Happy Birthday Eliza!

Chalk up my blog absence to an array of things (beginning of the semester, insane grading load, the need to get job apps out, and some travel). Nonetheless, today there's a great reason to get back into the blogging groove: it's Eliza's 5th birthday!!

We had her party yesterday, and it was fantastic because for the first time in more than two years, family was able to join us for the celebration. Hubby's parents flew in for the weekend, and we had a great visit with them. Even though none of the kids in Eliza's daycare class were able to make it (my fault, since I didn't get the invites out more than a week in advance), she enjoyed herself, and I was thankful that we got to share the time with family.

I am so proud to her Mama!! She's smart, beautiful, and imaginative, and I can't believe it's been 5 years!

Out of Tricks, Out of Energy, Out of Confidence

I'm officially at my wit's end with H. I'm mentally, physically, emotionally drained almost daily after arguing, asking, pleading, threatening, negotiating ad nauseum over homework, room cleaning, and her habit of speaking to Hubby and I disrespectfully, talking back, and sometimes, downright lying to our faces. We've had a couple notes from teachers regarding bad academic habit/work practices (which she has covered up at home). Almost daily she forgets something she needs for school (her planner, her math binder, her special thing she needed for science class), and then she calls at 8:00, as I'm on my way out the door with one of the other kids (and then to my office to actually work for the day), and she genuinely expects me to a) go find the lost thing and b) bring it to her at school, which is all the way across town.

I love my children--each of them--more than life itself. Raising them is the biggest joy of my life, and I thank God for having blessed me with three healthy, happy daughters. But, I feel like I'm drowning when it comes to H. I feel like nothing I do is right, no matter how many books I read, no matter how many coping strategies I try to implement (for her *or* for me). When I have to take two Valium just to cope with the frustration, anxiety, and stress of helping her with her homework, there is clearly a problem. When I make myself a bloody mary to help me calm down after the hour and a half long battle (and that is truly what it feels like), there's clearly a problem. I feel like a parenting failure. I feel like nothing I do with her is--or will ever be--good enough. Like I'll never be the mother she expects me to be no matter what I do.

Today, the thought actually crossed my mind: Is is possible she'd be better off living with her natural father? She seems to respect everyone else in our family except Hubby and me. Doctors have explained that this is natural because she sees us as the ones who will never give up on her, who will love her no matter what. But sisn't sending her to live with her natural father doing just that: giving up? -+But I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy. I feel like so much of my time and energy is spent dealing with the challenges that she faces, that I end up shortchanging my other two children, as well as my husband, and I won't even begin to consider myself. Utlimately, I sometimes I feel like I'm losing my damn mind and that's it's all my fault.

I feel like I have no support system, no human resources for dealing with these issues. Furthermore, I feel like I don't have the time it takes to do everything: teach, work on my research and writing, pursue the job market, spend quality time with my family, *and* figure out how to create a healthy, strong, trusting relationship with a daughter who is faced with a variety of ADHD problems (in addition to going through puberty). I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of professional, personal, familial, and emotional needs, and there is no life raft to be found.

Part of me wants to believe that things would be better if we were in the States, but I can't be sure of that. I just know that something has to change soon because I can't hang on much longer.

Oh, by the way

I GRADUATED!!

I really, truly did it...I don't think I believed 100% that it would happen until I heard them call my name. It was a very bittersweet moment because my advisor, quite unexpectedly, wasn't able to attend and hood me. Instead, my department chair stood in, and it was fine, but my advisor was sorely missed. I wish I could post pics, but none were taken. At least none by my family. I'm sad about this...They didn't want to stay for the entire 2+ hour ceremony (and I don't blame them), so Hubby to the little ones back to the hotel, and my Mom took my oldest daughter back as well. After the ceremony, there I was, all decked out in my hood and gown, with nobody to snap a shot. Le sigh. There was a professional photographer there on behalf of the university though, and I'm supposed to get an e-mail letting me know how to access the photo taken of me getting hooded.

None of us wanted to come back to Qatar. Check that. Eliza wanted to come back because she missed all her things, specifically her books (yes, just like her Mommy and Daddy). After 3 days on the road in three different hotels and a long day (and night) of both domestic and international flights, we finally returned safely to Doha, where our skin will now melt off our faces because of the heat. OMG the HEAT!!

I'm woefully unprepared for this semester's classes, but I shall take care of the shortly. The house is still a disaster area of unpacked things, and Eliza has taken out and played with nearly every toy, book, and craft she owns. She then proclaimed, "I love it here, and I don't ever want to go back to America!" For her, America equals the loss of her stuff (for it won't all fit in the suitcase). We explained that when we move back to America, all of her things will come with us.
Everyone's still trying to get their sleep schedules back to normal. I've been up since 3:00 a.m., and I know I'll pay for it later this evening. Hannah had a successful first day of 6th grade, despite being incredibly scared, anxious, and excited all the same time. I pray that she'll continue to do well, and I know much of her potential rests on my ability to help her get/stay organized at home (her bedroom, backpack, etc.). We still have lots to do over the next few weeks, so blogging may be light (like it isn't already?)....But I really want to blog more this semester, mainly to chronicle the job search process and hold myself to my academic goals of writing, revising, and submitting work.

I Take That as a No?

Yeah, so I haven't heard from the search committee, so I'm assuming I will not get an invitation for a campus visit. This sucks. I tried not to get my hopes up, but clearly I did, and it doesn't feel good to know they like someone else better (for whatever reason). I'm still going through all my answers and thinking about the ways I should have worded something differently, said this instead of that. Just knowing that I haven't made it to the next stage has really deflated me. Really. Deflated.

On top of the job thing coming out of the blue and then disappearing as quickly as it came, some family stuff came up that was pretty nasty. It's a long(-ish) story, but it boils down to being incredibly hurt by my little brother. He is still very much under the influence of my father, yet he doesn't realize this. My father continues to manipulate everyone around him, and while my brother thinks he's immune to it, he so very clearly is not. My father has told him lies about me (that I don't ever call him or return his calls, for example), which have contributed to my brother holding a certain judgment of me that's complete bullshit (not that it's okay to judge people in general, mind you). On top of this, my brother thinks I'm "cold-hearted" for not feeling obligated to maintain some sort of connection--even if it's just superficial--to the man who helped create me. The same man who abused me, brainwashed me, and in no way seeks to have any sort of parent-child relationship based on mutual honesty, respect, and love. Um, yeah, I don't want to have any relationship that isn't based, at least, on mutual respect and honesty....to do so would be unhealthy and set an incredibly bad example for my daughters.

My brother? Agrees that my dad still can't be trusted and doesn't know how to be a parent, but still thinks I should feel compelled to have a relationship with him because he's my dad. No, I do not feel this. Haven't for a long time and probably never will, and it has nothing to do with forgiveness because that happened a long time ago. This has to do with him and his behavior now.

After the longest cry I've had in quite a while, Hubby helped me pull myself together, but I still can't shake the overwhelming sadness I feel about the job, my brother, having to go back to Doha, everything. For some reason, I'm also feeling completely unmotivated to do anything in terms of work, even though now more than ever, I need to get the things done that will help me most on the job market, and I only have 2 more work days before we start cleaning, packing, shipping, and travelling. I should be excited for graduation next week, but I'm not. I need to shake this funk, and it needs to happen quickly.

RBoC: The Stateside Edition

• I cleared the thesis office a while ago...this means that the only thing standing between me and my PhD is..oh yeah, nothing! I shall be hooded by my advisor next month, and my biggest challenge will be to keep from crying like an idiot in front of everyone.
• I don't want to leave and return to Doha. Please don't make me go!
• The job market season is fast approaching and this alternatively makes me nervous and terrified. There is one job that recently openend out of the blue, and it's in my field, t-t, and it's in an area that would be really good for Hubby's research. It's also at a school where I think I'd be a pretty good candidate (based on the profiles of their current English faculty). It's hard not to get my hopes up, but seriously, I'd absolutely love it if, by some miracle, they pursued me as a candidate, hired me, and the girls and I could just move there and set up shop while Hubby went back to Doha and supervised the packing of our things! I know that sounds horrible and completely unprofessional and makes me look like an awful employee. But, just like over Christmas break, being back home has made me realize how much I really, really, truly don't like living in Doha. Can I tolerate it? Yes, of course, but primarily because my kids are happy and that makes most everything/anything tolerable. But, am I happy? Not really... Am I happy back here in the U.S.? Hell. Freaking. Yes. That doesn't mean life is perfect here, but it's OMG a thousand times better for a thousand different reasons. Case in point, my mother was recently hospitalized and my dad couldn't get out of work to be with her after they admitted her. Because I'm here, I was able to drive down, stay with her, and help care for her while she was in the hospital for two days. Thank God I was here...but what if it had happened while I was in Doha? It would have killed me to not be able to see her and be with her while she was sick.
• I'm working steadily and on schedule to meet the goals I set for getting out a revised article and a proposal for a collection of essays and the annual conference in my field of study. Go team! :D
• Hubby and I are taking a "Job in the U.S. or Bust" approach to this year's job market. This is to say that we are coming back to the U.S. after the 2010-2011 school year, whether we have academic jobs or not. This is ballsy, I know. This could involve all sorts of added stress as we apply to EVERYTHING we're qualified for, but it's what we have to do in order to optimize our chances of landing academic jobs, even if they're short-term.
• Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with Hubby and I because it seems like we're the only couple who really don't like being in Doha. We continue to hear how other expats from the US "love the adventure" and are "cherishing" everything about the culture, and we just look at each other like, "What are we missing? Is it just us?" Don't get me wrong....sometimes you can talk to someone who's lived there (or in the area for many years), and they can give you a laundry list of things they've grown to hate over the years. I guess it just feels, occasionally, like people are telling themselves how much they love it, over and over, so that they'll eventually believe it. Or, maybe Hubby and I are just crazy...who knows.
• Did I mention I don't want to go back? Yeah, I don't.

RBoC

• The Best Thing: Hubby has a phone interview today with Small Midwest Regional School (SMRS), and I am completely in love with the idea of this school, the town, the area of the country, the chance to go back to the U.S.--everything! They also have an English position open, but it's in a period just a tad bit earlier than my work (Renaissance). All good prayers, vibes, well wishes would be most appreciated in the AcadeFamily household. OMG, I want him to do well. Unfortunately, he's had almost no time to prepare, and since he's not back on our main campus, he doesn't even have the colleagues to conduct a mock interview. I put together a dossier about the school for him, a list of questions to expect (based on the placement seminar I had, Chronicle resources, and other files I've accumulated), and I offered to listen to his answers, etc. They're interviewing 10 other candidates, so he's got his work cut out for him, but he really would be a fantastic fit for this school!
• I've applied to more CC jobs than 4-year schools...Job security (tenure-track) and a place where my family can settle has now trumped other considerations. I've also taken to heart much of the conversations about new PhDs needing to alter their expectations of what constitutes academic success. Okay, consider my expectations altered. Now give me a job.
• My anxiety levels are back to where they were when we were preparing to move over here. I have an enormous amount of difficulty falling asleep, and then, if I get up with the baby, I have just as hard a time getting back to sleep. You'd think that would exhaust me? But no, the following night I'm still wide awake, brain won't shut off....worried about all things dissertation, job market, and moving.
• I am so irritated with some of my students! Seriously, some student issues are seemingly universal. They don't like writing...they procrastinate...they forget their books, etc. That happens everywhere. There are some problems, howeve, that I have learned are specific to students in the Gulf region, and they are driving me insane! I have at least one student each semester who thinks it is acceptable to belligerently argue with me and insist that I take hir work, despite the fact that it is late; or, that I at least give hir partial credit. And when I mean argue, I mean stand in my face and repeat the same things over and over again, despite me saying, "No. I'm sorry, but it isn't fair for me to accept work you didn't bring to class when everyone else *did* follow the instructions. This is not negotiable." When I point out to said student that ze is arguing, ze claims "I just want to understand." What the hell is there to understand? Follow directions! Come to class prepared! Pretty simple stuff.
• Also, I have three little doe-eyed Qatari girls who clearly worked so closely together on their first essay that it constitutes plagiarism. They all wrote on the same "event," despite the fact that the assignment was a Narration and Description Essay on an important personal moment, time period, or event. Apparently, they all had the exact same life-changing event happen to them.
• I am desperately looking forward to returning to the main campus to defend my dissertation! That is, of course, unless I end up having to re-schedule my defense date because I am lame and can't finish the revisions in time, in which case I would rather hide in shame and drink myself silly. If things go well, though, I shall eat wonderful Mexican food, drink wine and martinis daily, consume large amounts of pork, chill and catch up with dear friends, and flitter about a very cool conference that our department is hosting that week. Oh, and on top of that, my Mom is driving down to spend time with me!! I don't remember the last time we spent time alone together, much less more than a couple hours.
• I truly believe Amelia is allergic to this country. She's constantly got a runny/snotty/stuffy nose, and it can't be fun for her. It seems to get worse the more time she spends outside. She is now saying "Mama" daily, which makes my heart sing! She has a giant, toothy smile that's surrounded by chunky, rosy cheeks, and I just love her to pieces. Hannah continues rehearsals for her role as a member of Fagan's Gang in Oliver!, an outside activity that she's taken to like a fish in water. Eliza is happy, healthy, and smart, and I'm amazed at how much of the Arabic language she is picking up at her nursery.

Doha Diaries, no. 6

I'm back. Unfortunately. I wasn't ready to get back on the plane when we left on New Year's Eve. Several times during the break, I had half-joked with Hubby that he could just come back and I'd stay in the U.S. with the girls :-) The airport drop-off went much better than it did when Hannah and I went back for Eid break. No meltdowns or long, drawn-out teary goodbyes. Hannah was sad, obviously, but things went quickly and smoothly. The trip back was good because we had the entire front row of business class to ourselves! However, getting the girls back on schedule has taken a full week, Amelia is already sick again (some sort of allergies), and Hubby and I begin the new semester today--blah.

My time back home over break solidified what I'd been feeling before we left: I'm not happy here. While I was home, I felt like someone had let me out of jail...I had the freedom to enjoy all the lazy, American conveniences that I used to take for granted. When I returned to Doha, I felt like someone had thrown me back in the clink. Being home reinforced how much I miss the most important thing about our lives in the States: more time with family (even though they get on my nerves sometimes), more time with Hubby, more time for myself. I talked to Hubby about how I was feeling, and he understands...for the most part. Just to make sure we even have the option to leave our contracts and to find out what the consequences are (especially the financial ones), I spoke with our HR Director. He, too, was sympathetic to my concerns and explained that we would get to keep our travel allowance, and the university would still provide us with business-class tickets back home, cover our repatriation, etc. I spoke with the accounting firm that handles the taxes for most of the university employees and found out that we could still qualify for the Foreign Earned Income Tax Exclusion benefit if we can stay in Doha until July 25th. With these questions answered, I have decided to go on the spring job market.

Hubby and I are applying to t-t and non-tenure track jobs, in the hopes that we can either a)find work at the same school or b)find work in the same town. We knew coming over here that, because of the difficulties of conducting academic job searches from overseas, we'd likely have to take non-tenure track positions when we finished our contracts. Really, nothing has changed, except the timeline. I've already notified my committee and started applying for jobs...knowing that the odds are against me, but hoping that Hubby might find something promising since he's finished his dissertation.

Today, another colleague commended me on the "bravery" of this decision because it involves walking away from so much money. I don't see this decision as brave. In fact, it feels quite the opposite. I feel like I'm limping away with my tail between my legs. Like I've let my immediate family down. Like I've failed my own personal test of sorts. If we don't get jobs back in the States, we'll survive here. I'll survive here. It's just that I want to do more than simply survive.

For now, I'm in the very stressful, anxiety-ridden stages of finishing revisions to my dissertation. Though I'm scheduled to defend Wednesday, April 7th, I remain terrified that I won't be able to make the deadline and that I'll have to re-schedule it, which will mortify me! I HATE, HATE, HATE to miss my own deadlines. My advisor seems to think that my timeline is reasonable, but I'm worried that something will happen (children getting sick, me getting sick, family emergency, who knows?). I am having an increasingly hard time sleeping, which is made even worse by the fact that Amelia is still waking up once or twice (or more) in the middle of the night. Hubby and I take turns each night, but I have to take a sleeping pill if I actually want to get any rest on the nights he's up with the baby. I'm sure some of this just comes with the territory of approaching the deadline, but I'm stuck in a country where anti-anxiety meds aren't to be found!

Almost everything about the next year of our lives is up in the air for now...and there's nothing I can do about it...except breathe.

On Their Way Home!!

After a long week without my girls, they're finally on their way back home! H just called and said they're about 45 minutes away and that the drive has been traffic and hassle-free!! I was extremely anxious about Hubby making the drive back with both girls, as he has much less patience than I do in general, but especially on the road. He gets frustrated if traffic is backed up, and if you add to that E throwing a fit in the back seat and H just trying to help (but sometimes making it worse), it's more than he can usually deal with calmly.

To make it worse, I had horrible nightmares last night about almost everybody (E, my friend Sarah, random people I went to elementary school with)...it was bizarre. I have the really strange experience of having dreams that are Super Real. As in, I can't get them out of my head Real. I was in tears on the phone with Hubby this morning because I was so upset and nervous about their drive back. I'm sure this had something to do with the fact that it was the first time he was driving with the girls again since the accident. I literally fell asleep repeating the same prayer for their safe drive, over and over.

I'm so excited!! I just can't wait to squeeze them both and give em tons of kisses!