At today's doctor's appointment, after seeing that Amelia has only gained 2 ounces since last week, the doctor has advised me to supplement with formula. Specifically, he said if, after trying to get her to nurse and actively eat and swallow from both breasts, she's still fussy, I should give her a supplemental bottle of formula. Can I tell you how shitty I feel about this?
I'm upset and worried enough that she isn't gaining the weight we'd hoped to see, and on top of the breastfeeding struggles, now my fear is that she's going to start holding out for the bottle because it's easier and/or start preferring the bottle over the breast. I know the doctor has said I'm doing everything right and everything I can do, but that doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't take away my hurt. In fact, it just makes it all worse because I feel like I've done everything I can do and it still isn't good enough. I'm pissed, discouraged, depressed, and I really don't have a good feeling about how this will turn out. Of course I want her to gain weight, I want her to be healthy, and he said she looks great....but I feel like everything that's happening is out of my control, like I'm being forced to give up, to some extent. This isn't fucking fair, and I hate it...but I don't know what else to do.
Showing posts with label lactation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lactation. Show all posts
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
11 Days and Still Hanging In
I mentioned in my last post that breastfeeding hasn't been as hard as I'd expected it to be. It also hasn't been as easy as I'd expected it to be. That is, while the damage to my nipples isn't nearly as extensive as it was when I tried to nurse Eliza, there is damage nonetheless. Enough nipple shredding that the lactation consultant had me mix up a batch of homemade All-Purpose Nipple Ointment (bacitracin, lotrimin, and cortizone cream) to help the healing process and prevent any yeast infections. Amelia is having problems dropping her bottom jaw far enough to get a good latch on the breast, and then when she gets latched on, she takes a few swallows and just sorta hangs out...forever. She still has some small sucks and flutter sucks, but no substantial eating is going on. Rather, she seems happy to just snooze on and off anywhere from an hour to---this is no typo--three hours! Yes, the other night, she nursed on and off from 5:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. I only left my seat to get water and go pee. So, I've been feeling pretty blue lately, worrying about my milk supply, my seeming inability to breastfeed successfully, and a thousand other things.
For instance, I feel an enormous amount of guilt for the toll my decision to breastfeed is taking on my time with E and H. With the hours and hours I spend nursing each day, that's time that I don't get to spend with my other daughters, tucking them in at night, giving a bath, playing outside, etc., and I feel like total shit. Or more precisely, I feel like I'm caught between a rock and hard place. If I continue to breastfeed, I know it won't always take up this much time and, God willing, it won't always be this difficult. The lactation consultant (LC) gave me tips on how to keep Amelia actively swallowing while she nurses (massaging the breast, rubbing her head, switching the latch or breast when she stops), but the advice hasn't exactly proven 100% effective, and my nipples haven't shown any signs of healing, which makes me wonder if I'm doing anything right in terms of trying to get her to latch on correctly.
I'm praying daily for the strength to continue breastfeeding and for my body to heal so that breastfeeding Amelia is as positive an experience as it was with my first daughter. I'm thanking God every night for a wonderful husband, who has pretty much shouldered the entire burden of taking care of our other two children while I devote such a large amount of my time to nursing the baby. But, I'm also crying a lot and wishing it would all just come a tiny bit easier. The funny thing is, I'm actually getting a decent amount of rest each night. The baby nurses for at least an hour before I head to bed between 10:00-10:30, and if she's still hungry, I let Hubby give her a supplemental bottle of formula (though she's never taken more than an ounce or two). She sleeps until about 2:00, nurses for an hour, and then generally goes back to sleep until 5:30-6:00 a.m. That's really good for a newborn, and I'm thankful for the sleep!
Right now, I just wish I had a live-in lactation consultant...someone to tell me whether I'm doing this right or not. I can't feasibly run to see the LC every day, nor can I take Amelia to the doctor's office to be weighed every day to make sure she's gaining weight. I plan to take her every few days, though, until I'm confident she's getting the nourishment she needs.
I'm just not ready to give this up. Not ready to go through the grieving that I went through when I had to stop breastfeeding Eliza. This is my last baby, and after the problems I had breastfeeding Eliza, I'm doubly invested in giving this all my effort. I've already made it one day longer than I did with Eliza, and my strategy is to just take it one day at a time. That's all I can do for now.
For instance, I feel an enormous amount of guilt for the toll my decision to breastfeed is taking on my time with E and H. With the hours and hours I spend nursing each day, that's time that I don't get to spend with my other daughters, tucking them in at night, giving a bath, playing outside, etc., and I feel like total shit. Or more precisely, I feel like I'm caught between a rock and hard place. If I continue to breastfeed, I know it won't always take up this much time and, God willing, it won't always be this difficult. The lactation consultant (LC) gave me tips on how to keep Amelia actively swallowing while she nurses (massaging the breast, rubbing her head, switching the latch or breast when she stops), but the advice hasn't exactly proven 100% effective, and my nipples haven't shown any signs of healing, which makes me wonder if I'm doing anything right in terms of trying to get her to latch on correctly.
I'm praying daily for the strength to continue breastfeeding and for my body to heal so that breastfeeding Amelia is as positive an experience as it was with my first daughter. I'm thanking God every night for a wonderful husband, who has pretty much shouldered the entire burden of taking care of our other two children while I devote such a large amount of my time to nursing the baby. But, I'm also crying a lot and wishing it would all just come a tiny bit easier. The funny thing is, I'm actually getting a decent amount of rest each night. The baby nurses for at least an hour before I head to bed between 10:00-10:30, and if she's still hungry, I let Hubby give her a supplemental bottle of formula (though she's never taken more than an ounce or two). She sleeps until about 2:00, nurses for an hour, and then generally goes back to sleep until 5:30-6:00 a.m. That's really good for a newborn, and I'm thankful for the sleep!
Right now, I just wish I had a live-in lactation consultant...someone to tell me whether I'm doing this right or not. I can't feasibly run to see the LC every day, nor can I take Amelia to the doctor's office to be weighed every day to make sure she's gaining weight. I plan to take her every few days, though, until I'm confident she's getting the nourishment she needs.
I'm just not ready to give this up. Not ready to go through the grieving that I went through when I had to stop breastfeeding Eliza. This is my last baby, and after the problems I had breastfeeding Eliza, I'm doubly invested in giving this all my effort. I've already made it one day longer than I did with Eliza, and my strategy is to just take it one day at a time. That's all I can do for now.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
BOTTLEFEEDING SUCKS - PART II
(you'll need to read Part I to understand how I got here)
I went through 4 days of almost constant engorgement. I would wake up at night having soaked through 2 layers of breast pads, my bra, my shirt, and the sheets. I began to smell like rotten milk, and my breasts were so much pain I had to use the Vicodin Rx my doctor had given me at the hospital (which made me even more tired than I already was). I finally...my breasts finally dried up (I hate that term).
Now, here's why I hate bottlefeeding:
1 - Bottles are ALWAYS in another room; they're never where you are.
2 - They have to be washed and assembled EVERY day.
3 - They have to be toted along with you wherever you go (a problem if you're going anywhere for an extended period of time).
4- Bottles must be filled with formula that costs a shitload of money!
5- Formula must be mixed for the day every day (unless you're rich and you can afford the no-mix, ready-to-drink kind). Precisely measured and mixed.
6- Bottles have to be heated to a perfect temperature (not as easy as you'd think).
7- Bottles can be given to baby by anyone (I don't want just anyone to be able to feed my baby!).
8- Bottlefeeding requires (usually) both arms/hands: one side to cradle the baby, the other to hold the bottle, leaving no hands to do anything else with (I used to be able to actually eat while breastfeeding).
9- Bottlefeeding results in much more spit-up (and thus spit-up stains) and much stinkier poop (sorry, I really do have a super-sensitive stomach, even when it's my own child's poop).
10- Last but not least, bottlefeeding sucks because it's not what I wanted for my baby!!
This last reason is the most important one because this is an issue I'm STILL dealing with! It still breaks my heart that I couldn't continue nursing. I still feel guilty about not being able to do for one daughter what I did for the other. I'm still paranoid about every germ out there that she could possible come into contact with (as if breastfeeding would've provided some sort of magic shield against all illness). I'm still jealous when I hear my friends mention nursing their babies. I feel like this is a horribly unfair punishment to me on some cosmic level and - most of all - I don't know why I can't get over it.
I went through 4 days of almost constant engorgement. I would wake up at night having soaked through 2 layers of breast pads, my bra, my shirt, and the sheets. I began to smell like rotten milk, and my breasts were so much pain I had to use the Vicodin Rx my doctor had given me at the hospital (which made me even more tired than I already was). I finally...my breasts finally dried up (I hate that term).
Now, here's why I hate bottlefeeding:
1 - Bottles are ALWAYS in another room; they're never where you are.
2 - They have to be washed and assembled EVERY day.
3 - They have to be toted along with you wherever you go (a problem if you're going anywhere for an extended period of time).
4- Bottles must be filled with formula that costs a shitload of money!
5- Formula must be mixed for the day every day (unless you're rich and you can afford the no-mix, ready-to-drink kind). Precisely measured and mixed.
6- Bottles have to be heated to a perfect temperature (not as easy as you'd think).
7- Bottles can be given to baby by anyone (I don't want just anyone to be able to feed my baby!).
8- Bottlefeeding requires (usually) both arms/hands: one side to cradle the baby, the other to hold the bottle, leaving no hands to do anything else with (I used to be able to actually eat while breastfeeding).
9- Bottlefeeding results in much more spit-up (and thus spit-up stains) and much stinkier poop (sorry, I really do have a super-sensitive stomach, even when it's my own child's poop).
10- Last but not least, bottlefeeding sucks because it's not what I wanted for my baby!!
This last reason is the most important one because this is an issue I'm STILL dealing with! It still breaks my heart that I couldn't continue nursing. I still feel guilty about not being able to do for one daughter what I did for the other. I'm still paranoid about every germ out there that she could possible come into contact with (as if breastfeeding would've provided some sort of magic shield against all illness). I'm still jealous when I hear my friends mention nursing their babies. I feel like this is a horribly unfair punishment to me on some cosmic level and - most of all - I don't know why I can't get over it.
BOTTLEFEEDING SUCKS - PART I
So here's my take on bottlefeeding. A little history first. I breastfed my first daughter for 6 months. We had a super minor latch-on problem at first, but fixed it in no time, and everything after that was cake! I truly enjoyed the experience, and she flourished physically and continues to do so. She wasn't sick once until she was around 6 months old, and only had 1 ear infection through her entire infancy, toddlerhood, etc.
When I conceived my second daughter (who's now just 6 weeks), I had planned to breastfeed again. I looked forward to doing it all over again, stocking up on all the appropriate equipment (pump, Boppy pillow, nursing bras and pads, you name it). I didn't anticipate any problems as I had already done this before, thus I knew what I was doing. Upon her arrival, the only breastfeeding problem we seemed to have was that she was rarely awake to eat! I mean, seriously, she was the picture of the ultimate sleepy baby. In the hospital, the nurses brought her to me every 2 hours and expected me to scrape the bottom of her bare feet with my fingernail in order to wake her up....only to have her fall right back asleep again once she latched on. Skip ahead...
A few days after we got baby home, I noticed that I had a line right down the middle of my nipples. They were sore, but not intolerable. I just chalked it up to initial soreness and kept nursing. Soon, the pain got worse. I called a La Leche League consultant, and she advised me on how to use the cross-cradle hold. This didn't work; it simply made the line cross a different way on my nipple. In addition, I noticed my nipples were starting to get cracked where they meet the areola. Not good...but I kept going, assuring myself that it would get better soon, and if not, then I'd call a lactation consultant.
By the time baby was a bit over a week old, I was almost in tears every time she latched on. This situation only added to the baby blues I was suffering from. I called a lactation consultant, and she couldn't even see me until the following day. When I went in, she said the damage to my nipples was bad enough that she was worried about mastitis, staph, etc., but she showed me how to use the football clutch and said my nipples should heal in 24-48 hours. The clutch was very difficult to use, but I nursed on, tears and all. 48 hours later, no healing. The cracks in my nipples would re-open every time baby nursed, and even when I pumped. The pain was so bad that I would break into tears every time I nursed, and I didn't see any hope for healing in sight considering that the pump re-opened the wounds as well. After MUCH wrestling with the situation, I felt like I was forced to give up nursing if I wanted to have any sense of normal mental and physical health. After 10 days, I switched to bottlefeeding my new baby, and I've HATED it ever since!
When I conceived my second daughter (who's now just 6 weeks), I had planned to breastfeed again. I looked forward to doing it all over again, stocking up on all the appropriate equipment (pump, Boppy pillow, nursing bras and pads, you name it). I didn't anticipate any problems as I had already done this before, thus I knew what I was doing. Upon her arrival, the only breastfeeding problem we seemed to have was that she was rarely awake to eat! I mean, seriously, she was the picture of the ultimate sleepy baby. In the hospital, the nurses brought her to me every 2 hours and expected me to scrape the bottom of her bare feet with my fingernail in order to wake her up....only to have her fall right back asleep again once she latched on. Skip ahead...
A few days after we got baby home, I noticed that I had a line right down the middle of my nipples. They were sore, but not intolerable. I just chalked it up to initial soreness and kept nursing. Soon, the pain got worse. I called a La Leche League consultant, and she advised me on how to use the cross-cradle hold. This didn't work; it simply made the line cross a different way on my nipple. In addition, I noticed my nipples were starting to get cracked where they meet the areola. Not good...but I kept going, assuring myself that it would get better soon, and if not, then I'd call a lactation consultant.
By the time baby was a bit over a week old, I was almost in tears every time she latched on. This situation only added to the baby blues I was suffering from. I called a lactation consultant, and she couldn't even see me until the following day. When I went in, she said the damage to my nipples was bad enough that she was worried about mastitis, staph, etc., but she showed me how to use the football clutch and said my nipples should heal in 24-48 hours. The clutch was very difficult to use, but I nursed on, tears and all. 48 hours later, no healing. The cracks in my nipples would re-open every time baby nursed, and even when I pumped. The pain was so bad that I would break into tears every time I nursed, and I didn't see any hope for healing in sight considering that the pump re-opened the wounds as well. After MUCH wrestling with the situation, I felt like I was forced to give up nursing if I wanted to have any sense of normal mental and physical health. After 10 days, I switched to bottlefeeding my new baby, and I've HATED it ever since!
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