What the Hell Am I Thinking?

Despite being busy working on a dissertation, raising an 8-yr. old who's going on 16, and taking care of my wonderful 8-month old baby girl, I seem to be thinking A LOT about being pregnant again. Yep, I said it; it's finally out there.

Due to a variety of issues with the Pill, I've decided to go off it. I unexpectedly ended up not having any pills left this past month, and the difference has been amazing. I've had energy, a sex drive, and I've generally been much happier. Between the hormone problems that come with borderline PCOS (which I was diagnosed with when we were trying to conceive) and the fact that I'd only recently stopped taking the pill, we figured we were pretty safe in having sex this past month. As I was waiting for my period, though, I started counting the cycle days and realized we had indeed had sex on one of my peak ovulation days (had I been ovulating). So, we knew the chance was there, but weren't too worried about it. Hubby said, "If it happens, it happens." I didn't really want to be pregnant, but there wasn't anything I could do about it by then, so I just waited. After I was a couple days late, I got concerned. In the end, we were right, and we were safe: period came, not pregnant.

At my annual gynie visit, I told him of my decision to go off the Pill and explained that hubby and I want to have a third (and final) child, and we'd probably start trying next August (2008). [Reasoning: This way, I'd be pregnant while finishing diss revisions, but not showing while on the market. I'd deliver just after the Spring 08 term is over and have the summer to stay home with baby. And, we're both funded for up to three years after completion, so we wouldn't be in fear of being kicked out into the cold, cruel world.] He said IUDs are really meant for women not wanting to get pregnant at all or at least for 3-5 years, so he suggested I not go that route. Instead, he recommended that we either use condoms or the natural family planning method (or both), especially if it wasn't going to be a problem if I did end up pregnant unexpectedly. I just don't like condoms. I have this weird thing about them...like a "condoms just aren't for married people" mantra. I know it doesn't make sense, but it just seems odd to be using a condom with my husband.

The point is that over the past month, all of this has gotten me thinking about pregnancy - again.

On the Con side of this issue:
1) I'm a busy academic mother, married to a busy academic father, and we're both living on graduate student budgets (meaning we pay the bills, but there ain't nothing left over). The only way we could afford daycare for another baby is by dipping into the financial aid we get each semester.
2) We both want to finish by next fall and plan to enter the market then as well. Hubby is fairly emphatic that dissertations must be almost finished before any baby making can begin.
3) Every once in a while, I realize that I would be lost trying to care for a newborn, while also trying to enjoy all of the baby- & toddler-hood that's left to come from Baby E. My mother has added her two cents that "it's not fair to E" to have another baby so quickly.
4) And then there's the shudder of shame I feel when just thinking about the idea of having to tell my dissertation advisor that I'm pregnant - again - while finishing my dissertation. Not that she'd judge, but I'm sure she'd be disappointed in my decision-making ability (and possibly question my committment to academia).
5) I'm still not sure if any of this is related to my previous breastfeeding issues. Not that I'll ever get completely over those feelings, but I'd hate for a decision like this to be primarily driven by them.
6) I'm not fond of the idea of having another child in daycare.

On the Pro side of the issue:
1) I really can't help the feeling that I'd love to be pregnant right now...or soon. I actually like being pregnant. I like the specialness of it. It's such a unique time and experience, and I enjoy it.
2) As I've been told time and again by long-tenured faculty, I'll never have as much time as I have right now. It only gets busier in terms of academia, especially once you're on the tenure track. From what I can tell, most places don't stop the tenure clock while women go off to have a baby.
3) As far as money goes, we have health insurance, and at least right now we aren't paying back any student loans.
4) I *think* we could both still get our dissertations written on schedule. Actually, as grad students who only teach 1 class, we're in the most flexible positions we'll be in for a looooong time. We schedule our office hours, our diss hours, etc. and we have no committee obligations.
5) I don't really believe that I'm somehow cheating my baby if I were to decide to have another one soon. Lots of people, for a variety of reasons, plan and deliver their babies close together.
6) In the end, I'm never going to let what other people think stop me from making my own reproductive decisions, whether they be advisors, faculty, family, or friends.
7) I'd get to breastfeed come hell or high water!!
8) I know my husband and I would do our best to limit time in daycare.

These lists aren't exhaustive, but they represent the kind of internal dialogue I'm having with myself. I haven't shared all of this with my husband, because I think he'd freak out. But I can't deny that these are my feelings. I really wish I knew why I'm feeling this way!! I don't have many readers, so I'm not counting on much light being shed here, but at least it's out. I've put these feelings down somewhere. Maybe they'll subside. I've been hoping they would. I keep thinking that if I just focus on my girls, stay busy with them, stay busy with my dissertation, that this quasi-yearning will go away. Maybe it's temporary? My brain and my gut seem to be pulling in opposite directions. I'll keep praying to find some guidance, and we'll see what happens.

New Things

So, lots of updates today..I didn't realize I'd been such a blog-slacker these days. Needless to say, I survived last weekend with both girls while hubby was at a conference. And to top it all off, Baby E got her first 2 teeth while he was gone!! Yup, 2 at the same time...lots of slobbery fussiness to go around, but when they broke the skin, all was well with the world again..Well, almost..

The same weekend hubby was gone, our home pc died. I mean really Died. Like won't even turn on. My mom found out about this, and as hubby's b-day was April 27th, she offered to give us a joint b-day present (even though mine's not until July): a NEW COMPUTER!! Seriously!! A brand new Dell, with all the works! I don't know where *this* mother came from, because she's never done anything like this before, but it TOTALLY kicks the ass of the $50 b-day check and card my mother-in-law sent my husband!

And count them - not one but two - family vacations planned! At the end of May we're taking a road trip back to home state (6 hours). Then, catching a ride with my mom the following day to head to Missouri (7 hours) for my cousin's graduation. Let's see, the cast of this road trip includes: Me, hubby, 8-yr old H, 6-month old Baby E, and my Mom! My uncle has said this will be an EPIC adventure. Luckily, my mom drives an oversized mini-vanish kind of thing, a Terraza, complete w/DVD player and plenty of room for us to stretch, etc. The 2nd vacation is for the first week of July. We'll be back in home state again for a week, and while we're there, hubby and I are taking H on a river float trip! I'm soooo excited about this! I haven't been since I was 21...and believe me, I was a very different person at 21! They've since banned alcohol on the river, so I'm hoping it will be a much more family friendly atmosphere. And, since I'm no longer the rough-it-in-a-tent-in-the-middle-of-July kind of girl, we'll be renting a small cabin that has air conditioning so that we can survive the nights. My mom is going to watch the baby for the 2 nights/3 days we'll be gone, and it will take place on the 4th of July holiday, so lots of fireworks, fishing, cookouts, etc. will be taking place, and hubby and I will get some much needed "fun" time together.

We're getting a head start on the "fun" time though. Since he and H were gone again this weekend for the last of the Princess Guide daddy-daughter camp-outs, I've demanded some alone time with him! We've arranged for a babysitter for this Saturday night, and we're going out for Cinco de Mayo drinks, appetizers, and a movie! I'm especially looking forward to it because it will initiate my new pill cycle..."What's that" you ask?? Welll......

I recently found out that the birth control pill I've been taking since Baby E was about 6 weeks old was responsible for my loss of libido, hair loss, and mild depression!! Oodles of fun I tell ya! Yes, I kept wondering when I'd feel "that way" again. I kept chalking up my non-interest to being tired, being stressed, or any number of other things. I never thought that my BC could be to blame. And when I asked my hair stylist about the hair loss, she just said that if hair was falling out, that meant new hair was growing in..I was puzzled by this, especially since the clumps of hair that came out while I was washing & conditioning my hair were fairly significant. But, I had no other ideas for the cause, so I just let it go. And the depression. Yeah, once again, I just chalked it up to all the other things going on in my life: diss work, busy time of child's school year, tiredness, stressful funding failures, etc.

Nope. It was the damn Yasmin! I did some research and found out that it contains the highest amounts of anti-androgens of any bc pill on the market!! AKA: it kills the testosterone that gives you a sex drive! The research also revealed other reports of hair loss, depression, etc. (some women reported suicidal thoughts even!) Needless to say, I was just glad to have an answer, and I immediately called my dr. to get the pill switched --whew.

New computer. New pill. New child care for baby. New summer schedule for H coming up soon. And I'm hoping for some new alone time with hubby.

Something's Gotta Give

An article from today's Yahoo page describes another new detrimental consequence of Cowboy George's misguided attempts to balance the budget. Take $ from Medicaid program = Medicaid can no longer afford to give discounts to college health center on oral contraceptives = many college girls will opt for more affordable but less reliable methods or worse - just do without. This is further proof that his line of thinking is something along the lines of "Ooh, ooh, I know...let's take some more money away from the Medicaid program. Nobody will notice except the poor people." Thanks Mr. President!

I'm living this problem now as my current OC isn't even available from my university's health center. And, when I went to fill my Rx on Monday, the total bill for 3 packs: $162.99!! My doctor had switched my OC brand after I had the baby, and I didn't even realize it until then. Something's definitely gotta give, b/c there's no way I can afford $54/month for birth control!