels more comfortable behaving this way with her friend. Usually, her worst behavior and outbursts are reserved for me. The "I hate you!" and "I wish you weren't my mother!" are thrown at me like daggers when she is having a particularly bad meltdown (usually when she's being punished by being sent to her room for a long period of time).

I don't know who this child is anymore...The daughter I knew at 2, 3, 4, and 5 years old would never, had never, behaved aggressively to ANYONE. When I gave Hannah the chance to tell me anything she could think of that would have hurt her friend, she admitted to a few of the mean things she said, but she didn't mention any of the physical stuff. When I confronted her calmly about it this morning, she confessed to it, but said she hadn't previously remembered it. She only remembered it once I'd reminded her about it. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if she really does forget things? Does she block things out? Does she make up her own reality to prevent herself from being accountable? I just need to know WHY this is happening so I can fix it!

I've contacted the school counselor in order to meet with her and see if there are any therapists or other resources she recommends. I've also started researching user experiences with the medication she's on right now. I've found many of stories related to the negative side effects, though most of them are listed as possible side effects with all the ADHD meds. But, each drug works differently with each child, so there's no way to know beforehand how Hannah will react to any specific medication. I feel like I'm grieving all over again for my child. I'm feeling like I've failed her and possibly made things worse for her. She needs help now, and we will do anything and everything we can to get her that help. I just wish we were in a place where we had more resources. In four weeks, we return to the States, and that day just cannot come soon enough.