Adult Children

Hubby and I have come to the conclusion that having adult children must be a difficult thing. Groundbreaking, I know, but there you have it.

Lately we have seen an unhealthy cycle of behavior, wherein my oldest daughter gets in trouble, gets very upset (usually the level of reaction is disproportionate to the consequence she is faced with), and then calls my mother. A recent example is that she was at a sleepover and stayed up until 4:30 a.m.(!), after being told explicitly by her friend's mother (at 3:30 a.m.) to go to bed. Her consequence was being grounded from the computer, DVDs, and playing outside with friends for the remaining four days of school break. Enraged and in tears, off to the computer she goes to Skype with my mom, sobbing the whole time, giving an incomplete account of the events, then adding how unhappy she is at school and how mean people are to her (news to me?!). This amounts to her "tattling" on me, and then my mom asks to speak with me.

Not cool people. My mom claims that she's merely there to listen to her granddaughter anytime she needs to talk, thereby implying that I am not, but she questions me as if she has any clue what goes on in our house--half a world away--with our children! Needless to say, I was in no mood to have a conversation with her about my parenting, and I am still shocked that (after raising me!!) she can't see how she's being manipulated.

I realize it must be difficult, as a grandparent, to get a phone call from a grandchild who is upset and for whom you can do nothing because of, among other things, a huge distance of space separating you. I understand that, as a grandparent, your perspective as someone outside the household may be different from those on the inside, which perhaps enables you to notice things the "insiders" don't notice. However, you (the grandparent) are NOT the Mama (or the Daddy)! You have to realize that your adult children may not parent the same way you did, and this could actually be a good thing. We understand your experience and wisdom, but we also deserve some respect for the hard work we do every day with our children. Considering that my mom has never really had to co-parent (not only b/c my parents divorced when I was 10, but also b/c my dad was rarely home when they were married), and considering that she has never experienced a blended family, I really don't see how she thinks she can make judgements about the way Hubby and I parent our children.

The only conclusion I can come to is that having grown-up kids is just as hard as having young ones. They drive you crazy. And when they're young, it's your job to jump in, correct, play judge and referee, and dole out consequences. When they're adults, especially adults with kids of their own, they still drive you crazy....But you're supposed to sit still and keep quiet, at least until your opinion, advice, etc. is requested. This must be maddening. I hope I'll remember it when I'm a grandparent.

Post-Dissertation Productivity: Or, One of the Perks of My Job

Now that the dissertation is finished, I am able to fully realize what is likely the biggest benefit to this job (second, perhaps, to the money): TIME!

I am scheduled to teach 2 classes each semester. This semester, one of those classes has only 2 students enrolled. Despite all logic and normal operations of any university, the powers that be are requiring that this course continue to be offered. So, I have made this class as easy on myself and the students as possible, and suffice it to say that this class takes up less than 2 hours per week of my time. My other class, a basic intro to rhet/comp class, is made up of 12 students. I have taught this course many times over the past 9 years, so there is little prep to be done. The time spent is on reading, commenting on, and grading papers. Since there are only 12 students, though, this is a fairly quick process, leaving me with plenty of time to concentrate on my own work: preparing job market materials, researching, and revising.

Thus far, I've already submitted an essay proposal for an edited collection, and I just submitted a paper proposal for an ASECS panel. The panel organizer is a graduate student I met a couple years ago at a conference in England, and I talked with her again at the 2009 ASECS conference, so I'm hoping (maybe foolishly) that she'll remember me and think "Oh yes, she's a smart person with good ideas...of course I'll accept her paper." Doesn't really matter, because I'm going to the conference whether the proposal is accepted or not. I have also significantly revised my teaching philosophy after noticing some weak spots, reflecting on my experience teaching abroad this past year, and reading some damn fine teaching statements from other people in the field.

The only major task I have yet to finish up is revising my writing sample/journal article submission. I have about 10 things I need to address, change, develop, etc. and then it will be ready to go. It feels so good to be able to choose what I want to work on each day, and it feels even better having the time to get finished what needs to be finished. I know that I'm lucky in the sense that most people do not have this experience as lecturers or graduate students going on the market, and I just hope that the extra time I'm spending on crafting a strong job letter, teaching statement, etc. will pay off in the form of a job!

Crazy Pills

During the process of prepping for the interview I had at the end of the summer, I realized that I would likely go crazy this fall. Even though I spent two days preparing for every possible question, and even though I had answers prepared, examples ready to give, and good questions to ask, I lay awake at night wondering what else I might be missing. I literally lay awake until 4:00 a.m. one night, and that's when it hit me: this is what it will be like in the fall. This is what the job market will do to me. I will be a crazy (and sleep-deprived) person because I don't have the ability to shut my brain off. When there is uncertainty in my life, I get extremely anxious, to the point that I physically, mentally cannot stop myself from trying to think of all the possible scenarios that might play out.* I know that lots of people say, "Just don't worry about what you can't control," but easier said than done. I'm a control freak. Erego, if I'm not controlling things, I'm crazy.

Knowing this about myself, and knowing that, in Doha (and in many Muslim countries) medical conditions like anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. are all lumped into the category of mental illness and thus are pretty much ignored (certainly not treated by experts), I knew I had to do something before we left the States. So, while back in College Town for my graduation, I went to see our family physician. He'd seen me last year when I was having severe anxiety problems just before our move overseas. I explained that the anxiety had never really gone away. It would settle for a while (like after we got most of our major settling in done in Doha), but then it would come back with the next big "Thing" (i.e. the last push on the dissertation and the defense). But what I experienced before and just after the job interview was awful. I also told him how my expat experience has been overall--not the best, though I've survived. Ultimately, he believed it would be best to put me on a maintenance medication, something I take daily for the anxiety (and sometimes depression) that I've experienced since moving here. He also gave me a prescription for another anti-anxiety medication to be taken as needed, during severe episodes of anxiety (like the inability to shut my mind off from the worrying, planning, listing, etc.).

So there you have it....I'm on crazy pills. I don't like it, but I have to be honest and admit that they've helped. I truly feel better. I don't know that I've ever been a big believer in the power of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, but I know that my mood is improved. I feel like things roll off my shoulders a bit easier. It's taken some time to get over the fatigue the daily medication has caused, but the overall result is very positive. The bottom line is that I feel less stressed on a daily basis.

Now, this could absolutely change once the full swing of the semester hits and the job list comes out in a few weeks. But for now, I feel like a better, less crazy, me.

* The most recent example is me laying in bed, wide awake, a few nights ago, wondering when it would be okay to start boxing up some things...you know, for our repatriation next summer!

Early Job Ads

Okay folks, some early ads have appeared, one of which was written for me. Really and truly, someone must have been reading my CV when they wrote this ad, for it is everything I read, write, study, and love! As of today, I still have hope. This could, however, change at any moment. I'll be applying for jobs in my area of specialization, as well as generalist jobs. If the load is a 4/4 (rather than a 5/5), I will also apply to community college positions that offer the chance to teach literature (rather than all comp courses). The goal, of course, is for either myself or Hubby to land a tenure-track job back in the US. If we can get placed at the same school or schools in proximity to each other, then we're happy with taking visiting or short-term gigs. The hope is that being available for interview at our respective field's annual conferences (MLA for me, AHA for Hubby) will help us get to the campus visit stage despite the cost of international airfare. In this economy, though, who knows...and in this market, all sorts of weird things are happening. For example, one school is conducting interviews at a regional MLA conference in early November! Trying to get a jump on hiring the good people? Trying to hire before they get their money taken away? Both? Who knows...

All I know is: We Need Jobs in the US! Let the market season begin....

Viriginity Cream

Seriously folks, I thought I'd seen it all. But yesterday, while browsing at a pharmacy in Doha, I saw Virginity Cream. Yes, you read that right. Well, being my inquisitive self, I had to pick up the box and read the packaging. According to box, the cream contains "special ingredients formulated for a woman's most sensitive areas," which will "strengthen and tighten the vaginal muscles," leaving one feeling "cleansed and refreshed" as well as "feeling tighter."

Wow. Oddly enough, there was no mention of the hymen. A colleague suggested that this is an "Asian thing," which I take to mean that it's a product purchased mostly by Asian women. However, given all the skin bleaching products I've seen here (usually called "fairing cream"), it seems that even Arab women make use of whatever products they feel might enhance their beauty or femininity.

I swear there's an academic essay in here somewhere...now if I only had the time to write it!

Oh, by the way

I GRADUATED!!

I really, truly did it...I don't think I believed 100% that it would happen until I heard them call my name. It was a very bittersweet moment because my advisor, quite unexpectedly, wasn't able to attend and hood me. Instead, my department chair stood in, and it was fine, but my advisor was sorely missed. I wish I could post pics, but none were taken. At least none by my family. I'm sad about this...They didn't want to stay for the entire 2+ hour ceremony (and I don't blame them), so Hubby to the little ones back to the hotel, and my Mom took my oldest daughter back as well. After the ceremony, there I was, all decked out in my hood and gown, with nobody to snap a shot. Le sigh. There was a professional photographer there on behalf of the university though, and I'm supposed to get an e-mail letting me know how to access the photo taken of me getting hooded.

None of us wanted to come back to Qatar. Check that. Eliza wanted to come back because she missed all her things, specifically her books (yes, just like her Mommy and Daddy). After 3 days on the road in three different hotels and a long day (and night) of both domestic and international flights, we finally returned safely to Doha, where our skin will now melt off our faces because of the heat. OMG the HEAT!!

I'm woefully unprepared for this semester's classes, but I shall take care of the shortly. The house is still a disaster area of unpacked things, and Eliza has taken out and played with nearly every toy, book, and craft she owns. She then proclaimed, "I love it here, and I don't ever want to go back to America!" For her, America equals the loss of her stuff (for it won't all fit in the suitcase). We explained that when we move back to America, all of her things will come with us.
Everyone's still trying to get their sleep schedules back to normal. I've been up since 3:00 a.m., and I know I'll pay for it later this evening. Hannah had a successful first day of 6th grade, despite being incredibly scared, anxious, and excited all the same time. I pray that she'll continue to do well, and I know much of her potential rests on my ability to help her get/stay organized at home (her bedroom, backpack, etc.). We still have lots to do over the next few weeks, so blogging may be light (like it isn't already?)....But I really want to blog more this semester, mainly to chronicle the job search process and hold myself to my academic goals of writing, revising, and submitting work.

I Take That as a No?

Yeah, so I haven't heard from the search committee, so I'm assuming I will not get an invitation for a campus visit. This sucks. I tried not to get my hopes up, but clearly I did, and it doesn't feel good to know they like someone else better (for whatever reason). I'm still going through all my answers and thinking about the ways I should have worded something differently, said this instead of that. Just knowing that I haven't made it to the next stage has really deflated me. Really. Deflated.

On top of the job thing coming out of the blue and then disappearing as quickly as it came, some family stuff came up that was pretty nasty. It's a long(-ish) story, but it boils down to being incredibly hurt by my little brother. He is still very much under the influence of my father, yet he doesn't realize this. My father continues to manipulate everyone around him, and while my brother thinks he's immune to it, he so very clearly is not. My father has told him lies about me (that I don't ever call him or return his calls, for example), which have contributed to my brother holding a certain judgment of me that's complete bullshit (not that it's okay to judge people in general, mind you). On top of this, my brother thinks I'm "cold-hearted" for not feeling obligated to maintain some sort of connection--even if it's just superficial--to the man who helped create me. The same man who abused me, brainwashed me, and in no way seeks to have any sort of parent-child relationship based on mutual honesty, respect, and love. Um, yeah, I don't want to have any relationship that isn't based, at least, on mutual respect and honesty....to do so would be unhealthy and set an incredibly bad example for my daughters.

My brother? Agrees that my dad still can't be trusted and doesn't know how to be a parent, but still thinks I should feel compelled to have a relationship with him because he's my dad. No, I do not feel this. Haven't for a long time and probably never will, and it has nothing to do with forgiveness because that happened a long time ago. This has to do with him and his behavior now.

After the longest cry I've had in quite a while, Hubby helped me pull myself together, but I still can't shake the overwhelming sadness I feel about the job, my brother, having to go back to Doha, everything. For some reason, I'm also feeling completely unmotivated to do anything in terms of work, even though now more than ever, I need to get the things done that will help me most on the job market, and I only have 2 more work days before we start cleaning, packing, shipping, and travelling. I should be excited for graduation next week, but I'm not. I need to shake this funk, and it needs to happen quickly.