Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I Take That as a No?

Yeah, so I haven't heard from the search committee, so I'm assuming I will not get an invitation for a campus visit. This sucks. I tried not to get my hopes up, but clearly I did, and it doesn't feel good to know they like someone else better (for whatever reason). I'm still going through all my answers and thinking about the ways I should have worded something differently, said this instead of that. Just knowing that I haven't made it to the next stage has really deflated me. Really. Deflated.

On top of the job thing coming out of the blue and then disappearing as quickly as it came, some family stuff came up that was pretty nasty. It's a long(-ish) story, but it boils down to being incredibly hurt by my little brother. He is still very much under the influence of my father, yet he doesn't realize this. My father continues to manipulate everyone around him, and while my brother thinks he's immune to it, he so very clearly is not. My father has told him lies about me (that I don't ever call him or return his calls, for example), which have contributed to my brother holding a certain judgment of me that's complete bullshit (not that it's okay to judge people in general, mind you). On top of this, my brother thinks I'm "cold-hearted" for not feeling obligated to maintain some sort of connection--even if it's just superficial--to the man who helped create me. The same man who abused me, brainwashed me, and in no way seeks to have any sort of parent-child relationship based on mutual honesty, respect, and love. Um, yeah, I don't want to have any relationship that isn't based, at least, on mutual respect and honesty....to do so would be unhealthy and set an incredibly bad example for my daughters.

My brother? Agrees that my dad still can't be trusted and doesn't know how to be a parent, but still thinks I should feel compelled to have a relationship with him because he's my dad. No, I do not feel this. Haven't for a long time and probably never will, and it has nothing to do with forgiveness because that happened a long time ago. This has to do with him and his behavior now.

After the longest cry I've had in quite a while, Hubby helped me pull myself together, but I still can't shake the overwhelming sadness I feel about the job, my brother, having to go back to Doha, everything. For some reason, I'm also feeling completely unmotivated to do anything in terms of work, even though now more than ever, I need to get the things done that will help me most on the job market, and I only have 2 more work days before we start cleaning, packing, shipping, and travelling. I should be excited for graduation next week, but I'm not. I need to shake this funk, and it needs to happen quickly.

1 comment:

intlxpatr said...

I am so sorry, AcadeMama. I know that depressed, lethargic feeling, and the way family interactions can stir you up. I know how you feel going back to Doha. Even I faced that, yes, even me.

If it helps - I think you are right about your Dad. I keep waiting to miss mine - he died - and all I can think is what a mean man he was. I feel sorry for him, but I also feel sorry I wasted so much of my time in my life trying to be a good girl, to respect him and try to understand him. He was what he was.