Enabling, Protecting, and Resenting the Single-Parent Feeling

Following up on my last post, I can say that there's no way I'd let H live with her natural father. No, it would not be the best thing for her...for all sorts of reasons. She'd feel like I gave up on her, she'd feel like an outsider moving in to her Dad's "re-made" family, and ultimately, it would absolutely break my heart to be apart from my child. Like a piece of me floating out in the unknown, afraid and hurt, and feeling abandoned by the one person who'd been the constant factor in her life. It will never happen, and I'm ashamed for even thinking of it.

That said, after our incident last week, I talked with a neighbor, who happens to be a counselor at our university, and he offered some extremely helpful insight into our situation. He gave sound advice for a two-prong approach to helping H devlelop an internal motivation for making the changes that are needed for both her academic success and her emotional development (not to mention her relationship with me). The first step is to establish one of her school counselors as H's "Coach"...kind of like a life coach, except this will be to keep her on the right academic path. This might include having her stay after school for the study sessions that are offered 3 times a week, rather than having me help her with homework. The second step is to get her into counseling with someone who works with kids. We have a person in Doha who has many years of experience (in the US and here), and we've met her before. I like her a great deal, and I think she could have a lot to offer Hannah.

It's a fine line that I'm walking between wanting desperately to help Hannah stay organized, be successful in her academic work, maintain healthy friendships, and protect her from the nasty bullies that live in our compound and make their rounds at her school AND resenting the fact that I feel like my ex-husband is getting out of all this shit scot-free! He doesn't have to fight, argue, negotiate, and battle with Hannah over homework, clothes, time on the TV, her attitude, etc. He's living the farm life on the fucking Ponderosa, and I'm left with the hard ass work that is parenting a child (one with ADHD at that)! While Hubby is wonderful about being a co-parent, when it comes to Hannah, she very often will only "deal" with me. She prefers me to help her with homework, she looks to me for the "final word" on house rules, and it's me that she pushes to the edge with her backtalk and attitude. It's a dynamic between her and I that, I'm afraid, will turn into something toxic over the next couple years. Even more importantly, I'm terrified of the decisions she might make as a result of that dynamic.

At the end of the day, I'm doing the best I can, but I always feel like it's never enough.

The Talk; or, A 9-yr Old Girl Giggles at Sex

During a conversation with my friend Sarah yesterday, we were talking about the difficulties we face in raising daughters in a culture that simultaneously sexualizes young girls, yet chastizes them for engaging in sexual behavior. One of the main threads of our discussion was The Talk: when to have it, what should be included, etc. Long story short, my friend suggested that my oldest daughter already knows what sex is. Well, there's only one way to find out right?

While casually watching some TV, I turned to Hannah and asked, point-blank, "Do you know what sex is?" I assured her she wouldn't be in any trouble for knowing (or not knowing) and that I just wanted her to be honest so we could have a talk about whether her knowledge was accurate. It turns out, she didn't know. At first, she said she thought it was when two people "kiss a lot." Then, after a few minutes, she said, "Well, now that I've thought about it....I kinda think it might be when two people take their clothes off and kiss a lot." Oh, if it were only that simple!! Just as I'd hoped, this inevitably led her to ask what sex is, only after asking that we come up with a "code word" for it because the word "sex" made her uncomfortable.

The code word? Ice cream. I talked to my daughter about how people have "ice cream." Whatever...it works for us.

My response was simple: Having "ice cream" is when a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina."

She was both entirely grossed out and amused! She giggled her head off while also giving me a look of disgust, seemingly wondering why anyone would even think to do such a thing. Surprisingly, she didn't have too many questions about the actual practice of sex, but rather her questions turned to issues of spreading diseases and condoms. This is likely due to her watching an episode of Private Practice last week, in which a teenage boy who is infected with HIV tells his doctor of his plans to have sex with his girlfriend. Hannah had some questions as she watched the show, and I answered them, but last night she was trying to connect the idea of spreading HIV with her new understanding of what sex is. Thus ensued many questions about condoms: who wears them, who doesn't wear them, why do people wear them.

I don't even know if I have a point to this post except to say that I'm surprised by her questions. My explanation of the practice of sex seemed like it went over in a way that was easy for her to understand, which is a good thing. She didn't want to hear all the particulars, and we didn't get into a discussion about oral sex, which I don't think she's ready for right now anyway. Frankly, I'm not yet ready for that one. But, I'm very glad to hear her asking questions about the consequences of sex, specifically pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. I also think our somewhat odd discussion indicated the benefits that can come from impromptu Q&A sessions, rather than One Great Long Talk that includes diagrams and books and an official video. I want our conversations to be ongoing and questions to be asked anytime by anyone. I think that the kind of off-the-cuff chat Hannah and I had last night takes some of the pressure off of both parties (parent and child) and leaves the discussion open-ended and informal; it loses what I see as an unecessary element of mystery.

So, yeah. My 9-yr old daughter know what sex is, and I'm happy with that.

All I Really Need To Know...

I learned in Kindergarten.

It's too bad I forget things sometimes.

Though I'm sure the same will happen with Eliza as she grows up, raising my oldest daughter, Hannah, during these precarious pre-intermediate school years has offered me a refresher course in some of life's most basic principles. That is, as I help my daughter learn how to be a good friend, a responsible citizen, a respectful student, and an overall kind human being, I'm reminded of how I too should go about accomplishing these goals. Her peer network is becoming more fraught as she enters fourth grade, and the groundwork is being laid for the coping skills she'll need to survive high school and beyond. This past weekend, she had what I can only hope was a learning moment, while I had a priceless (re)learning moment.

After having a sleepover with a friend on Friday night, then playing with this friend most of Saturday, she came home Saturday evening in tears. Another neighborhood girl had joined them that afternoon, and Sleepover Friend and Neighborhood Girl began planning their own sleepover for Saturday night. In front of Hannah, the two girls chatted excitedly about the awesome Wii games they'd play and what they'd get to do together on Sunday morning. Hannah was crushed. She felt left out and hurt, at which point she came home (across the street) seeking comfort and advice.

My initial response was to explain to her that, throughout life, she just wouldn't be able to participate in every "thing" her friends do (every sleepover, playdate, night at the movies, etc.). She seemed to understand this, though, and she explained that she was hurt not merely because she'd been left out of the plans, but because the girls were talking about their plans in front of her. Hannah has been taught that this (like whispering in front of others) is rude behavior. And it is. Talking about plans one has made with one person (or a group of people) in front of another person (or persons) who've been excluded from the plans is rude, inconsiderate, and hurtful.

So, the question became: What to do? This is when I realized that Hannah's dilemma was bigger than the moment. Bigger than a 9-year old's problem. This kind of stuff happens forever. Elementary school, junior high, high school...many of the nightmares we go through during our youth resurface in our adult lives. The roles/personas remain strikingly similar. The prom queen is still the prom queen; the mean girls often turn into mean women, and my stepdad is just as nerdy now as he ever was in high school. Surprisingly, the circumstances are largely unchanged. The thing that has the most potential to change is how we handle ourselves.

My first response to Hannah was "Try to toughen up, grow a thicker skin." Knowing how sensitive she is (part of ADHD) and how easily she gets her feelings hurt, I immediately put the burden on a 9-year child to change a defining characteristic of her being. Yeah, not my greatest parenting moment.

After thinking about it more, though, I realized that this is decent advice if used alongside two other suggestions. The first was to leave - just walk away - because who would want to play with people who are being rude to you anyway? The second was to have the strength to be honest and direct by calmly pointing out to the girls, "I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful or rude, but talking about your plans right in front of me really upset me." The purpose is not necessarily that Hannah can change their behavior; she probably won't. Rather, the purpose is gaining the confidence to speak up when something isn't right. Historically speaking, aren't those the people we esteem?

I don't know if any of those solutions made Hannah feel better in the moment, but I hope she remembers the advice I gave her in the future, because, unfortunately, she'll face countless more situations like this one. I'm thankful for the lessons she inadvertently teaches me along our parent/child journey, as it is easier to be strong when you're the one a child is looking to for strength.

You've Come a Long Way Baby!: In the Wrong Direction

As if baby pageants and beauty contests for little girls (and sometimes boys too) wasn't sufficient evidence for the continued cultural practice of sexing our kids up for adult pleasure, parents of daughters can now dress their baby girls in the latest hooker wear! Heelarious is happy to provide the latest in sexpot footwear for your infant daughter. It's perfect for lounging in the crib or a playdate at her pimp's house.

The only thing worse than the mere concept of high heels for infants is the fact that the vice-president of the company is a woman: Lindsay Lefler. The story for how the company got started is a failed attempt to make the product seem harmless, as well as excuse the cluelessness of its founders as to the implications this product holds for baby girls and the parents who purchase the stripper shoes.

Though I don't necessarily agree with every word, a more in-depth critique of the many problems with this product can be found here.

I Hurt

For the love of God, I. Hurt. So. Bad.

Evidently, this is good news to the neurologist, as they can only determine the success of today's procedure if I'm having significant pain beforehand. That is, this will allow them to say either "Yes, see, now the pain is gone, and RF treatment is the next step" or "Huh? You still hurt? Well, back to the drawing board."

This pain is not good news for me. In order to save on gas money, I came to campus with hubby and have been working on my diss throughout the morning (rather than wait at home and have him drive across town to pick me up and take me back across town to the doctor's office). Because I'll be under anasthesia, I can't drink anything and I couldn't eat anything this morning. Without food, I can't take the steroids. Because they want me to be in pain, I couldn't take either the pain meds or the muscle relaxers. And, as if this weren't enough, I had an orthodontist appointment yesterday, where they added a second wire to my top braces (yes, two wires working in tandem) and tightened my bottom wire. So really, I wouldn't be able to eat anything without pain even if I was allowed. Today just sucks all the way around.

Sorry to bitch, but there's more. A long post will soon come regarding H's friendship with her best friend being pretty much terminated by best friend's mother (it's a long story). Last night found me trying to comfort a devastated H, who didn't understand what an "unhealthy friendship" means or why her best friend was being taken away.

My blog is ususally not a whine-fest, but there just wasn't a way out of this one.

Mean Girls & Boys; Or, 3rd Grade Survival Skills

So, I have a dilemma. A few days ago, I picked H up from school and we headed off to run some errands, a chore to which she protested vehemently. After some mild back-talk and attitude (mainly b/c she wanted to spend some of her birthday money on junk, and I wouldn't let her), I responded with a general "Well, we don't always get what we want"-sort of thing. Her growling response:

"Uggghhh..That's the second horrible thing some one's said to me today."

Interested, I asked her to tell me what the first horrible thing was. She then explains that a boy in her class, I'll call him McDooDoo Head because it kinda fits with his name, "called me a loser and told everyone I sucked!" As she's uttering the words, she breaks down in tears, and I can see the complete hurt and humiliation in her face. My heart broke in that instant. I knew that all of her attitude was really just about the Things McDooDoo Head Said in class. Evidently, the boy said these things to her and then shared them with the rest of the class. H was convinced that everyone would believe him, and that she would be left the laughing stock of the room.

Most parents will understand that my first gut reaction is to find McDooDoo Head and, as my mom would say, "Wear his little ass out!" As I'm generally a non-violent person, however, and I'd probably go to jail, this is not a viable option. The real issue is that H told the student teacher what happened and nothing happened! The girl (I say this b/c she's literally just a senior in college) simply seemed to ignore H's appeal to authority for help. This pisses me off just as much as what McDooDoo Head said! Isn't that what teachers are there for??

The dilemma, then, is this: Do I try to teach H (which I have to some extent already) that sometimes people say mean things, and there's nothing we can do about it? And/or, do I call the school to find out why the Inadequate Moron of a Student-Teacher did nothing to help my daughter? I guess I really already know the answer; I'm mainly wondering what others might do. I'm also contemplating calling the boy's parents, because I happen to know the boy somewhat, and his parents are actually decent people. He's usually well-behaved and keeps his boyish antics contained to the "boy circle" of his friends. But, part of me really feels like H should have some way to respond herself - beyond ignoring the situation - because I've been that girl. I was that girl in junior high and high school, and I got bullied to the point that I was terrified to go to school a few times. My mother did nothing, and I felt so helpless and unprotected by her, the school, the few "friends" I thought I had. I don't want H to ever feel that way, or any other child for that matter. I'm just sick of hearing about mean boys and girls - at all ages - getting away with tormenting other people, and if this type of behavior isn't addressed in 3rd grade, then it just gets worse through the years.

An Epilogue to The Boy and The Note

One of the things I'd been meaning to post (before this week's big news) was an Epilogue on The Boy and The Note situation. Last week, I found yet another scrap of notebook paper in H's backpack that had some sort of scribbling on it. I always have to check them because I never know if it's work she's done for school, or a reminder note from a teacher, another child, etc. This note read something like:

"Im relly sory for telling on you. Do you forgiv me?"

There was no addressee, but the name of one of her friends was also on the paper. So, I asked if she and her friend Brooke had recently had any problems. She insisted that they hadn't, but after some coaxing, she then explained that she'd hurt Brooke's feelings somehow and was asking Brooke to forgive her. She said that everything was okay now, but she wouldn't tell me what happened. She argued that it was "private."

My response: "Okay, if you say so... You're the only one who knows the truth."

A minute later...She caved.

H: "Okay, here's the truth."

She proceeded to explain that the note was to The Boy, asking for forgiveness for getting him in so much trouble. As it turns out, The Boy's Mother (TBM) is crazy. Like, wacko-strict-parent-with-a-possible-temper-issue crazy. After hearing the report from the after-school program, TBM responded by "whooping" her child. This 8-yr old boy got a spanking for asking my daughter - in a note - if she'd like to kiss "French style."

I'd anticipated the possibility of him returning and being a bit upset with H because he'd been outed, but I figured the worst punishment he'd face might be a grounding or something. I never imagined he'd be physically hit! He, obviously, was more than a little resentful, and because H is a super-sensitive kid. She'll cry at any human interest story on the news. Naturally, then, she felt incredibly guilty about the whole thing. To make things worse, he circled the "No" box on the note H wrote him, asking him for forgiveness!!

I tried to explain to her that he'd probably come around, that he just needed some time. I also reminded her that she didn't tell on him, but rather I'd found the note in her backpack by chance. She told me she'd lied about the note because she was afraid she'd be in trouble for violating the "No more notes to The Boy rule." I think I did the right thing. I didn't even mention the rule. Instead, I explained:

"Wow, when you heard how much trouble The Boy got in, you must have been really sad, huh? I can completely understand why you felt bad, because he's someone that you're friends with...So it makes sense that you'd feel like you should apologize and ask for his forgiveness."

I didn't freak out. I didn't give her any consequences for breaking the rule. I tried to establish this as a precedent that things - the Law especially - aren't always black and white. And that many times there are other feelings we have that make us do something even when we know it's against the rules. I used this as an example of showing her that when she talks to me and is honest with me about her problems, that I'll listen and try to put myself in her shoes.

I think it's worked so far because when I took her out to dinner last night - just the two of us, eating our favorite Indian food - she was open about the questions and concerns she has about this ADHD thing (that will be my next post). I just don't want to take any day for granted because I know how precious of a gift it is that she's still willing to be open with me and talk about her problems. My (natural) father put the Fear of God into me when I was a child, and it's not something that goes away easily (maybe not at all). I don't ever want my children to be afraid of me and have that fear driving their decisions and the dynamic between us.

So for now, here's another tic mark on the I Think I Did It Right side of the parenting scoreboard.

The Boy Situation: An Update

The Boy situation has been handled...at least, for now. On Thursday, I spoke with the afterschool program's assistant director and explained what had happened. I asked that the counselors make sure to keep an eye on H and The Boy during the free time they have on the playground. Since their interaction is limited to the afterschool program, the asst. director felt like it was their responsibility to contact The Boy's mother and inform her of the situation. After hearing this, and considering my usual Wait 24 Hours Before Making a Decision Policy, I decided to wait and see how their conversation with her went. As hubby pointed out, if The Boy's mother took my call the wrong way, there may be the risk of some sort of retaliation against H, especially if The Boy got in trouble.

Thursday evening, I sat H down for an informal talk while hubby was in the other room, hoping that his exclusion would help her feel comfortable to say whatever she needed to say. I didn't give her the chance to deny asking The Boy to "go out." Rather, I simply asked why she did it. She said, "Because I thought I was old enough." Yes. That's the best she had. I explained that she was indeed not old enough. Nowhere near old enough. Then, I asked her if she knew what kissing "French style" meant. Here's the exchange:

H: "I don't know."
Me: "Really? You don't have any idea? What do you think it might mean?"
H: "Maybe the way they kiss in France?"

Yeah, I'm not buying it either. If she knows - and there's a good chance she knows - she clearly wasn't comfortable talking about it. Or, she simply doesn't want me to know that she knows. Either way, just for good measure, I made several things clear:
1) she is no longer allowed to pass notes to The Boy

2) she should tell me or her dad immediately if The Boy says/does anything that is hurtful or inappropriate. This is the only way we can deal with the situation in a timely manner and find a solution

3) kids who are caught kissing in any "style" at school have major consequences.....like suspension, so this is clearly not a wise idea

4) talking to me about things like this is the only way I can help. As long as she's honest with me, we can work together to solve problems, and not telling me about this disappointed me and made me feel like she was trying to hide it.

The next day, I checked back with the ass. director. He reported that The Boy's mother was equally shocked...ahem, bullsh*t...and couldn't imagine where her son had even heard of such a thing....(Gee, I wonder...). She asked him to apologize to me on her behalf, explained that she'd be picking The Boy up extra early this week to allow some separation time, and requested that the counselors work to keep the two separated when possible. She also said that should I (or H) have any future problems with The Boy, to feel free to call her and let her know. This was exactly the kind of thing I was hoping for, so I was glad that I waited and let someone else make that call to her.

I know The Boy situation is larger than this particular boy. I know that sometime between now and the end of next summer, H and I will have "The Talk" because I want her to get that information from me first (the school shows a video in 4th grade). But for now, I'd like to enjoy a few more months of my child being a child, protected from all the details, conversations, and playground antics that work to sexualize children as young as 8 and 9 years old. I want to savor the time in which I'm the one she comes to with questions, problems, and concerns. The Boy situation will be much larger soon enough.

Guess What I Found!

This morning, as I was helping H get her backpack ready so we could get out the door, I stumbled upon what will now be known as The Note. Today is Crazy Hat Day at her school, which means children can pay $1 - the proceeds going to the American Cancer Society - to wear their favorite/most crazy hat to school. While she dug for $1 out of her piggy bank, I was putting her folders in her backpack. This required some cleaning out of the backpack. Removing a few loose papers, I noticed our home phone number written on a piece of paper. Looking closely, here is what I discover:

1st entry, in H's handwriting:
"Do you want to go out? My phone number is ***-****."

2nd entry, in someone else's handwriting:
"Yes. When we go on the field trip to the park do you want to kiss (French style)?"

Yes. You read this right. My 3rd grade daughter was not only asking a boy out on a date, but she in turn was solicited for some smoochy action!

I immediately asked her what the note was, and she desperately tried to explain that she didn't write the last part, that it was all The Boy's fault, and that she wasn't asking him on a date, but rather asking if his family would like to go somewhere with our family --- Yeah...bullshit on that last part!!

I then showed my husband the note, which he found quite amusing simply because of The Boy's word choice - "the French style" - and the fact that he'd put this in parentheses...I was not amused in the least. I explained to H that I would be calling The Boy's parents - both of them - as well as calling the after-school program she attends. Apparently, the field trip is associated with the scrapbooking club that H and The Boy are both members of.

Despite H's continued attempts to vehemently denounce The Boy's question - even the mere idea - this is obviously evidence that 3rd grade ain't what it used to be! Hell, I didn't even get my first "French" kiss until I was almost 14! I've talked to her about what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior with boys, and I've made it clear that there will be no "boyfriend" business at her age. Should I just face the fact that she's getting to the "boy crazy" stage? Should I be worried that even at 8-years old, she might be lying to me about what she's doing with boys? I don't want to make the mistake of overreacting, but I also want to prevent problems before they start. Do you think I'm out of line by calling The Boy's parents? Is it unreasonable to put her in a convent now?

Mothers and Daughters

Yeah, so as a caveat, you can tell I completely forgot about the whole Mae West quote thing...as I was fairly certain I would. Anything out of the routine doesn't fair well, and it takes a lot to actually become part of the routine. C'est la vie!

Today is Baby E's first day at the Montessori! Hubby and I tag-teamed her drop-off this morning just to make things easier. And, since she has more of a tendency to cry when I do the drop-off, but I couldn't stand to not be there, I left first but Daddy stayed for a bit longer to comfort her in case she got upset after seeing me go. He's really such a fantastic father!

Mother's Day was uneventful - just like I'd hoped! Church was nice, lunch was equally nice, and I even got to watch a movie (Last King of Scotland) - whoohoo! (Note: An aside, great movie, but lots of violence! If I'd known it would be that brutal, I probably wouldn't have put it in the Netflix queue.) Like a total loser, though, I didn't get/take the time to call my OWN mother until 9:00 p.m., by which time she was already in bed. Aside from movie time, I spent the whole day with one child or the other in my arms or in front of my face (I gave H a manicure), so I just kept saying "As soon as I get done with ___, I've gotta call my mom." Yes, I'm sure you see how this works.

Speaking of H, I see the Hurricane coming. I mean, she is the Hurricane - Hurricane H. Somehow, I've managed to reproduce what is almost the exact same dynamic between her and myself as what existed between my mother and I. People say H is just like me, and that I'm just like my mother, so this should come as no surprise. And many of the ways my mother parented, I've also adopted (because, hey, I think she did alright for the most part). Hurricane H is more sensitive than I ever was as a young child, more social, and not nearly as sneaky and manipulative, but she has my head-strong nature, a mouth that won't stop, and a reason, excuse, and/or explanation for everything (especially why she should get what she wants or isn't doing something she's been asked). This creates a storm effect, and I foresee it getting worse as she gets older.

This weekend, in preparation for going with a friend and the friend's family to a local outdoor & family-friendly concert, I caught the Hurricane trying to "sneak" clothes out the door!! GASP!! Yes, she had on a black tank top and jeans, but was trying to sneak out the door with a denim skirt, which I'd already told her wouldn't be appropriate because she'd be outside playing (skirts are not play-friendly). Then, she came out in the same black tank top and a long black peasant skirt!??? It was like 90 degrees outside?!! She didn't care...The only thing she cared about was looking "a certain way" (my emphasis). I don't know what "way" this is, but I'm pretty certain it has something to do with boys, and I'm absolutely sure that I don't like the idea of this already. Her third outfit - the same black tank and some denim shorts - was approved, and off she went.

Is this inevitable? Are mothers and daughters just born to do this Dance of Emerging Identity and Independence? Or is this something I can chalk completely up to the early onset of "tweenness?" Not that it's an either/or scenario, but I want her to value herself (and others) outside of appearances. I want her to not be interested in looking "cute," especially if she's just trying to look "cute" for boys damn it! Should I be worried? Frantic? I'm bordering on frantic thinking about this... I don't want to be an over-reactionary mom, or a Puritanical, Carrie-esque mom either, but this is way too freaking young!! Isn't it?

I'm fairly radical when it comes to my own feminist beliefs, especially in terms of recognizing and respecting my daughter's body and her right to control it. I have no issue with her piercing, coloring, tattooing anything on her body - those are battles I have no intention of picking. And generally, she goes to school in mismatched outfits (usually just a t-shirt and jeans) that she chooses for herself. So how do I explain the ugly fact that in this culture, in today's world, if a girl dresses "a certain way" people (especially boys) will think "certain things?" They will assume "certain things" about her, and whether or not those "things" are true, she will be treated differently. Differently in a way that may even appear good or positive, but is not so in reality. How do I explain this to an 8-yr old girl?

Raising Confident & Courageous Daughters (and Sons)

After my first child was born, I often relied on the book Your Baby & Child: From Birth to Five Years by Penelope Leach. It's a fabulous book for a number of reasons, but one of the main ones is that it doesn't push a particular "style" of parenting. Leach offers a variety of options, and usually describes the pros/cons of several of them, and then leaves it up to the parent to figure out which one works for them. So, what was I thinking once my first child turned 5?? That I would no longer need help? Advice? A book? Many books on parenting??

Given my total brain lapse, and still present memories of what it was like to go through adolescence and my teenage years with my mother, I recently went in search of "raising daughters" books. Normally I would simply search for "parenting" books. But over the years, I've come to realize that there is in fact a different dynamic between mothers and sons & mothers and daughters. Neither is good or bad or better or worse than the other - they're simply different. And, as much as I am a firm believer in the constructed nature of gender (and to some extent sex), one cannot live outside one's culture. [Note: this is the one issue/disagreement I have with the book.] That said, I've just finished reading Girls Will be Girls: Raising Confident, Courageous Daughters (2003) by JoAnn Deak and Teresa Barker, and I have to recommend it to all the moms I know (even if they don't have daughters).

Supadiscomama's post (and M's related comment) on praising children reminded me to blog about this book and the absolutely logical, common sense approach that the authors discuss taking when praising a child. The author basically explains that our culture has taken the idea of the importance of giving children praise to "Mt. Everest heights." We've come to a point where we praise children for, well, everything! As a result, a variety of things can (and do) happen: 1-children come to expect/demand praise for everything they do, warranted or not; 2-children become needy and can't function w/out this praise; 3-children become complacent b/c everything is given equal positive response; 4-children become confused or angry as they learn that the outside world doesn't respond to them in the same way as their parents have. I read this passage nodding my head and saying to myself "Yup, this makes absolute sense! Why didn't I realize this?" Constant (and generalized) praise is the equivalent of giving your kid a brownie for doing something he/she is already expected to do (clean their bedroom, brush their teeth, etc.)

Deak, who has spent almost her entire career working with girls of all ages, explains the importance of 3 key concepts in a girl's upbringing: competence, confidence, and connectedness. These concepts are where the strength of this book lay for me because I think they are requirements for emotionally healthy daughters and sons; they are gender neutral. Another big plus is the "checklist" of tips offered at the end of each section, which provides specific suggestions for practical application of the ideas discussed in each chapter. Now that my oldest daughter is 8 - she's officially a "tween" -- God I hate that word! But, I know that I need to understand what it means to be a "tween" (and a parent of a tween) in today's world, not that one I grew up in. This book helps me to do that.

Just like when you're pregnant and reading all those pregnancy books...and then baby comes and you're reading all things baby...I realized I can't stop there. I have to keep learning about this other girl in my house. This girl who could potentially start her period this year or next (yes, the age of puberty is quickly lowering)! This girl who has just started asking me when she'll get hair "down there," when her breasts will grow, and when she will be old enough to have a boyfriend (never? :)). She has 2nd grade classmates who wear training bras and hold hands with boys at recess. I have to know how to answer her questions about both and all things in between. But first, I have to instill in her the trust and confidence to bring her questions to me, not her classmates.

My question for the day...the one that wasn't addressed in the book is: When your child asks you about your own past (childhood or teen years), do you tell them the truth? (i.e. Admit to kissing a boy at 8 years old (not me, I promise)? Or drinking alcohol at 13? or whatever horrible thing it is you might wish you hadn't done..)

Raising Daughters

This post is in celebration of the "little thing" that happened this morning with my oldest daughter, who'll be 8 on Monday.

For the past year or so, my daughter H has been fixing her own hair. The few times I've offered to do it, she's been disappointed with the results. Not because I'm horrible at fixing her hair, but because it's never the way she'd do it, or the results aren't what she'd wanted. 99% of the time, the child simply wakes up, throws her hair in a ponytail and heads off to school--pretty simple. I'm enjoying this time because I know there may come a day when she's much more concerned about her appearances overall, and this getting ready process won't be so simple.

But - to get to the thing that happened this morning - she was all ready for school, and I was dressed and putting the finishing touches on my own hair when she came into my bathroom. To my surprise, she did not have a ponytail. Her thick, shiny blonde hair was down, with an off-center part, and she'd pulled back a bit of hair on each side with a barrette. Just a few little baby-hair bangs fell across her right eye. She looked so beautiful! She is blessed/doomed (depending on how you look at it) with straight, thick hair...I mean super thick...like more hair than some adults, so she's always wanted curly hair (or at least wavy, like mine). So, knowing the curling iron was still piping hot, I offered to add a finishing touch. She agreed!! I made a few simple ringlets on the sides framing her round face, and curled her little whispy bang into a loose tendril. To my surprise, she looked in the mirror with awe and pleasure! She said, "Oh Mama, I look so pretty! I look so different!"

It only took 3 minutes to make such a positive difference in my daughter's day. I was so happy to see her happy looking at herself in the mirror, and it helped knowing that she was finally pleased with something I'd done for her! This "little thing" was special to me, and so is my daughter, so I thought I'd share it. I'm hoping for more moments like this over the weekend, as it's an all-out birthday weekend extravaganza!! A slumber party with 3 of her friends tonight, and a Mommy & H trip to a nearby large-town's Galleria Mall for a Libby Lu makeover and her first ever trip to the Build-a-Bear Workshop!! I'm so blessed to have this child in my life!