Thursday, December 07, 2006


(you'll need to read Part I to understand how I got here)

I went through 4 days of almost constant engorgement. I would wake up at night having soaked through 2 layers of breast pads, my bra, my shirt, and the sheets. I began to smell like rotten milk, and my breasts were so much pain I had to use the Vicodin Rx my doctor had given me at the hospital (which made me even more tired than I already was). I breasts finally dried up (I hate that term).

Now, here's why I hate bottlefeeding:

1 - Bottles are ALWAYS in another room; they're never where you are.
2 - They have to be washed and assembled EVERY day.
3 - They have to be toted along with you wherever you go (a problem if you're going anywhere for an extended period of time).
4- Bottles must be filled with formula that costs a shitload of money!
5- Formula must be mixed for the day every day (unless you're rich and you can afford the no-mix, ready-to-drink kind). Precisely measured and mixed.
6- Bottles have to be heated to a perfect temperature (not as easy as you'd think).
7- Bottles can be given to baby by anyone (I don't want just anyone to be able to feed my baby!).
8- Bottlefeeding requires (usually) both arms/hands: one side to cradle the baby, the other to hold the bottle, leaving no hands to do anything else with (I used to be able to actually eat while breastfeeding).
9- Bottlefeeding results in much more spit-up (and thus spit-up stains) and much stinkier poop (sorry, I really do have a super-sensitive stomach, even when it's my own child's poop).
10- Last but not least, bottlefeeding sucks because it's not what I wanted for my baby!!

This last reason is the most important one because this is an issue I'm STILL dealing with! It still breaks my heart that I couldn't continue nursing. I still feel guilty about not being able to do for one daughter what I did for the other. I'm still paranoid about every germ out there that she could possible come into contact with (as if breastfeeding would've provided some sort of magic shield against all illness). I'm still jealous when I hear my friends mention nursing their babies. I feel like this is a horribly unfair punishment to me on some cosmic level and - most of all - I don't know why I can't get over it.


madeline said...

Re: formula costing a shitload:

If both you and your partner are grad students, you might qualify for WIC (Women, Infants, and Children)? You can get formula--and it's not too terrible a pain in the ass.

Anonymous said...

As you know, I am breastfeeding my baby. But if it makes you feel any better, the logistics of breastfeeding a baby who is in daycare suck too:

1) I also have to prep bottles everyday.
2) I have to pump twice a day to make sure I have milk available for future feedings.
3) on a less serious note, I miss caffeine, to which Supadiscobaby is quite sensitive, and margaritas, which paranoia prevents me from drinking.

I'm sorry that you weren't able to feed your baby as you had planned. I know how hard you tried! But I'm sure that she'll be just as healthy as any breastfed baby would be! Besides, new research indicates that it's not so much the breastfeeding as the mother's health-consciousness that makes for healthier kids.