Of course I'd Get Sick!

Yes, that makes perfect sense....Only me. I am sick just days before we leave for the U.S.

It's day 3 now of what started as a regular head cold. Except that today brought back the neck pain that's associated with my disk problems. So, on top of being stuffy and coughing, I can barely move my head/neck, and it hurts to even walk. I still have to teach class this afternoon...

I don't want to go to the doctor for all sorts of reasons. The hospital I prefer to use requires payment up-front. If it were just the office visit, no problem. But, once they hear all about the degenerative disk issues, I fear they'l want x-rays, scans, etc., which will rack up the charges, and I'm not interested in fronting the money for.

If I go to the state-sponsored hospital, it's virtually free, but there's no telling how long I'll have to wait, and I believe I won't get any relief. Granted, this belief is based on my one prior visit. I had pulled a muscle in my lower back, and I was given a prescription for the same muscle relaxers I already had at home. No help. I'm in serious pain now, and I have no reason to believe the doctor at the state-sponsored hospital will do anything more than he/she did the last time.

OMG I wish we were back home! This would be so much easier to deal with... I just need to make it to Friday *without* making myself worse.

Academic angst, Hormones, and More Stuff to Worry About

Yeah, so I'm a bit terrified. Today's the first day of classes, and I'm team-teaching a senior seminar course on Aphra Behn with my advisor. She could teach this in her sleep. She could teach this blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back. I, however, have no fucking clue what I should be doing. I know what I usually do when I teach, but this may not be what she considers "good teaching", so what if she hates it? What if she thinks I'm an incompetent boob who shouldn't be allowed near English majors? What if my normally great rapport with students falls short because they see that she is clearly the Queen Bee, and I am the lowly graduate student who wants to be a professor when she grows up. Yes, I'm all in knots about trying to figure out how much I should prepare for the days when my advisor is leading class, and how much/if I should alter my normal teaching style to address seniors.

I usually start class off by offering some guiding questions or issues to discuss and then I sit back and let the students take it from there. After this, I just "direct traffic" and let them determine what direction the class discussion should take. My worry is that my advisor will see this approach as lazy or unchallenging. Agghh...I kinda want to vomit right now.

Adding to this, I can't even take pleasure in watching any of the inauguration coverage because I'm so hormonal I start tearing up as soon as see the images of history being made. I don't mean just a little bit of watery eyes, either, I mean full-blown cry.

And it gets even better (well, actually worse)....it turns out that the last surgical procedure I had on my neck last May?? Well, its effects have worn off. I found this out after waking up last Tuesday morning with near immobilizing pain. The neurologist admitted that the information I'd been given last year, about the surgery lasting anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, was inaccurate. Instead, he said that 6 months to 1 year was more like it...big fuc&*ng difference Doc!! The best he could offer was trigger-point injections of anasthesia, which would numb the area and buy some time for the steroids to work. Just a little FYI: trigger-point injection fucking HURT!! Seriously, I was screaming and crying and wishing I'd just gone back home! It felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly with a knife in my neck. I'll NEVER go through those again!

On top of the neck issue returning and the general lower back/sciatica pain that comes with pregnancy, it also looks like I may need a root canal! I woke up with a bad toothache on Sunday, went to the dentist yesterday, and the x-ray showed what looked to be an abcessing tooth. So, off to the endontist I go. Let's see, how many doctors do I have now: general physician; obstetrician; dentist; orthodontist; peridontist; endontist; neurologist. Seven doctors. At 32 years old, I should not have seven doctors unless I have some sort of terminal illness. I just feel like my body is failing me, and it sucks. I'm going to start a pre-natal yoga class on Saturday, which I'm hoping will help with both the neck and back pain and generally help me to feel a little more mentally and physically balanced. I've never done yoga, so I'm not sure what to expect. We'll see how it goes...things have to get better though, right?

I Hurt

For the love of God, I. Hurt. So. Bad.

Evidently, this is good news to the neurologist, as they can only determine the success of today's procedure if I'm having significant pain beforehand. That is, this will allow them to say either "Yes, see, now the pain is gone, and RF treatment is the next step" or "Huh? You still hurt? Well, back to the drawing board."

This pain is not good news for me. In order to save on gas money, I came to campus with hubby and have been working on my diss throughout the morning (rather than wait at home and have him drive across town to pick me up and take me back across town to the doctor's office). Because I'll be under anasthesia, I can't drink anything and I couldn't eat anything this morning. Without food, I can't take the steroids. Because they want me to be in pain, I couldn't take either the pain meds or the muscle relaxers. And, as if this weren't enough, I had an orthodontist appointment yesterday, where they added a second wire to my top braces (yes, two wires working in tandem) and tightened my bottom wire. So really, I wouldn't be able to eat anything without pain even if I was allowed. Today just sucks all the way around.

Sorry to bitch, but there's more. A long post will soon come regarding H's friendship with her best friend being pretty much terminated by best friend's mother (it's a long story). Last night found me trying to comfort a devastated H, who didn't understand what an "unhealthy friendship" means or why her best friend was being taken away.

My blog is ususally not a whine-fest, but there just wasn't a way out of this one.

Does it hurt here?

Saturday night the neck pain returned. With a vengeance. I was up from 2:00 to 5:00 a.m. just crying from the pain as Hubby lay there next to me in bed. I had nothing but a heating pad and a Tylenol 3 for the pain, and neither were doing any good. It was only about 6 weeks ago that I had my last episode, so I really started worrying about the increased frequency, along with the issue of an upcoming pregnancy that would pretty much bar me from getting all hopped up on steroids, pain pills, and muscle relaxers.

Sunday morning I called the answering service for my general physician, and the on-call doctor called in scrips for each of the usual medicines, then I spent the rest of the day - Hubby's birthday - laying on the couch with the heating pad, drifting in and out of sleep. I felt like shit for not being able to wrap my husband's birthday gifts, hold E, or play with H in the front yard, but I was in severe pain.

Both my general physician and my neurologist are stumped as to why my disk pain episodes are occurring with increased frequency. It's not only an issue of not understanding why they're happening so frequently, but also an issue of the side effects associated with long-term use of steroids. At the neurologist's office yesterday, he explained that the type of workout I did on Friday (which is my typical workout: cardio and light weights) should actually help the disk pain and slow the progression of disk degeneration; so, the workout definitely wasn't the trigger, according to him. Tomorrow, they'll be trying a new approach by performing a Cervical Medial Branch Block. The idea is to see if they can block the transmission of pain signals coming from the facet joints to the brain. If it works, then it means I'm a good candidate for Cervical Facet Radio Frequency Neurotomy (RF treatment), which basically uses radio frequency energy to damage the facet joint nerves, thereby cutting off pain signals to the brain. Tomorrow's process is more of a test, during which they're main goals are 1)to determine if the facet joints are the source of the pain and 2)if the branch block will be effective in blocking the pain signals. If both of these goals are reached, then we'll move forward to RF treatment, which is a more permanent option. Though they both sound a bit scary (to me, at least), they're options that would hopefully prevent me from needing surgery anytime soon.

At this point, I don't care what they do. I just want the pain to stop, and I don't want to have to worry every 4-6 weeks when the next episode is going to strike. What am I supposed to do if this shit hits me while I'm in England? Luckily, my doctor included refills on both the pain pills and the muscle relaxers: God bless that man.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

This just in: There will be no physical therapy for me. Insurance doesn't cover it unless it follows a surgery.

The irony, of course, is without physical therapy, there may be a good chance I'll end up needing surgery later down the road.

Is this a great country or what?

More on a Diagnosis

It's official. I have Degenerative Disk Disease. I was holding out hope for the ability to think of myself as just having a couple random degenerative disks, but after speaking with the doctor this morning, that wouldn't be an accurate account. The first MRI only covered my neck, so they'll be doing another one to look specifically at my lower back, where I also have frequent pain. The lower back pain occurs 2-3 days a week and ranges from mild to severe, and if there are degenerative disks in the lower back, it will explain why simply sitting down in a different chair too hard a few weeks ago caused the compression of three disks in my lower back (a truly embarrassing story to have to repeat).

I also found out this weekend that my father was diagnosed with the same disease in December. Thought it's not truly genetic, family history plays a role. The doctor said that being an athlete -something I thought would be helpful in terms of a history of being physically active - is also partly to blame. Other answers he gave were neither good nor helpful. Here's how it went with me asking questions and the doctor giving answers.

Q: Will this progress over the future?
A: Yes. It's part of the natural aging process, but even more so for people with DDD.

Q: Will this be a slow progression?
A: Usually.

Me: Oh good, so I won't find myself having 2 more degenerative disks in 2 years.
Doctor: It's possible. The progression is usually slow, but we don't know for sure how an individual case of DDD will progress. Each person is different, each person responds to physical therapy different, and the progression will also depend on the wear and tear placed on your back and neck.

Q: Will this affect my next pregnancy? My husband and I are planning to try to conceive at the end of the summer. (Note: I had a good deal of lower back pain with H, some 9 years ago, but it was mainly because she was laying on my sciatic nerve. With E, I had "OH MY GOD!!" lower back pain, to the point that my doctor gave me Vicodin to use "judiciously", sent me to the chiropractor, and threatened to put me on bed rest.)
A: Anytime you add extra weight, your lower back will be further strained. The increased pain with your second pregnancy is largely a result of you being 8 years older, but if the MRI shows that you also have degenerative disks in your lower back, that will explain it as well.

Q: Is there any form of a "cure"?
A: No. Physical therapy is the best primary treatment, except in severe cases, which might require surgical treatment (i.e. fusion, "padding" the disk).

So, there you have it. It kinda sucks. As it turns out, the doctor is not a fortune teller and can't look into a crystal ball to see how this will affect my future. I'm sad, but not upset. I was just starting to get really excited about trying to get pregnant again, but now I'm anxious about how mobile I'll be during the last three months of a pregnancy. I'm scared. Not terrified, just a little scared of the unknown. I'm still a little confused regarding what kind of strength training and/or exercises I can and should do in order to stay generally fit. I don't know if jogging makes things better or worse? Lifting weights? Not sure....these are questions for the physical therapist. Speaking of...I better call to find out when my first appointment is. Just what I need, another "thing" that interrupts my dissertation work schedule--argh. This makes it even more sucky!

But, it could always be worse...there are worse things that affect people every day. I'm blessed with a fantastic husband, two healthy, smart, happy children, parents who love and support me, and a career that I genuinely enjoy. Really, I have nothing to bitch about.