Speaking of the Birthday...

I almost forgot this gem of a post.

So, after seeing my whole birthday weekend - and the days before and after - pass without a single phone call or card from anyone in his family, my husband has decided to "write a letter." You see, he has often been accused by his sister and mother of not being very good about remembering to send a birthday card or call for the special day. Never mind the fact that his sister NEVER sends a card for ANY reason, nor does she call him on his birthday. And never mind the fact that he always does send a card, even though it may be a bit late.

Anyway, he decided that he will send a card to his parents (with whom his sister is living because she just graduated college and isn't yet employed). In said letter, he is explaining to them
a)that they make it very difficult for him to want to remember their birthdays when they fail to acknowledge the birthday (hell, the existence) of his wife
b)that he wants to develop a Policy for Birthdays, which includes everyone getting a phone call on the day of and a card as close to that day as possible.

A noble cause indeed, but likely a lost one. You see, his mother is lounging on a beach in the northeast, where she spends her ENTIRE summer (she works for the school district, so she's got the summer off). She reads, shops, goes out for "water ice" (whatever the hell that is), and gabs with all her friends. Despite the fact that the woman can afford things like Coach purses, Pashmina shawls, and routine facials, she evidently has no money leftover to, I don't know, come see her grandchild, whom she's only seen once?? She could get a round-trip ticket down here for about $225, but the idea seems to have never crossed her mind.

In the spirit of fairness, his father gets some blame too. He, however, gets a bit of reprieve b/c the line of work he's in doesn't give him the summer off or near as much flexibility in terms of when he can take vacation days. They live close to my husband's brother and his fiance and child, and they're very much a part of that grandchild's life.

The point of this post - and there really is one - is that it seems to finally be dawning on my husband that his family seems to be content with not being part of our lives. The most hurtful part of it for him, I imagine, is how this will impact E. H is older, so she knows that technically these people are step-relatives. And she's got such fantastic freaking grandparents back in Home State, that she could care less what the Yankee snobs are doing. But E is a different story. She'll have my parents, who are just as great with her as they've been with H, but that's it. No "other side" of family to get all excited about visiting because she won't even know them. The situation is hurtful to me as well, but even more so for my husband because it's his relatives that are totally dropping the ball. He feels guilty and disappointed, and I can't say that I blame him. I just don't think a Birthday Card Policy is going to help anything. Honestly, I don't think anything will help. His mother is just really selfish, and that's not going to change. His dad will go along with anything, but he generally follows her lead.

I'm confident that E will be no worse for their lack of involvement. Between us, H, and the rest of my family, she's still going to be loved and spoiled rotten. I just hope my husband can make some peace with how things turn out and realizes that he isn't responsible for his family's behavior. And thinking of the bright side, we'll never have to do the "family shuffle" on holidays!

Tell Me if I'm Wrong Here...

I'm hoping that posting about this will help to take away some of the anger I have before I sit down to talk to my husband about it. As I've mentioned in the past couple of posts, yesterday was my oldest daughter's birthday. I may not have mentioned, however, that she's my child from my first marriage. So, technically, she's my husband's stepdaughter, but she calls him Dad (of her own volition) and has done so since we got married. They have a fantastic relationship and have several activities they participate in as father & daughter that I have relatively little to do with. My husband is from Philly, and all of his family still lives in that area, so our immediate little family (me, hubby, H, and baby) don't see them often, usually only once a year. His father is great; you really couldn't know a more laid back guy, and he's super kid-friendly. His brother, sister, aunts, and cousins are generally nice, I get along with them all just fine. His mother, however, is now officially on my shit list! (Note: she's been there before, but I keep forgiving and giving her the benefit of the doubt.)

She didn't even call to wish my daughter a happy birthday yesterday. No card. No nothing! And this is after my husband talked to her over the weekend and most likely mentioned something about the birthday weekend, the slumber party, something. She did the same thing last year, but my husband assured me that it was just because she was still adjusting to him being married to a woman with a child, someone who hadn't already been her granddaughter for 7 years. Okay... benefit of the doubt. He had a talk with her, reminded her of when H's birthday is, and let her know that we would definitely be expecting equal treatment - not step-grandchild treatment - for H in the future.

Luckily, H hasn't even realized her complete lack of thoughtfulness, sensitivity, or general concern. But, she will eventually, and when she does, her feelings will be very hurt. How do I explain this behavior to her? How do I get my husband to understand how I'm feeling without it seeming like I'm attacking his mother? What do I do when it's the baby's birthday and she treats that occasion differently? I don't think I'm being unfair to expect fairness, and I don't think I can be expected to continue to brush this aside and pretend like she doesn't continue to be hurtful and thoughtless to my daughter and I.