RBoC: The Stateside Edition

• I cleared the thesis office a while ago...this means that the only thing standing between me and my PhD is..oh yeah, nothing! I shall be hooded by my advisor next month, and my biggest challenge will be to keep from crying like an idiot in front of everyone.
• I don't want to leave and return to Doha. Please don't make me go!
• The job market season is fast approaching and this alternatively makes me nervous and terrified. There is one job that recently openend out of the blue, and it's in my field, t-t, and it's in an area that would be really good for Hubby's research. It's also at a school where I think I'd be a pretty good candidate (based on the profiles of their current English faculty). It's hard not to get my hopes up, but seriously, I'd absolutely love it if, by some miracle, they pursued me as a candidate, hired me, and the girls and I could just move there and set up shop while Hubby went back to Doha and supervised the packing of our things! I know that sounds horrible and completely unprofessional and makes me look like an awful employee. But, just like over Christmas break, being back home has made me realize how much I really, really, truly don't like living in Doha. Can I tolerate it? Yes, of course, but primarily because my kids are happy and that makes most everything/anything tolerable. But, am I happy? Not really... Am I happy back here in the U.S.? Hell. Freaking. Yes. That doesn't mean life is perfect here, but it's OMG a thousand times better for a thousand different reasons. Case in point, my mother was recently hospitalized and my dad couldn't get out of work to be with her after they admitted her. Because I'm here, I was able to drive down, stay with her, and help care for her while she was in the hospital for two days. Thank God I was here...but what if it had happened while I was in Doha? It would have killed me to not be able to see her and be with her while she was sick.
• I'm working steadily and on schedule to meet the goals I set for getting out a revised article and a proposal for a collection of essays and the annual conference in my field of study. Go team! :D
• Hubby and I are taking a "Job in the U.S. or Bust" approach to this year's job market. This is to say that we are coming back to the U.S. after the 2010-2011 school year, whether we have academic jobs or not. This is ballsy, I know. This could involve all sorts of added stress as we apply to EVERYTHING we're qualified for, but it's what we have to do in order to optimize our chances of landing academic jobs, even if they're short-term.
• Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with Hubby and I because it seems like we're the only couple who really don't like being in Doha. We continue to hear how other expats from the US "love the adventure" and are "cherishing" everything about the culture, and we just look at each other like, "What are we missing? Is it just us?" Don't get me wrong....sometimes you can talk to someone who's lived there (or in the area for many years), and they can give you a laundry list of things they've grown to hate over the years. I guess it just feels, occasionally, like people are telling themselves how much they love it, over and over, so that they'll eventually believe it. Or, maybe Hubby and I are just crazy...who knows.
• Did I mention I don't want to go back? Yeah, I don't.

The Urge Toward "Other Options"

After this year's job market experience, in which I expected nothing and got nothing, I'd decided not to enter into the spring job market so as not to take any time away from the dissertation. Though there are never any guarantees, I remain hopeful that, with PhD in hand, my next job market run (Dec 09) will be better (not like it could be worse, right?). The problem/issue is that I can't seem to shake the thought, feeling, or maybe urge is the best word, that I'm ready to be done and move on. By this I mean primarily to have a full-time job. A colleague put it best today when she described this urge as my way of disassociating myself from my department, school, and this town. I'm mentally preparing myself for the moving on that will happen when I get a job. The problem is that I'm not terribly patient when it comes to things other than my children. Maybe it's partly in my nature and partly a result from having two children and a third on the way, but I'm seriously wondering if I should consider "other options," options that depart from the traditional

Step 1: finish diss and hit job market in Dec w/PhD in hand, with the hope of
Step 2: landing a t-t job at the best 4-year school I can find and then
Step 3: publishing my way up to a better school, and so on, and so on.

For example, there are full-time, tenure-track positions open in my field AND my husband's field at a community college (the largest public institution of higher education) in his big, urban, hometown. The course load is 4-4, which would very likely be the course load at any school we'd land jobs at right after we finish. The cost of living is higher, but I'm guessing that the salary accounts for the cost of living. So, my dilemma is whether or not to consider options like this at this point.

On one hand: I have another year of funding as a grad student (teaching only one course per semester), though I won't need another academic year to finish. I have yet to see how the job market treats me with a PhD in hand (neither does my husband). I've been told by the "powers that be" in my department's graduate office that funding as a lecturer will very likely be available for 2-3 years after I finish. I have a history of short-changing myself and my work, thinking neither are good or smart enough; this especially happens when I get scared of unknown factors (i.e. an even worse economy next year, not getting a job even with a PhD in hand, not getting a publication out before or soon after I'm finished).

I'm not sure sure what's on the other hand....Maybe the possibility that I could hate teaching at a cc? Or worse, I'd hate it, but no 4-year would hire after I'd been at a cc? Is there a stigma associated with teaching at cc's that prevents you from moving on to good 4-year universities? What are the statistics for how many people move from a cc to a 4-year? I'm also pretty sure my advisor would expressly discourage me considering this option, at least at this point, unless there were extenuating circumstances (family, personal issues, etc.). I don't have a good sense of self-awareness in terms of knowing with any certainty where or at what kind of school I'd be happy. There are definitely some places I know I'd be miserable at, but how do I know if I'd be happy teaching at a cc (or any other school) if I haven't yet done so? I can't stand the thought of teaching nothing but introductory composition and literature forever, but I also shudder at the thought of the pressure to publish, publish, publish, OR ELSE!

I guess I have the academic equivalent of cold feet or something...I feel the urge to get a damn job now, as long as its one that I could be remotely comfortable with (full-time, tenure-track, not in the desert or CA, FL, ND, SD, WY, or several other states where I don't think I'd be happy living). But, I also recognize the sense it makes to chill out, relax, and follow the Traditional Path of Academic Progress, especially when there's absolutely nothing to lose (at this point) by doing so.

Ugh...this is one of those times where I really wish I had a wide audience who could wisely guide toward the light.

Maybe there really is "No Place Like Home"?

Today's Chronicle offers an interesting little list for those of us about to go on the market this fall. Despite the obvious fact that non-Ivy PhD's have little choice in today's job market, everyone manages to have a few preferences in terms of location or what type of school they'd like to work for. Hubby and I have pretty much ruled out anything in the northeast, California, or the Pacific northwest. We've done so for several reasons, but the most important is cost of living. It makes no sense to accept jobs in places where we'd only be scraping by to afford schools and a house in a safe neighborhood while also paying back student loans. Interestingly enough, my home state has an incredibly low cost of living and two Home State universities consistently made almost every category (in their respective size listings) in the Chronicle's list of 2008 Great Colleges to Work For. Most of the criteria aren't things we'd previously considered when discussing how we would determine which jobs to apply for, but now that I've seen this I'll be keeping them in mind as I pore over the MLA job list in October.

The thing is, I'd NEVER planned on returning to Home State. Sure, it would be great to be closer to family, and a couple of the bigger towns in Home State are really nice places to raise a family. However, the institutions there aren't the kind of places that I see as stepping stones for my career and more importantly, they don't offer much in terms of my field (no major early modern work going on in any of these schools). According to the list, though, there are some really great schools to work for in Home State. In fact, a colleague of mine took a job at one of them last year, and he loves it there.

I guess there's no real point to this post except to say that I've never experienced such a vast Period of the Unknown in my life. It might help us on the market that we're not looking at the typical places academics want to work, but what are we sacrificing in that process? Ultimately, our priority is making the decision that's best for The Family, but there are so many factors in that decision that it's utterly exhausting to think about.

Dissertation: Maybe a light at the end of the tunnel?

In my meeting with my advisor on Monday, she agreed that it makes perfect sense to cut my second chapter. Of course, I know that the material I'd planned to cover will still need to be very briefly mentioned in my introduction, but she agreed that the chapter wasn't crucial to my argument. This means very good things for my timeline. My project will have an intro, four body chapters, and a conclusion. Three of the four body chapters have been drafted, and one of them is currently under revision. The remaining body chapter is what I call my Easy Chapter because it's primarily a survey of the types of literature and texts (which also deal with the specific discourse I'm focusing on) to which the writers I study would have had access to and/or, in some cases, responded. I will provide some synthesis of this material to help readers get a feel for the major discussions, contributors, avenues and methods of production and circulation, etc., but my task is not to bring new light to them, as I do for the texts considered in my other three chapters).

Despite discovering that revision of a chapter is soooooo much harder than drafting a chapter, I'll be finished with revisions of my third chapter next Friday. This leaves me with two weeks off to prepare for my conference presentation and trip to England. When I get back, I'll have about five weeks to draft the survey-ish first chapter. According to this timeline, the beginning of August will find me with a mostly-complete manuscript draft (with the exception of the introduction and conclusion). I'll then have to turn to the following, but I'm not sure what order they should come in:

1. Preparing a writing sample for the job market
2. Drafting either the introduction or conclusion
3. Revising the first two body chapters my advisor has already reviewed

So which should come first? Do I head into them simultaneously?

In addition to these things, my advisor has decided to create a Supplemental Reading List for me to complete between now and December. Because my dissertation has taken me, quite unexpectedly, into the realm of Restoration and 18th-century drama by women, it's logical to assume that I might/should be expected/prepared to teach a course in early modern English theater. It's also to be expected that, upon reading about the women I study in my dissertation, a job search committee member might then say something like, "Well what about men's dramatic writing? What about Wycherly, Congreve, Farquhar, and Etherege?" These are questions to which I'll need to have very good answers, and the Supplemental Reading List (SRL) is designed to help with this.

On one hand, I'm thinking: Hey AcadeMama, you're doing okay. You've only been writing a year, and you've got more than 100 pages finished and 3 out of 4 chapters drafted! You can totally write a dissertation.

On the other hand, I'm thinking: AcadeMama, do you even know what a dissertation looks like? How the hell do you think you're going to pull this off? What if you don't pull this off? Then what? What if your advisor doesn't think your work is smart, sophisticated, or sufficient to earn you a tenure track position? What if other members want so many revisions that your Grand Plan to finish in May 09 is laughed at by everyone on your committee?

The thing is, I could totally keep going with stuff that's "On the other hand"... Though I'd had a sneaking suspicion of this all along, it was recently confirmed that my advisor is not the Praising-Nurturing kind of mentor, who gives you critical feedback but still somehow manages to make you feel like you're doing a really great job (if this makes sense). She's more like the Yes-You're Doing What You're Supposed to be Doing- kind of advisor. 95% of the time, I'm okay with that, now that I know that this is just her personality, rather than a reflection of my work, capabilities, or intelligence. But sometimes, like 5% of the time, I really wish I had that other kind of advisor. Sometimes, I just want a Scooby Snack and to be told that I've done better than "what I'm supposed to do." You know what I mean?

Getting Anxious

Every other day or so I find myself increasingly anxious about two main things that are or will be coming up soon:

1) trying for our third (and last) baby in just 2 months!! (with my July cycle)
2) going on the job market this fall

With the first one, I'm just scared about the idea of 3 children. My brain knows that everything will be okay. Things get done. Children are provided for, loved, and nobody goes without attention and affection. But, I've only done this for 2 kids so far. I can do 2 kids. We have our routine and everything. I'm already trying to design a daily schedule in an Excel spreadsheet for how the morning routine should work with a third child in the mix (yes, I'm a bit anal/crazy). I'm really starting to get excited about trying to get pregnant again, as I truly enjoy being pregnant (no matter the fatigue, back pain, etc.). But I'm also scared of what may follow: the baby blues again (like I had after E was born), the problems nursing, the feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control. Ultimately, though, we have a plan, one we're comfortable with and believe is optimal for our lives, careers, and family situation.

The job market? Ugh...! I'm just scared, feeling inadequate, unprepared, like a freshman going through some hazing ritual. There's too much on this one for now...it needs a post of its own, which will come soon, right after I turn in this chapter at the end of next week.

What is Tenure, Really?

It just dawned on me that, if asked to define tenure, I wouldn't really be able to do so. I know it means job security....like once you've got tenure, you can't really be fired. But really, you can, right? I mean, what the hell is that actual working definition and understanding of tenure within the academic community? And, shouldn't this be something graduate programs discuss fairly early with graduate students, or at the least, when they go on the market? Also, what's required to gain tenure? I know there's a wide range of requirements, which usually depend on the field, the particular institution, and the specific guidelines for an individual department. But, what's the range look like? What set of requirements corresponds to a medium-sized English Department in a medium-sized Masters Degree-granting institution? And at what point do graduate students learn the categorization system, which would seem to be important in determining the jobs for which one applies?

Just asking, because I haven't seen any of this information in any brochure thus far in my career.

More fears about the market process...

11. & 12. I've heard from many people, and it makes complete sense, that one should "research" an institution before applying for a position, and definitely before making a campus visit. My fear is two-fold: First, I'm afraid I won't be able to tell the difference between an institution's "brochure" truth and an institution's reality. Second, I'm afraid I won't know how to explore/investigate discrepancies between the two during an interview (whether at MLA or on campus).

I should qualify this fear with the confession that I'm fairly gullible. I'm not stupid, and I'm not entirely lacking in common sense. However, I tend to *want* to believe the best about people, places, things, etc. I'm not suspicious by nature; instead, I go into most job or career-related situations sort of inherently believing "This is good. This is what I want. These people would never tell a lie or be unethical." I know, of course, this isn't always true, but how/when do you know - really know - when to ask the hard questions, what the hard questions are, and how to ask them?