I've reached that point...

where I completely resent the situation I'm in. Let me be very clear about this. I do not resent my husband. What I resent is the fact that I'm underemployed.

Why? Because this fact means that we cannot afford full-time child care. The girls only go 3 days a week (MWF), the days that I have to teach, and I stay home with them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. There are times when this is enjoyable. Today, however, was not one of them. Today, it felt like a reminder that I have failed to get a full-time academic job. It was a reminder that I'm not SAHM material, nor have I ever wanted to be a SAHM. It was a reminder that I will very likely have to make a decision soon about whether or not to leave academia (even though there's absolutely no reason to think it will be any easier to get a job outisde of academia). Ultimately, it was a reminder that I'm in this position *not* by choice, but by circumstance, and nothing grates on me worse than feeling like I've been forced into something.

I understand that there are just some bad days occasionally. Yes, today was one helluva bad day. One simple fucking errand--to exchange two pairs of jeans for the correct size at Kohls with all three kids in tow--turned into me sobbing while driving down the road. Eliza was patient as she tried on three pairs, making sure we got the size that fit, and it all went down hill after that. Amelia climbing out of the child seat on the cart, running around the check-out area, grabbing stuffed animals, flailing on the ground, only then for me to realize I grabbed the WRONG size off the shelf. Customers behind me staring, but nodding understandingly, the cashier realizing how full my hands were, and me having to go back to the children's aisle again. Then, standing in line to try a second time for the exchange, while I hold a screaming, kicking Amelia and everyone around stares at me. Hannah was with me, and she did the best she could to help out, walking away with Amelia and keeping her occupied while I finished up. But, the damage was done.

By the time we left the store and headed home, I'd had enough and I just burst into tears. The girls rarely see me cry, so it was a bit of a shock to them. Amelia was still crying, but even Eliza tried to calm her down. We continued with our plans for the day, but by the time Hubby got home at 2:30, it was all I could do not to pack a suitcase, head out of town, and book a hotel room for a few days.

Because of the new Shakespeare classes, I literally have more work (class prep and grading) to do this semester with less time to do it. This doesn't just affect work load for teaching, but it completely eliminates ANY possibility of doing my own research, another thing I've come to resent.

I applied for several local community college jobs, as well as an administrative job at our school, all with no luck. I've never felt so demoralized, anxious, and uncertain as I do now. The academic job market in my field has completely dried up for the season; there is no more "Spring market." So, now what? I'm guessing running away isn't the answer, but the conference trip I have in a few weeks certainly couldn't come at a better time.

**Note: this was drafted last Tuesday, but I'm just now getting to post it.

I Did It

I applied for a non-academic job.

It's very possible that nothing will come of it and that there are 10 other people vastly more qualified than myself. But, I did it.

It's a position in the Center for International Engagement at my current school. Basically, the post involves being the point person for all international and study abroad students, processing student visa paperwork, outreach activities for international students, being the coordinator for their honor society, assisting the Executive Director, hosting foreign visitors, diplomats, and/or faculty, etc. All of the responsibilities are things I've either done before, have some familiarity with, or would be very good at. They really preferred someone with experience living, working, and or traveling abroad....Hey, that's me! As well as someone who's worked with international students....Me, again! They also preferred someone with a Master's degre. Um, how about I do ya' one better?!

It's a full-time job with a salary more than twice what I make now and job security. If I were to get the position, it would mean that we'd be able to stay in New England for the long haul. These things are all good.

It would also mean that I would mourn the wasted time, money, and sacrifices of the entire 6+ years spent in my doctoral program. It would mean that I would grieve the loss of a dream about what I'd be doing with my life. It would mean several things that are not good. But, I'm not going to think about those things right now, because the application I just put in may never even get past the HR stage.

I secretly hope it does though.

The Plan

The comments to my previous two posts have, as intended, had me thinking quite a bit more about my options--or lack thereof--in the current academic job market. Contrary to what most commenters seem to think is the best plan, I'm going to stick it out for at least another full academic year. Call me crazy, stupid, or just plain blind, but I'm basing my decision primarily on three things.

The first is that, contrary to "Linc's" comment that "Academia is, in the end, just a job," it is much more than that to me. It is truly a calling, a long-time goal, and the end result of the past 7 years of work, sacrifices in time away from family, and living in poverty. It is the thing that makes me happy to get out of bed and go to the office, to spend extra hours meeting with students, to work even when I don't need to or am not expected to (for example, now, when research and presenting at conferences are not in any way factored into my position). I honestly cannot imagine myself doing anything else.

The second reason driving my decision to stay the course is that, on average, it takes 3 years for newly-minted PhDs to land a tenure-track job. That's what I was told when I entered my graduate program, and that's what I witnessed in the job market process of several colleagues from my program. Linc further suggests that if I'm "not getting interviews this season—fresh PhD, publications, good teaching record, at least some jobs being advertised—it’s time to rethink the career path. Unless [my] appeal is about to dramatically change (e.g. your dissertation being reformulated as a book, but NOT just adding a new course taught or another article), [my] marketability is not going to change." I disagree with this. Each semester in my current position has offered a new course to teach, which has brought the opportunity for more learning on my part and more confidence in both my knowledge base and skill set. For example, by teaching Shakespeare and incorporating it into my research work, I'm able to more credibly call myself an Early Modernist, rather than a Restoration/18th c. scholar. In turn, this broadens the number of positions to which I'm able to apply.

The third reason I'm going to hang in there a bit longer is that this year sucked in terms of the number of jobs in my field. There were less then 30 in my field, and of those 30, a good number of them were at very prestigious schools, which are likely to only hire Ivy-pedigreed grads. Several of the other positions were somewhat narrow in their search. For example, the secondary specialty was poetics or digital humanities, or tapdancing, or some other subspecialty that wasn't a good fit for me. That doesn't mean I don't have a wide range of secondary interests, but rather that this year's positions were frequently looking for something else. It just wasn't a good year for my field.

I choose to be optimistic, to believe that something will work out, and that God has a plan for me. I can't imagine that He's brought me to this point--through graduate school in three different states, through 10 years of teaching, to the Middle East and back, to a wonderful advisor, to two very good publications and a dozen conference presentations--only to leave me unemployable in this profession. I could be wrong, and I may occasionally be down about the situation, but for now....I'm not out. I have lemons, and I choose to make lemonade!

Still Here

I'm here...barely.

As usual, lots of stuff happening in our household. My Mom came up for a visit in mid-August, and we had a great time with her. We followed that with a week in Ocean City, N.J., where we rented a beach house like we did last year. This time, Hubby's aunts and their families did the same, so the girls got to spend lots of time with their cousins at the beach. It was a great trip and a perfect way to end the summer. Last weekend, we had the hurricane-related weather, which really just amounted to lots of wind blowing down limbs, leaves, and such all over our yard and sidewalk. We also welcomed a new member of the family into our house last week. Meet Charlie

our new poodle! He's around 4 years old, and we adopted him from a rescue group that transports dogs/cats in the south to their forever homes in New England. We've been promising the girls a dog for the past two year, telling them we would get one as soon as we moved back to the U.S. We knew we wanted a poodle because we'd seen how wonderfully behaved my mother-in-law's standard poodle is. We did not, however, want to buy from a breeder if we could avoid it, because they are just so many dogs that need a loving home. We got very lucky in finding Charlie! He's shy and behaves as if he may have been mistreated at some point. He cowers quite a bit when Hubby approaches him, but he's getting better as he learns that we love him and handle him gently. He's a very well-mannered dog, only barking when he hears someone at the door, and he's great around the kids (meaning he lets them pet him but he's smart enough to run and hide when Amelia chases him). Since I'm the one who drove to Connecticut to pick him up, he has taken to me the most, following me around wherever I go and laying next to me wherever I sit. It breaks my heart to think that some family could give this dog up, much less treat him with anything other than kindness. I pray that we'll have a good long time with our new addition!

Hannah has also started school this past week. It was not the start I was hoping for, though. She faced one part culture shock from being back in the U.S. and one part urban school shock from being at a good-sized middle school in an urban area. It was evidently an R-rated experience, and she witnessed kids being disrespectful to teachers, mouthing off during class, etc. She was unhappily surprised to find the school schedule nothing like what she experienced in Doha, where they followed best practices and allowed students a short morning break and afternoon break between classes (this allows time for students to decompress a bit, regroup, and relax before hitting their next subject). Such a practice is immensely helpful to children like Hannah who have ADHD. Her new school allows only 3 minutes to switch classes and only 15 minutes for lunch. I'm guessing the idea is to keep students out of trouble by limiting their "free" time. Hannah calls it "not trusting students" and she's probably right. That's the really sad part...that they probably *can't* trust their students. It's a completely different student demographic than what she's used to, and she's terrified of getting bullied, called out in front of people, excluded, and a thousand other things.

We've tried to reassure her that things will get better and give her strategies for making sure she's successful in class and in making friends. Overall, though, it seems that middle school is a shark-infested cesspool of delinquency and immaturity. Most of the boys act like morons and most of the girls are catty little bitches. I really am shocked by how bad the school culture has gotten here, and I'm terrified of what it will become my the time my youngest two are in middle school.

I closed last week with a day-surgery to remove an inclusion cyst...lots of fun, I know. It was a delicate procedure that required general anasthesia, so I was sore, groggy, and out of it for most of Friday. Hubby was really great about helping me rest and making sure the girls didn't smother me and cause any undue pain. I tried to take it easy over the weekend, but it turns out that I'm not good at taking it easy. I am feeling better now, though, so it's back to the grindstone.

Hubby and I start classes this Wednesday, and I've finished syllabi for my courses. The job season is officially upon me, and I'm hoping the MLA job list turns up something good. There is a full-time spot open at a very good local university. It's a renewable 3-year contract, teaching first-year writing and literature courses. The bad news is that most of the people who currently hold these positions have PhDs from places like Columbia, Boston College, UC-Berkeley, etc. And these aren't tenure-track spots! I'm going to apply, but I won't hold my breath.

Right now, I'm just trying to get course materials and handouts developed so that I won't have as much prep to do during the semester. Because we're carpooling to campus and I have no campus office, Hubby is graciously letting me stake out some space in his office to work while we're on campus. It's a TINY space and we are not tiny people, so I don't know how well this scenario will work, but it's the only option at this point. I don't work well with distractions and noise, both of which make it hard for me to concentrate if I'm doing anything other than grading. This means that common spaces like the coffee shop aren't good options for me. The library might work in a pinch, but the problem is when I need to be near my books--all of my books--not just one or two.

So, I have no idea how things are going to play out with work space and schedules, but we'll adapt, I'm sure. Work continues on the house, as I try to make progress in my home office/guest room, and I meet with the carpenter this week about renovations to the kitchen. We're finally getting settled in just as new work & school routines kick in. And every week I have college football, which makes me very, very happy!

Happy Fall everyone!

ETA: I have no idea why Blogger keeps adding spaces between paragraphs, but it's really annoying and I'd love to know how to fix it. I've tried editing the post several times with no luck. Ideas?

Nothing to Bitch About

While we still haven't heard any word back from New England School (NES), where Hubby has verbally accepted a tenure-track job in his field, I am not complaining. I did find out yesterday that campus visits have been scheduled for the tenure-track position in my field at the same school, so the chances aren't great that they'll suddenly throw me in the mix for that one.

However, last Friday I received a request for additional materials from a school in Awesome Nearby Town (think chowder). The position I applied for wasn't tenure-track, but a Lecturer of Writing position, and the school's Writing Program is wicked intense. I've never seen one so extensive! They have requirements at the freshman and junior-level, and the courses cover several disciplines. The school actually has two spots open, so I'm cautiously hopeful at this point. The thing is, this would be a ridiculously amazing town to live near! And, even though it's only a lecturer position, it would be a fantastic university affiliation to have. Based on what I've seen on their web page, they don't use part-time lecturers or adjuncts. Rather, it looks like, because there are lots of people who are attracted to the area, the school is able to get very well-qualified PhDs (most of whom do not have rhet/comp backgrounds) to fill the lecturer spots, and these positions are renewed as long as the person is doing a good job.

Although I was disappointed to hear about the tenure-track job at Hubby's school falling away as an option, I'm not complaining. We're moving to a great area, where there are probably more schools per square inch of state than anywhere I can imagine. I'm also trying to take a piece of advice from this , which makes a good point about the importance of giving up things other than food (or Facebook, chocolate, coffee, etc.) for Lent. It seems like giving up complaining, bitterness, judgment, and worry would make for much more meaningful sacrifices. I also found the timing of my reading this piece more than coincidental.

You see, by the time Hubby went for his interview in New England Town (NET), I'd given up praying that he'd "get the job." That doesn't mean I didn't pray...I did. I prayed for him to do well, be his best, most confident self during his campus visit. But I didn't pray that he'd get the job. Instead, I gave it all up to God. Really and truly, I just stopped worrying about it and instead found solace in knowing that He has everything under control. I don't know what the future holds for us (not everything anyway), but I know that worrying about every possibility isn't getting me anywhere. It was shortly after this when Hubby got the news about the job. Coincidence? Who knows. All I know is that I have nothing to complain about. I have healthy kids, a new adventure ahead of me, and we're going to DisneyWorld in July! We've secured a real estate agent to help us find a home in our new area, and we've already been pre-qualified for a mortgage (both of these things are good to have in the pocket). Everything else will work out somehow...

More Good News

Hubby got another invitation for a campus visit!! It came out of the blue, especially considering he hasn't even had a phone interview with this school. But, it's t-t position in his field, and in a location not too far away from where we lived back in the U.S. It's also near a large metropolitan, where there are several schools at which I could likely find work. Again, not getting my hopes up, but as Hubby said, it's nice to know that it's no longer a "one and done" situation.

I should say that I'm so proud of and happy for him! I thought if the situation came up, I'd be at least a little bit jealous, but I'm not. If anything, I'm relieved that it's not me having to face the anxiety and nervousness of a job talk or teaching demo. I'm really nothing but completely happy for his success thus far!

Not the One

Apparently, God has other plans for me, and they don't include the school with which I interviewed at MLA. I'm bummed. I feel ashamed and like I let down my kids and my family, and more importantly, I feel like that was my only chance. The spring job market has yet to materialize at all, so I don't have much hope there. I just pray that whatever God's plans are, they include our family living in the US really soon.

Interview Success

Whether I get a campus visit or not, the interview was beautifully! No weird questions, no tricky questions to decipher, and no fumbling answers. They asked typical questions about my dissertation, my future research, and my courses, and I was prepared for all of those (without sounding scripted). It was like a conversation with two lovely colleagues that I'd love to work down the hall from....really, it couldn't have gone better.

There's no second-guessing how I could have answered this question or that question better. I feel like I gave them solid, specific answers for everything, and even better, they expressed seemingly genuine interest in my dissertation topic and my syllabi and course plans (i.e. they commented on my syllabi more than once).

I don't know how many people they interviewed, but it doesn't really matter. I did my best, and I walked away feeling like I knocked it out of the park! Even if I don't get this job, I'll be okay...But still, I'd really, really, really, LOOOVVVEEE to get this job. So, you know, send good job vibes this way if you have a moment.

The Silence is Deafening

Oh people....how I long to hear news of an interview request.

Surprisingly, I have been completely unaffected by the jobs I see vanishing into Wiki thin air (as in they've clearly moved on with other candidates). No big deal, I just check them off my list. The torturous part is that the two schools that requested my dossier still have yet to schedule MLA interviews. GAHHHH!!! It's the end of the semester, already. What else are you people doing if not trying to figure out who to interview?!

I haven't yet been obsessive about the Wiki or the interviews, but I'm starting to feel a bit anxious about a Plan B. That is, I think my chances of landing a job in the spring market are even worse (for various reasons), which leaves us with two options: go home and *hope* something pans out over the summer or stay here for another year and *hope* we have better luck on the market next year. Yeah, um, neither of those sound appealing to me. I know we'd save lots of money, have plenty of time to focus on our work/research, and we wouldn't really be "expired produce" yet. But I want to have a HOME. A home that is mine, one that I can tear down, build onto, paint the walls of, pick out furniture for, and raise my kids in. I'm ready to put down roots and return to our "normal" American lifestyle. I feel like we've paid our dues, fulfilled our contracts, and achieved our professional goals for the time we've had here, and now it's time for the rest of our plan to fall into place: get jobs back home!

I'm making slow but steady progress on the essay that's been accepted for publication, but a sick toddler has taken up some of my work time. We leave in 9 days for the States, and I still have to finish a rough draft of this essay (I'm 1,300 words away) before next Wednesday, grade the final papers for my comp class, purchase the two "big" gifts we're getting the littlest ones, and start a packing list. This is all overwhelming right now, but if I just had some good job news, I think I could take everything a little bit easier.

Fate?

Well, my friends, I received another dossier request. This one came from The One. Like The One you want to marry in dating terms, but this is in the professional sense. It's the job located where, once upon a time, I stated to several people along the graduate school route, I'd love to end up teaching in X State (for all sorts of reasons). Then, lo and behold a job opening in my field comes up, not only in X State, but in at Perfect University with Wonderful Department. Add to this:

• I know people there. Like, I was solicited for an article by one member of the department who is in my field and now in a Dean's position.
• I also know the other senior member of the department, who is also in my field, but works in the latter part of the century I specialize in and in another genre (thus avoiding the "we don't want to duplicate Great Scholar factor"). And when I say "I know this person," I mean I invited her to give a keynote at my department early modern studies group, we went to lunch, we talked, we hugged, and I adore her work. She is a warm, compassionate, admirable, and indefatigueable colleague and person that anyone would be lucky to work down the hall from, much less to have as a mentor.
• Add to these facts that this person has known my dissertation advisor for many years. They are good friends, and contact has been made to ensure that even if Great Scholar isn't on the Search Committee, she knows that I'm a candidate.
• I come from a state like this. I studied at a school like this. I would happily play well with the people that make up this department because I see that they produce smart, productive, professional active graduates, and they provide great mentorship for junior scholars as well.
• It's in an area that is "great to raise a family in" and beautiful on top of everything else, without being close to a coast (where it seems many scholars want to live).
• It's close-ish to family, but not too close.
• Good college football.
• The job is one I'm perfect for in that I compliment beautifully the research interests and records of the established scholars in the field/department. I don't duplicate their work, but I would love and benefit from the intellectual collaboration that would come from working in such a department.
• I know these students. I was one of these students. I would easily fall in love with these students and have them over to my home for readings of Restoration plays and we'd have pizza, and all would be well in the world.

In short, naive as it sounds, once upon a time, I said, "Wouldn't it be great if I could end up in X State?" And now, even though at least 3 other people (according to the job wiki) got dossier requests, there's a chance fate may smile on me, and I deserve it just as much as the next person. I'm just as qualified, and I've dotted all the "i's" and crossed all the "t's." PhD in hand. Publication accepted. Publication under review. Research agenda in line, and good teaching evals to boot. Except there's little I can do except sit back and wait, hope, and pray that I get an intervew request.

I can *DO* this job. I can be fabulous at this job, and love it and pet it, and sing to it, and never, ever leave it. This is a place where I can see Hubby and I putting down roots and retiring for good. The hard part? Not getting my hopes up for something I want so very badly.

And thus the need for the crazy pills. And wine. And a strong husband who supports me through it all, including a 6-day trip to London for research starting on Saturday. Right now, that sounds like heaven!! Archives, a theater show, reservations at one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants, the tapas bar Barcelona, which is beyond amazing food (Zagat rated and totally affordable)! I can't wait to sleep in a little, work all day, people watch at Covent Garden, and maybe do some Christmas shopping. Things are okay for now...please send good vibes my way for an interview. I really believe if I can meet these people in persons, they'll see that I'm already one of the departmental family.

Random Good (and Potentially Good) Things

• I got my first dossier request last week! On one hand, YAY TEAM! On the other hand, it's from a really good school, and I don't think I'm "the one" they're really looking for. I can totally do what they're looking for (at least what they describe in the ad), but it's not primary focus. I probably won't even get an interview request after they read my additional material, but it's a nice way to start the job market season.


• Have I mentioned that Hubby and I are going to the USMC Birthday Ball? If not, we are, and it's next month, and apparently the thing to do in Doha is to have one's dress tailor- made. So, I did! I found a couture dress by Jovani, which I fell absolutely in love with, and I took a picture of it to a local tailor...and voila...I go pick it up today. The whole process is unbelievable to me. You take the picture, he sketches out the dress, making any changes you want, then he takes your measurements, tells you how much material you need (and what kind). Then, you hop across the street to the fabric souq and buy the material. This is a picture of my tailor's shop...check out the dress in the storefront.

I've already had two fittings, so I know the dress fits beautifully. I'm just amazed to have such a stunning, simple, formal gown made precisely to fit *my body*.

• Makeup: well, why stop at a couture gown, I ask? Thinking this will be the only time that I have a reason for and the financial means to look truly mahvelous, I have reserved an appointment with a professional MAC artist to have my makeup done. Like, she has an artist's portfolio, and she's done photo shoots for national ads and stuff! And get this---it's going to be airbrushed!! I've never had airbrushed makeup before, and I feel all naive and child-like, imagining that my makeup will be flawless, and for once, I really will be pretty :)
• If, that is, ...I can get the hair. For the first time, I'm trying a salon in Doha on Saturday. The master stylist that my friend recommended isn't accepting new clients, but if I'm happy with the job one of the other stylists does this weekend, then I'm going to see if I can convince her (the master stylist) to do my hair just for the Ball. I'm a little nervous about this haircut and highlights....God, I hope she doesn't screw up my hair.

Yes, I realize this post was all about me and shallow things about me, at that...But, you know, it's just what I had to talk about right now, and it's my damn blog.

And Now, to Write the Thing...While on the Market

So, I am very excited to have something accepted for publication, yes? Except now I'm stressing. This is the first thing I will have written without my advisor sort of overseeing the project. The co-editors e-mailed to let me know that they deadline for essays is January 31st. Is this a good amount of time? Shorter than usual? Longer? I have no idea what normal is here. I don't think there will be any problem meeting the deadline, but I just feel the pressure of knowing this essay needs to be perfect: well written, well researched, innovative, and provocative. It's been a while since I've been in the research/drafting mode, so I'm still trying to figure out a realistic schedule...like 3-4 pages a week plus the researching that needs to be done as I write....and send out job materials.

Yes, the MLA job list came out last week, and I had to laugh out loud at some of the positions. Were they in my field? Sure. But, will schools like Georgetown, Cornell, Columbia, and Dartmouth hire me? I doubt it. Of course, I'll apply anyway because I'm crazy like that. My advisor says they are "possibles." Meh. There's actually a job at a very good state school, an R1, where I know one of the department faculty who's in my field pretty well. I've worked with her before, and I adore her and her work. She's brilliant, productive, and very supportive of junior scholars. I'm hoping that it will help to know someone on the inside, though it may not count for anything at all. I'm also hoping that the MLA list gets much longer very soon. Right now, there are about 23 jobs for which I'm applying (only 2 of those are generalist positions, and 1 is a postdoc). I'm also hoping that some smaller schools start placing ads in my area because the ones that are hiring now would be really long-shots for me.

Dude Who Got the Job

I found out who got the job I interviewed for at the end of the summer, and I totally understand why I didn't get the job: I was too research-y.

Dude Who Got the Job (DWGJ) had been an adjunct at a small, combined/regional branch of a state school and had many years of teaching experience (though probably not too many more than myself). He'd been adjuncting since 2001, and though his listed specialty was more of a fit with the job ad, he'd never published anything, nor were there any conference papers to his name since earning the PhD.

When asked in the interview about my research, I had three projects to discuss with them, two of which were publication opportunities (one article and the dissertation/book manuscript). For a teaching school, I can see how I would look like a candidate that cared a great deal about my research, whereas DWGJ had the past nine years to teach all sorts of introductory literature and writing courses (including tech writing, which I've never taught) and had demonstrated the ability to carry a 4/4 (at least) teaching load.

Lesson learned: try to recognize when a school may be asking about research in order to determine what kind of teacher you are/will be.

Post-Dissertation Productivity: Or, One of the Perks of My Job

Now that the dissertation is finished, I am able to fully realize what is likely the biggest benefit to this job (second, perhaps, to the money): TIME!

I am scheduled to teach 2 classes each semester. This semester, one of those classes has only 2 students enrolled. Despite all logic and normal operations of any university, the powers that be are requiring that this course continue to be offered. So, I have made this class as easy on myself and the students as possible, and suffice it to say that this class takes up less than 2 hours per week of my time. My other class, a basic intro to rhet/comp class, is made up of 12 students. I have taught this course many times over the past 9 years, so there is little prep to be done. The time spent is on reading, commenting on, and grading papers. Since there are only 12 students, though, this is a fairly quick process, leaving me with plenty of time to concentrate on my own work: preparing job market materials, researching, and revising.

Thus far, I've already submitted an essay proposal for an edited collection, and I just submitted a paper proposal for an ASECS panel. The panel organizer is a graduate student I met a couple years ago at a conference in England, and I talked with her again at the 2009 ASECS conference, so I'm hoping (maybe foolishly) that she'll remember me and think "Oh yes, she's a smart person with good ideas...of course I'll accept her paper." Doesn't really matter, because I'm going to the conference whether the proposal is accepted or not. I have also significantly revised my teaching philosophy after noticing some weak spots, reflecting on my experience teaching abroad this past year, and reading some damn fine teaching statements from other people in the field.

The only major task I have yet to finish up is revising my writing sample/journal article submission. I have about 10 things I need to address, change, develop, etc. and then it will be ready to go. It feels so good to be able to choose what I want to work on each day, and it feels even better having the time to get finished what needs to be finished. I know that I'm lucky in the sense that most people do not have this experience as lecturers or graduate students going on the market, and I just hope that the extra time I'm spending on crafting a strong job letter, teaching statement, etc. will pay off in the form of a job!

Early Job Ads

Okay folks, some early ads have appeared, one of which was written for me. Really and truly, someone must have been reading my CV when they wrote this ad, for it is everything I read, write, study, and love! As of today, I still have hope. This could, however, change at any moment. I'll be applying for jobs in my area of specialization, as well as generalist jobs. If the load is a 4/4 (rather than a 5/5), I will also apply to community college positions that offer the chance to teach literature (rather than all comp courses). The goal, of course, is for either myself or Hubby to land a tenure-track job back in the US. If we can get placed at the same school or schools in proximity to each other, then we're happy with taking visiting or short-term gigs. The hope is that being available for interview at our respective field's annual conferences (MLA for me, AHA for Hubby) will help us get to the campus visit stage despite the cost of international airfare. In this economy, though, who knows...and in this market, all sorts of weird things are happening. For example, one school is conducting interviews at a regional MLA conference in early November! Trying to get a jump on hiring the good people? Trying to hire before they get their money taken away? Both? Who knows...

All I know is: We Need Jobs in the US! Let the market season begin....

I Take That as a No?

Yeah, so I haven't heard from the search committee, so I'm assuming I will not get an invitation for a campus visit. This sucks. I tried not to get my hopes up, but clearly I did, and it doesn't feel good to know they like someone else better (for whatever reason). I'm still going through all my answers and thinking about the ways I should have worded something differently, said this instead of that. Just knowing that I haven't made it to the next stage has really deflated me. Really. Deflated.

On top of the job thing coming out of the blue and then disappearing as quickly as it came, some family stuff came up that was pretty nasty. It's a long(-ish) story, but it boils down to being incredibly hurt by my little brother. He is still very much under the influence of my father, yet he doesn't realize this. My father continues to manipulate everyone around him, and while my brother thinks he's immune to it, he so very clearly is not. My father has told him lies about me (that I don't ever call him or return his calls, for example), which have contributed to my brother holding a certain judgment of me that's complete bullshit (not that it's okay to judge people in general, mind you). On top of this, my brother thinks I'm "cold-hearted" for not feeling obligated to maintain some sort of connection--even if it's just superficial--to the man who helped create me. The same man who abused me, brainwashed me, and in no way seeks to have any sort of parent-child relationship based on mutual honesty, respect, and love. Um, yeah, I don't want to have any relationship that isn't based, at least, on mutual respect and honesty....to do so would be unhealthy and set an incredibly bad example for my daughters.

My brother? Agrees that my dad still can't be trusted and doesn't know how to be a parent, but still thinks I should feel compelled to have a relationship with him because he's my dad. No, I do not feel this. Haven't for a long time and probably never will, and it has nothing to do with forgiveness because that happened a long time ago. This has to do with him and his behavior now.

After the longest cry I've had in quite a while, Hubby helped me pull myself together, but I still can't shake the overwhelming sadness I feel about the job, my brother, having to go back to Doha, everything. For some reason, I'm also feeling completely unmotivated to do anything in terms of work, even though now more than ever, I need to get the things done that will help me most on the job market, and I only have 2 more work days before we start cleaning, packing, shipping, and travelling. I should be excited for graduation next week, but I'm not. I need to shake this funk, and it needs to happen quickly.