Every other day or so I find myself increasingly anxious about two main things that are or will be coming up soon:
1) trying for our third (and last) baby in just 2 months!! (with my July cycle)
2) going on the job market this fall
With the first one, I'm just scared about the idea of 3 children. My brain knows that everything will be okay. Things get done. Children are provided for, loved, and nobody goes without attention and affection. But, I've only done this for 2 kids so far. I can do 2 kids. We have our routine and everything. I'm already trying to design a daily schedule in an Excel spreadsheet for how the morning routine should work with a third child in the mix (yes, I'm a bit anal/crazy). I'm really starting to get excited about trying to get pregnant again, as I truly enjoy being pregnant (no matter the fatigue, back pain, etc.). But I'm also scared of what may follow: the baby blues again (like I had after E was born), the problems nursing, the feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control. Ultimately, though, we have a plan, one we're comfortable with and believe is optimal for our lives, careers, and family situation.
The job market? Ugh...! I'm just scared, feeling inadequate, unprepared, like a freshman going through some hazing ritual. There's too much on this one for now...it needs a post of its own, which will come soon, right after I turn in this chapter at the end of next week.
Showing posts with label family planning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family planning. Show all posts
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Planning Ahead
In other news, I've started the tracking process that goes along with trying to conceive when you have a borderline case of PCOS. I'm not overweight, have no insulin problems, and I'm not diabetic. I do, however, have horribly irregular menstrual cycles (thanks Mom!), which usually last between 30-38 days. What we discovered while trying to get pregnant with E is that my FSH levels are not in proportion with the Lh levels, causing me to have cycles that are sometimes anovulatory. For example, with every three cycles, I may only ovulate once. Since time is of the essence and I'm a Pregnancy Planner (gasp!), we really need to conceive within the late-July to October window, as I'm hoping to stay home with the baby over the summer. I can't get pregnant before July because a) I don't want to be visibly pregnant while on the market in December and b) I don't want to be delivering a baby during the Spring 09 semester, when I'm team-teaching an upper-level class with my advisor.
Thus, the peeing in a cup has begun. Unlike many women, my peak fertility days are *never* days 12-15. When I got pregnant with E - the only month I got a positive ovulation test - it was Day 21 when the stick turned purple. I start the Lh tests around day 16 and test until I see a positive result or the next cycle begins (the latter is always a frustrating and disappointing scenario). My hope is that by late-July, I'll have a decent recorded history of the past 3-4 cycles and a better idea of which days will be the most fertilicious!
Thus, the peeing in a cup has begun. Unlike many women, my peak fertility days are *never* days 12-15. When I got pregnant with E - the only month I got a positive ovulation test - it was Day 21 when the stick turned purple. I start the Lh tests around day 16 and test until I see a positive result or the next cycle begins (the latter is always a frustrating and disappointing scenario). My hope is that by late-July, I'll have a decent recorded history of the past 3-4 cycles and a better idea of which days will be the most fertilicious!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Crushed...Like a Bug
Well, my hubby single-handedly kaboshed my third-baby-sooner -rather-than-later dreams. I still had it on my mind when I got home Friday evening. The "in tune with me" man that he is, he could tell something was rattling around up there in that head of mine, but I kept it to myself. After taking H to meet Nana on Saturday (which begins her 3 week stay in Home State) and driving back, hubby and I had a quiet evening home with E. Once we all went to bed, I broke out with the goods. I could tell he wasn't terribly interested in having the conversation, but he was willing to hear my list of Pros and Cons. I explained that I certainly wasn't wanting to "try" try getting pregnant like we did with E. You know, the whole ovulation testing, temping, charting, crazy sex on peak fertility days process. That's a roller coaster that I'm quite happy not to get on again. I was thinking the "let it roll" method this time and not starting that until August or so. Then, Hubby had the kabosh point:
"We'd absolutely have to get a minivan" he said in the dark.
Oh yeah. Duh. Family of five - with two car seats - won't exactly fit in the 4-door sedan, and damn sure won't fit in the 2-door, 4-passenger other vehicle we have. Shit. Big obstacle. Completely practical obstacle. I can't believe I hadn't thought of this (thus showing how crazy I must be). I can just picture Hurricane H trying to squeeze past one of the car seats to sit in between them...like a friggin bull in a china cabinet!
On the bright side, Hubby is super excited about the idea of a minivan - he's officially old! I despise them. I think they look like giant Hoover Dustbusters sucking the dirt from the roads. I swore I'd never own one. They're for church moms, young grandmas who garden, and soccer moms....Wait, H played soccer this Spring, so that makes me...aww shit.
There's no way out of this one. We certainly aren't in the position to spring for an SUV over the minivan. Hell, who am I kidding, we aren't in the position to spring for a minivan.
So there you have it. No sort of baby-making can be happening until the money has been saved for trading in on a minivan, or until we're making enough to cover the monthly payments on one. This one is obvious, so it's like my third baby wishes have scampered away into the darkness, knowing they've been defeated and that there's no point in putting up a fight.
I also respect something Hubby said while we were talking about this. He said he would have serious doubt about his ability to finish his dissertation if we were to have a third child before he was finished. Granted, he's a worryer and a pessimist in general, but I wouldn't want him to feel that much pressure or resentment or anything negative when it comes to a decision like this, so I accept his concerns. But I did try to explain the fact that he's not the one who has to worry about timing pregnancy weight (the showing factor) with the job market interviews, or maternity leave with a new job, each of which are also factors that I have to consider.
Thus we begin the Savings Campaign, and nothing but good can come from that, right?
"We'd absolutely have to get a minivan" he said in the dark.
Oh yeah. Duh. Family of five - with two car seats - won't exactly fit in the 4-door sedan, and damn sure won't fit in the 2-door, 4-passenger other vehicle we have. Shit. Big obstacle. Completely practical obstacle. I can't believe I hadn't thought of this (thus showing how crazy I must be). I can just picture Hurricane H trying to squeeze past one of the car seats to sit in between them...like a friggin bull in a china cabinet!
On the bright side, Hubby is super excited about the idea of a minivan - he's officially old! I despise them. I think they look like giant Hoover Dustbusters sucking the dirt from the roads. I swore I'd never own one. They're for church moms, young grandmas who garden, and soccer moms....Wait, H played soccer this Spring, so that makes me...aww shit.
There's no way out of this one. We certainly aren't in the position to spring for an SUV over the minivan. Hell, who am I kidding, we aren't in the position to spring for a minivan.
So there you have it. No sort of baby-making can be happening until the money has been saved for trading in on a minivan, or until we're making enough to cover the monthly payments on one. This one is obvious, so it's like my third baby wishes have scampered away into the darkness, knowing they've been defeated and that there's no point in putting up a fight.
I also respect something Hubby said while we were talking about this. He said he would have serious doubt about his ability to finish his dissertation if we were to have a third child before he was finished. Granted, he's a worryer and a pessimist in general, but I wouldn't want him to feel that much pressure or resentment or anything negative when it comes to a decision like this, so I accept his concerns. But I did try to explain the fact that he's not the one who has to worry about timing pregnancy weight (the showing factor) with the job market interviews, or maternity leave with a new job, each of which are also factors that I have to consider.
Thus we begin the Savings Campaign, and nothing but good can come from that, right?
Friday, June 29, 2007
What the Hell Am I Thinking?
Despite being busy working on a dissertation, raising an 8-yr. old who's going on 16, and taking care of my wonderful 8-month old baby girl, I seem to be thinking A LOT about being pregnant again. Yep, I said it; it's finally out there.
Due to a variety of issues with the Pill, I've decided to go off it. I unexpectedly ended up not having any pills left this past month, and the difference has been amazing. I've had energy, a sex drive, and I've generally been much happier. Between the hormone problems that come with borderline PCOS (which I was diagnosed with when we were trying to conceive) and the fact that I'd only recently stopped taking the pill, we figured we were pretty safe in having sex this past month. As I was waiting for my period, though, I started counting the cycle days and realized we had indeed had sex on one of my peak ovulation days (had I been ovulating). So, we knew the chance was there, but weren't too worried about it. Hubby said, "If it happens, it happens." I didn't really want to be pregnant, but there wasn't anything I could do about it by then, so I just waited. After I was a couple days late, I got concerned. In the end, we were right, and we were safe: period came, not pregnant.
At my annual gynie visit, I told him of my decision to go off the Pill and explained that hubby and I want to have a third (and final) child, and we'd probably start trying next August (2008). [Reasoning: This way, I'd be pregnant while finishing diss revisions, but not showing while on the market. I'd deliver just after the Spring 08 term is over and have the summer to stay home with baby. And, we're both funded for up to three years after completion, so we wouldn't be in fear of being kicked out into the cold, cruel world.] He said IUDs are really meant for women not wanting to get pregnant at all or at least for 3-5 years, so he suggested I not go that route. Instead, he recommended that we either use condoms or the natural family planning method (or both), especially if it wasn't going to be a problem if I did end up pregnant unexpectedly. I just don't like condoms. I have this weird thing about them...like a "condoms just aren't for married people" mantra. I know it doesn't make sense, but it just seems odd to be using a condom with my husband.
The point is that over the past month, all of this has gotten me thinking about pregnancy - again.
On the Con side of this issue:
1) I'm a busy academic mother, married to a busy academic father, and we're both living on graduate student budgets (meaning we pay the bills, but there ain't nothing left over). The only way we could afford daycare for another baby is by dipping into the financial aid we get each semester.
2) We both want to finish by next fall and plan to enter the market then as well. Hubby is fairly emphatic that dissertations must be almost finished before any baby making can begin.
3) Every once in a while, I realize that I would be lost trying to care for a newborn, while also trying to enjoy all of the baby- & toddler-hood that's left to come from Baby E. My mother has added her two cents that "it's not fair to E" to have another baby so quickly.
4) And then there's the shudder of shame I feel when just thinking about the idea of having to tell my dissertation advisor that I'm pregnant - again - while finishing my dissertation. Not that she'd judge, but I'm sure she'd be disappointed in my decision-making ability (and possibly question my committment to academia).
5) I'm still not sure if any of this is related to my previous breastfeeding issues. Not that I'll ever get completely over those feelings, but I'd hate for a decision like this to be primarily driven by them.
6) I'm not fond of the idea of having another child in daycare.
On the Pro side of the issue:
1) I really can't help the feeling that I'd love to be pregnant right now...or soon. I actually like being pregnant. I like the specialness of it. It's such a unique time and experience, and I enjoy it.
2) As I've been told time and again by long-tenured faculty, I'll never have as much time as I have right now. It only gets busier in terms of academia, especially once you're on the tenure track. From what I can tell, most places don't stop the tenure clock while women go off to have a baby.
3) As far as money goes, we have health insurance, and at least right now we aren't paying back any student loans.
4) I *think* we could both still get our dissertations written on schedule. Actually, as grad students who only teach 1 class, we're in the most flexible positions we'll be in for a looooong time. We schedule our office hours, our diss hours, etc. and we have no committee obligations.
5) I don't really believe that I'm somehow cheating my baby if I were to decide to have another one soon. Lots of people, for a variety of reasons, plan and deliver their babies close together.
6) In the end, I'm never going to let what other people think stop me from making my own reproductive decisions, whether they be advisors, faculty, family, or friends.
7) I'd get to breastfeed come hell or high water!!
8) I know my husband and I would do our best to limit time in daycare.
These lists aren't exhaustive, but they represent the kind of internal dialogue I'm having with myself. I haven't shared all of this with my husband, because I think he'd freak out. But I can't deny that these are my feelings. I really wish I knew why I'm feeling this way!! I don't have many readers, so I'm not counting on much light being shed here, but at least it's out. I've put these feelings down somewhere. Maybe they'll subside. I've been hoping they would. I keep thinking that if I just focus on my girls, stay busy with them, stay busy with my dissertation, that this quasi-yearning will go away. Maybe it's temporary? My brain and my gut seem to be pulling in opposite directions. I'll keep praying to find some guidance, and we'll see what happens.
Due to a variety of issues with the Pill, I've decided to go off it. I unexpectedly ended up not having any pills left this past month, and the difference has been amazing. I've had energy, a sex drive, and I've generally been much happier. Between the hormone problems that come with borderline PCOS (which I was diagnosed with when we were trying to conceive) and the fact that I'd only recently stopped taking the pill, we figured we were pretty safe in having sex this past month. As I was waiting for my period, though, I started counting the cycle days and realized we had indeed had sex on one of my peak ovulation days (had I been ovulating). So, we knew the chance was there, but weren't too worried about it. Hubby said, "If it happens, it happens." I didn't really want to be pregnant, but there wasn't anything I could do about it by then, so I just waited. After I was a couple days late, I got concerned. In the end, we were right, and we were safe: period came, not pregnant.
At my annual gynie visit, I told him of my decision to go off the Pill and explained that hubby and I want to have a third (and final) child, and we'd probably start trying next August (2008). [Reasoning: This way, I'd be pregnant while finishing diss revisions, but not showing while on the market. I'd deliver just after the Spring 08 term is over and have the summer to stay home with baby. And, we're both funded for up to three years after completion, so we wouldn't be in fear of being kicked out into the cold, cruel world.] He said IUDs are really meant for women not wanting to get pregnant at all or at least for 3-5 years, so he suggested I not go that route. Instead, he recommended that we either use condoms or the natural family planning method (or both), especially if it wasn't going to be a problem if I did end up pregnant unexpectedly. I just don't like condoms. I have this weird thing about them...like a "condoms just aren't for married people" mantra. I know it doesn't make sense, but it just seems odd to be using a condom with my husband.
The point is that over the past month, all of this has gotten me thinking about pregnancy - again.
On the Con side of this issue:
1) I'm a busy academic mother, married to a busy academic father, and we're both living on graduate student budgets (meaning we pay the bills, but there ain't nothing left over). The only way we could afford daycare for another baby is by dipping into the financial aid we get each semester.
2) We both want to finish by next fall and plan to enter the market then as well. Hubby is fairly emphatic that dissertations must be almost finished before any baby making can begin.
3) Every once in a while, I realize that I would be lost trying to care for a newborn, while also trying to enjoy all of the baby- & toddler-hood that's left to come from Baby E. My mother has added her two cents that "it's not fair to E" to have another baby so quickly.
4) And then there's the shudder of shame I feel when just thinking about the idea of having to tell my dissertation advisor that I'm pregnant - again - while finishing my dissertation. Not that she'd judge, but I'm sure she'd be disappointed in my decision-making ability (and possibly question my committment to academia).
5) I'm still not sure if any of this is related to my previous breastfeeding issues. Not that I'll ever get completely over those feelings, but I'd hate for a decision like this to be primarily driven by them.
6) I'm not fond of the idea of having another child in daycare.
On the Pro side of the issue:
1) I really can't help the feeling that I'd love to be pregnant right now...or soon. I actually like being pregnant. I like the specialness of it. It's such a unique time and experience, and I enjoy it.
2) As I've been told time and again by long-tenured faculty, I'll never have as much time as I have right now. It only gets busier in terms of academia, especially once you're on the tenure track. From what I can tell, most places don't stop the tenure clock while women go off to have a baby.
3) As far as money goes, we have health insurance, and at least right now we aren't paying back any student loans.
4) I *think* we could both still get our dissertations written on schedule. Actually, as grad students who only teach 1 class, we're in the most flexible positions we'll be in for a looooong time. We schedule our office hours, our diss hours, etc. and we have no committee obligations.
5) I don't really believe that I'm somehow cheating my baby if I were to decide to have another one soon. Lots of people, for a variety of reasons, plan and deliver their babies close together.
6) In the end, I'm never going to let what other people think stop me from making my own reproductive decisions, whether they be advisors, faculty, family, or friends.
7) I'd get to breastfeed come hell or high water!!
8) I know my husband and I would do our best to limit time in daycare.
These lists aren't exhaustive, but they represent the kind of internal dialogue I'm having with myself. I haven't shared all of this with my husband, because I think he'd freak out. But I can't deny that these are my feelings. I really wish I knew why I'm feeling this way!! I don't have many readers, so I'm not counting on much light being shed here, but at least it's out. I've put these feelings down somewhere. Maybe they'll subside. I've been hoping they would. I keep thinking that if I just focus on my girls, stay busy with them, stay busy with my dissertation, that this quasi-yearning will go away. Maybe it's temporary? My brain and my gut seem to be pulling in opposite directions. I'll keep praying to find some guidance, and we'll see what happens.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)