Yeah, so I'm a bit terrified. Today's the first day of classes, and I'm team-teaching a senior seminar course on Aphra Behn with my advisor. She could teach this in her sleep. She could teach this blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back. I, however, have no fucking clue what I should be doing. I know what I usually do when I teach, but this may not be what she considers "good teaching", so what if she hates it? What if she thinks I'm an incompetent boob who shouldn't be allowed near English majors? What if my normally great rapport with students falls short because they see that she is clearly the Queen Bee, and I am the lowly graduate student who wants to be a professor when she grows up. Yes, I'm all in knots about trying to figure out how much I should prepare for the days when my advisor is leading class, and how much/if I should alter my normal teaching style to address seniors.
I usually start class off by offering some guiding questions or issues to discuss and then I sit back and let the students take it from there. After this, I just "direct traffic" and let them determine what direction the class discussion should take. My worry is that my advisor will see this approach as lazy or unchallenging. Agghh...I kinda want to vomit right now.
Adding to this, I can't even take pleasure in watching any of the inauguration coverage because I'm so hormonal I start tearing up as soon as see the images of history being made. I don't mean just a little bit of watery eyes, either, I mean full-blown cry.
And it gets even better (well, actually worse)....it turns out that the last surgical procedure I had on my neck last May?? Well, its effects have worn off. I found this out after waking up last Tuesday morning with near immobilizing pain. The neurologist admitted that the information I'd been given last year, about the surgery lasting anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, was inaccurate. Instead, he said that 6 months to 1 year was more like it...big fuc&*ng difference Doc!! The best he could offer was trigger-point injections of anasthesia, which would numb the area and buy some time for the steroids to work. Just a little FYI: trigger-point injection fucking HURT!! Seriously, I was screaming and crying and wishing I'd just gone back home! It felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly with a knife in my neck. I'll NEVER go through those again!
On top of the neck issue returning and the general lower back/sciatica pain that comes with pregnancy, it also looks like I may need a root canal! I woke up with a bad toothache on Sunday, went to the dentist yesterday, and the x-ray showed what looked to be an abcessing tooth. So, off to the endontist I go. Let's see, how many doctors do I have now: general physician; obstetrician; dentist; orthodontist; peridontist; endontist; neurologist. Seven doctors. At 32 years old, I should not have seven doctors unless I have some sort of terminal illness. I just feel like my body is failing me, and it sucks. I'm going to start a pre-natal yoga class on Saturday, which I'm hoping will help with both the neck and back pain and generally help me to feel a little more mentally and physically balanced. I've never done yoga, so I'm not sure what to expect. We'll see how it goes...things have to get better though, right?
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Numbers I Like
Such as 85-90% chance that this will be a healthy, normal pregnancy, according to my doctor, as of today!
In the past couple of days, the bleeding virtually disappeared, and today's ultrasound showed a beating heart, fetal growth, and a "blood pocket" that was significantly decreased in size. The doctor felt positive enough about what he saw to give me the green light to return to normal activity and some light aerobic exercise.
Thanks to everyone who sent well wishes, good thoughts, and prayers. I believe in the power of all each of them!
In the past couple of days, the bleeding virtually disappeared, and today's ultrasound showed a beating heart, fetal growth, and a "blood pocket" that was significantly decreased in size. The doctor felt positive enough about what he saw to give me the green light to return to normal activity and some light aerobic exercise.
Thanks to everyone who sent well wishes, good thoughts, and prayers. I believe in the power of all each of them!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sexy Much?
At Separation of Spheres, M's post on two celebrities' experiences with feeling sexy (or not) during pregnancy introduces a topic that I've always found interesting: the sexy maternal body. As Hubby and I are about two weeks away from our first efforts to conceive our third child, the idea of being pregnant all over again is both exciting and somewhat....well, bleh. I love being pregnant, I really do! No matter the morning sickness, the sore boobs, the stretch marks and back pain, I never feel more content in life than when pregnant. It brings me a peace that I never experience at any other time in my life. But, after two pregnancies, I learned that each one is different. This means that, despite my experience at this, the third time could and likely will bring some possibly unwelcome surprises. I don't like surprises folks. I dont' want to get ahead of myself, so I'll stop here...But I do want this [pregnancy] to happen again, and with my hormone issues, it's just not a guarantee that it will happen easily or quickly. So if everyone could send some happy fertility thoughts my way, I'd be most grateful.
Friday, June 29, 2007
What the Hell Am I Thinking?
Despite being busy working on a dissertation, raising an 8-yr. old who's going on 16, and taking care of my wonderful 8-month old baby girl, I seem to be thinking A LOT about being pregnant again. Yep, I said it; it's finally out there.
Due to a variety of issues with the Pill, I've decided to go off it. I unexpectedly ended up not having any pills left this past month, and the difference has been amazing. I've had energy, a sex drive, and I've generally been much happier. Between the hormone problems that come with borderline PCOS (which I was diagnosed with when we were trying to conceive) and the fact that I'd only recently stopped taking the pill, we figured we were pretty safe in having sex this past month. As I was waiting for my period, though, I started counting the cycle days and realized we had indeed had sex on one of my peak ovulation days (had I been ovulating). So, we knew the chance was there, but weren't too worried about it. Hubby said, "If it happens, it happens." I didn't really want to be pregnant, but there wasn't anything I could do about it by then, so I just waited. After I was a couple days late, I got concerned. In the end, we were right, and we were safe: period came, not pregnant.
At my annual gynie visit, I told him of my decision to go off the Pill and explained that hubby and I want to have a third (and final) child, and we'd probably start trying next August (2008). [Reasoning: This way, I'd be pregnant while finishing diss revisions, but not showing while on the market. I'd deliver just after the Spring 08 term is over and have the summer to stay home with baby. And, we're both funded for up to three years after completion, so we wouldn't be in fear of being kicked out into the cold, cruel world.] He said IUDs are really meant for women not wanting to get pregnant at all or at least for 3-5 years, so he suggested I not go that route. Instead, he recommended that we either use condoms or the natural family planning method (or both), especially if it wasn't going to be a problem if I did end up pregnant unexpectedly. I just don't like condoms. I have this weird thing about them...like a "condoms just aren't for married people" mantra. I know it doesn't make sense, but it just seems odd to be using a condom with my husband.
The point is that over the past month, all of this has gotten me thinking about pregnancy - again.
On the Con side of this issue:
1) I'm a busy academic mother, married to a busy academic father, and we're both living on graduate student budgets (meaning we pay the bills, but there ain't nothing left over). The only way we could afford daycare for another baby is by dipping into the financial aid we get each semester.
2) We both want to finish by next fall and plan to enter the market then as well. Hubby is fairly emphatic that dissertations must be almost finished before any baby making can begin.
3) Every once in a while, I realize that I would be lost trying to care for a newborn, while also trying to enjoy all of the baby- & toddler-hood that's left to come from Baby E. My mother has added her two cents that "it's not fair to E" to have another baby so quickly.
4) And then there's the shudder of shame I feel when just thinking about the idea of having to tell my dissertation advisor that I'm pregnant - again - while finishing my dissertation. Not that she'd judge, but I'm sure she'd be disappointed in my decision-making ability (and possibly question my committment to academia).
5) I'm still not sure if any of this is related to my previous breastfeeding issues. Not that I'll ever get completely over those feelings, but I'd hate for a decision like this to be primarily driven by them.
6) I'm not fond of the idea of having another child in daycare.
On the Pro side of the issue:
1) I really can't help the feeling that I'd love to be pregnant right now...or soon. I actually like being pregnant. I like the specialness of it. It's such a unique time and experience, and I enjoy it.
2) As I've been told time and again by long-tenured faculty, I'll never have as much time as I have right now. It only gets busier in terms of academia, especially once you're on the tenure track. From what I can tell, most places don't stop the tenure clock while women go off to have a baby.
3) As far as money goes, we have health insurance, and at least right now we aren't paying back any student loans.
4) I *think* we could both still get our dissertations written on schedule. Actually, as grad students who only teach 1 class, we're in the most flexible positions we'll be in for a looooong time. We schedule our office hours, our diss hours, etc. and we have no committee obligations.
5) I don't really believe that I'm somehow cheating my baby if I were to decide to have another one soon. Lots of people, for a variety of reasons, plan and deliver their babies close together.
6) In the end, I'm never going to let what other people think stop me from making my own reproductive decisions, whether they be advisors, faculty, family, or friends.
7) I'd get to breastfeed come hell or high water!!
8) I know my husband and I would do our best to limit time in daycare.
These lists aren't exhaustive, but they represent the kind of internal dialogue I'm having with myself. I haven't shared all of this with my husband, because I think he'd freak out. But I can't deny that these are my feelings. I really wish I knew why I'm feeling this way!! I don't have many readers, so I'm not counting on much light being shed here, but at least it's out. I've put these feelings down somewhere. Maybe they'll subside. I've been hoping they would. I keep thinking that if I just focus on my girls, stay busy with them, stay busy with my dissertation, that this quasi-yearning will go away. Maybe it's temporary? My brain and my gut seem to be pulling in opposite directions. I'll keep praying to find some guidance, and we'll see what happens.
Due to a variety of issues with the Pill, I've decided to go off it. I unexpectedly ended up not having any pills left this past month, and the difference has been amazing. I've had energy, a sex drive, and I've generally been much happier. Between the hormone problems that come with borderline PCOS (which I was diagnosed with when we were trying to conceive) and the fact that I'd only recently stopped taking the pill, we figured we were pretty safe in having sex this past month. As I was waiting for my period, though, I started counting the cycle days and realized we had indeed had sex on one of my peak ovulation days (had I been ovulating). So, we knew the chance was there, but weren't too worried about it. Hubby said, "If it happens, it happens." I didn't really want to be pregnant, but there wasn't anything I could do about it by then, so I just waited. After I was a couple days late, I got concerned. In the end, we were right, and we were safe: period came, not pregnant.
At my annual gynie visit, I told him of my decision to go off the Pill and explained that hubby and I want to have a third (and final) child, and we'd probably start trying next August (2008). [Reasoning: This way, I'd be pregnant while finishing diss revisions, but not showing while on the market. I'd deliver just after the Spring 08 term is over and have the summer to stay home with baby. And, we're both funded for up to three years after completion, so we wouldn't be in fear of being kicked out into the cold, cruel world.] He said IUDs are really meant for women not wanting to get pregnant at all or at least for 3-5 years, so he suggested I not go that route. Instead, he recommended that we either use condoms or the natural family planning method (or both), especially if it wasn't going to be a problem if I did end up pregnant unexpectedly. I just don't like condoms. I have this weird thing about them...like a "condoms just aren't for married people" mantra. I know it doesn't make sense, but it just seems odd to be using a condom with my husband.
The point is that over the past month, all of this has gotten me thinking about pregnancy - again.
On the Con side of this issue:
1) I'm a busy academic mother, married to a busy academic father, and we're both living on graduate student budgets (meaning we pay the bills, but there ain't nothing left over). The only way we could afford daycare for another baby is by dipping into the financial aid we get each semester.
2) We both want to finish by next fall and plan to enter the market then as well. Hubby is fairly emphatic that dissertations must be almost finished before any baby making can begin.
3) Every once in a while, I realize that I would be lost trying to care for a newborn, while also trying to enjoy all of the baby- & toddler-hood that's left to come from Baby E. My mother has added her two cents that "it's not fair to E" to have another baby so quickly.
4) And then there's the shudder of shame I feel when just thinking about the idea of having to tell my dissertation advisor that I'm pregnant - again - while finishing my dissertation. Not that she'd judge, but I'm sure she'd be disappointed in my decision-making ability (and possibly question my committment to academia).
5) I'm still not sure if any of this is related to my previous breastfeeding issues. Not that I'll ever get completely over those feelings, but I'd hate for a decision like this to be primarily driven by them.
6) I'm not fond of the idea of having another child in daycare.
On the Pro side of the issue:
1) I really can't help the feeling that I'd love to be pregnant right now...or soon. I actually like being pregnant. I like the specialness of it. It's such a unique time and experience, and I enjoy it.
2) As I've been told time and again by long-tenured faculty, I'll never have as much time as I have right now. It only gets busier in terms of academia, especially once you're on the tenure track. From what I can tell, most places don't stop the tenure clock while women go off to have a baby.
3) As far as money goes, we have health insurance, and at least right now we aren't paying back any student loans.
4) I *think* we could both still get our dissertations written on schedule. Actually, as grad students who only teach 1 class, we're in the most flexible positions we'll be in for a looooong time. We schedule our office hours, our diss hours, etc. and we have no committee obligations.
5) I don't really believe that I'm somehow cheating my baby if I were to decide to have another one soon. Lots of people, for a variety of reasons, plan and deliver their babies close together.
6) In the end, I'm never going to let what other people think stop me from making my own reproductive decisions, whether they be advisors, faculty, family, or friends.
7) I'd get to breastfeed come hell or high water!!
8) I know my husband and I would do our best to limit time in daycare.
These lists aren't exhaustive, but they represent the kind of internal dialogue I'm having with myself. I haven't shared all of this with my husband, because I think he'd freak out. But I can't deny that these are my feelings. I really wish I knew why I'm feeling this way!! I don't have many readers, so I'm not counting on much light being shed here, but at least it's out. I've put these feelings down somewhere. Maybe they'll subside. I've been hoping they would. I keep thinking that if I just focus on my girls, stay busy with them, stay busy with my dissertation, that this quasi-yearning will go away. Maybe it's temporary? My brain and my gut seem to be pulling in opposite directions. I'll keep praying to find some guidance, and we'll see what happens.
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