11 Days and Still Hanging In

I mentioned in my last post that breastfeeding hasn't been as hard as I'd expected it to be. It also hasn't been as easy as I'd expected it to be. That is, while the damage to my nipples isn't nearly as extensive as it was when I tried to nurse Eliza, there is damage nonetheless. Enough nipple shredding that the lactation consultant had me mix up a batch of homemade All-Purpose Nipple Ointment (bacitracin, lotrimin, and cortizone cream) to help the healing process and prevent any yeast infections. Amelia is having problems dropping her bottom jaw far enough to get a good latch on the breast, and then when she gets latched on, she takes a few swallows and just sorta hangs out...forever. She still has some small sucks and flutter sucks, but no substantial eating is going on. Rather, she seems happy to just snooze on and off anywhere from an hour to---this is no typo--three hours! Yes, the other night, she nursed on and off from 5:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. I only left my seat to get water and go pee. So, I've been feeling pretty blue lately, worrying about my milk supply, my seeming inability to breastfeed successfully, and a thousand other things.

For instance, I feel an enormous amount of guilt for the toll my decision to breastfeed is taking on my time with E and H. With the hours and hours I spend nursing each day, that's time that I don't get to spend with my other daughters, tucking them in at night, giving a bath, playing outside, etc., and I feel like total shit. Or more precisely, I feel like I'm caught between a rock and hard place. If I continue to breastfeed, I know it won't always take up this much time and, God willing, it won't always be this difficult. The lactation consultant (LC) gave me tips on how to keep Amelia actively swallowing while she nurses (massaging the breast, rubbing her head, switching the latch or breast when she stops), but the advice hasn't exactly proven 100% effective, and my nipples haven't shown any signs of healing, which makes me wonder if I'm doing anything right in terms of trying to get her to latch on correctly.

I'm praying daily for the strength to continue breastfeeding and for my body to heal so that breastfeeding Amelia is as positive an experience as it was with my first daughter. I'm thanking God every night for a wonderful husband, who has pretty much shouldered the entire burden of taking care of our other two children while I devote such a large amount of my time to nursing the baby. But, I'm also crying a lot and wishing it would all just come a tiny bit easier. The funny thing is, I'm actually getting a decent amount of rest each night. The baby nurses for at least an hour before I head to bed between 10:00-10:30, and if she's still hungry, I let Hubby give her a supplemental bottle of formula (though she's never taken more than an ounce or two). She sleeps until about 2:00, nurses for an hour, and then generally goes back to sleep until 5:30-6:00 a.m. That's really good for a newborn, and I'm thankful for the sleep!

Right now, I just wish I had a live-in lactation consultant...someone to tell me whether I'm doing this right or not. I can't feasibly run to see the LC every day, nor can I take Amelia to the doctor's office to be weighed every day to make sure she's gaining weight. I plan to take her every few days, though, until I'm confident she's getting the nourishment she needs.

I'm just not ready to give this up. Not ready to go through the grieving that I went through when I had to stop breastfeeding Eliza. This is my last baby, and after the problems I had breastfeeding Eliza, I'm doubly invested in giving this all my effort. I've already made it one day longer than I did with Eliza, and my strategy is to just take it one day at a time. That's all I can do for now.

Still thinking about it

Breastfeeding. I'm still thinking about it. There are no special triggers or anything. It's not like I have to see someone breastfeeding or hear about a breastfeeding friend to get the idea back in my head. It's already there. I thought about it two days ago as my baby turned 3 months old. I remembered all the relactation articles claiming that as a particular point at which hormone levels drop dramatically, thus making relactation a bit harder. But then I remembered several case studies and stories from women who were successful in inducing lactation despite having an adopted baby or one older than three months. Those stories make me feel the worst because they act as little voices telling me: "if you really, really wanted to, you could do it...if you were absolutely dedicated, you would do it...you won't stop thinking about it until you finally do it." I even researched the cost of the hospital-grade electric pumps that are recommended for inducing lactation, thinking I might buy one with the extra money my husband and I are getting on our tax refund.

I even find myself wishing I could have another baby now (or soon) just to get the chance to redeem myself by breastfeeding again. When my baby stares into my eyes while she's eating a bottle, I'm reminded of how my first daughter used to do that when she nursed, and I miss it all over again. I hate myself all over again. I feel the urge to try all over again.

I want to not think about it anymore. I wish there were a trigger for my thoughts, because then I could just avoid it. I wonder what miracle might happen if I just started putting my baby to the breast every hour. I believe in miracles, you know.

My husband doesn't understand this. He thinks I'll keep thinking about this until our baby starts eating solid food. What if I do? I wonder how many other women have gone through this? I wonder if they had any miracles? I feel silly, and sad, and crazy, all at the same time. I'm embarrassed to talk about it, but I'm not really sure why. Or maybe it's because there are just too many reasons why.

The good fight is over....Day 4

So I found out on Monday (Day 4 of relactation efforts) that it would cost $55/mo plus $80 for the kit to rent the pump needed to continue the relactation process. This is honestly not in our household budget, especially at this time of the year. Not to mention that this would completely elide the closeness that I'd normally be sharing if I could actually nurse my baby at the breast, and the cost for the pump is only part of it. I'd also have to continue the medication ($30/mo) and herbs ($20-$40/mo). There are just too many factors riding agains me at this point, so I've decided to make my peace with not being able to breastfeed my baby.

My husband asked me if I'd be "okay" with it this time, or if I'd continue thinking there was something else I could've done. I can truly say that this time, I gave it my best shot. The baby doesn't seem to be any worse for the formula feeding. She's 7 weeks old and almost 12 lbs, and our schedule thus far has allowed us to keep her at home, away from germs, viruses, etc. while she builds up her immune system. I don't know if I'll ever be completely guilt free about it, but I certainly feel like it's out of my control at this point. And though I hate it when things are out of my control, I'll just have to deal with it....this one time...

Relactation Efforts - Day 3

And now, I'm bleeding....again... Since I had to stop taking the birth control pills I was on, I've begun a "mini-cycle" (the term the lactation consultant used). "Mini" my ass! For the sake of not providing TMI (too much information), I'll withhold the details. Even worse, I woke up today with some sort of rash on my nipple, complete with burning and itching. I've stopped using the nipple shields because I'm afraid they're partly to blame, and because I can't get Eliza to nurse properly with them on. Things aren't looking good, and I'm starting to feel like a complete loser for getting my hopes up so quickly before I had the chance to realize just how many things could still go wrong with this process. However, I'm certainly feeling like I've definitely given breastfeeding my best effort....I'm going to check into the breastpump tomorrow, but I'm not keen on the idea of losing out on the closeness I'd get with the baby actually on the breast. And, I know I wouldn't be able to pump as much as she'd be able to get if she were nursing. This has been a roller-coaster weekend, and I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some work done at school tomorrow.

Relactation Efforts - Day 2

Well, I got the nursing shields today. Not what I expected. They have a GIANT tip for the nipple space, and I still haven't figured out how the hell I'm going to get the baby to get the tip plus the bottom of my areola in her mouth. I finally just took the thing off and nursed her even with the pain. I also got the Fenugreek and the Blessed Thistle. They didn't have the capsules of the latter, so I'm taking 40 drops of the liquid form 4 times a day. It tastes disgusting, like rancid tea that's been sitting out way too long.

I also thought of a potential problem to this whole relactation thing...I'm supposed to try to nurse her every 2-3 hours (once we get the SNS), but she only rarely eats that frequently. Her schedule is more like every 3-4 hours...I'm guessing this will require me to rent the pump.

The last nursing attempt of the evening left me pretty discourged though. What I thought was a good latch-on turned out not to be, and my nipples were onces again bloody. This doesn't look good. I'm starting to feel like fate is completely against me breastfeeding this baby. I'm looking forward to seeing if pumping will help, as I have yet to see any drops (which isn't unusual).

Relactation Efforts - Day 1

Well, within 24 hours, Baby has already managed to mangle and bloody the nipples again. She is still not getting enough of the bottom of the areola in her mouth, which results in her pinching the nipple right through the middle. I went to see the local lactation consulatant, who supervised our nursing and couldn't believe the baby had already done some damage. She gave me a Rx for Reglan - not so good. After just two pills (I have to take 4 a day), I was hit with nasea, dizziness, and drowsiness. In addition to the Reglan, I'm supposed to take 2 pills 4 times a day of both Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle (herbs to help with milk production). She advised me to go ahead and buy some nipple shields and a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) until my milk comes back. She also said, after watching the baby nurse, that she thinks I should start seeing drops in a few days, and as long as baby will nurse and is getting formula from the SNS, there shouldn't be any need to use a pump. I will only need to resort to the pump if baby stops nursing.

However, after talking it over with my husband and feeling the pain of the latch-on problem again, I've realized that one option might just be that baby won't get the hang of this, and to save the nipples, I'll have to rely on the pump alone... For now, I'm continuing the Reglan and we're going to get the nipple shields tomorrow. If they work - AND I PRAY THEY DO - then I shouldn't be in pain any more, and baby can continue nursing away until the milk comes back. We'll see how it goes!

This just in....RELACTATION!

Okay, so after blogging about my inability to move on and try to get over my sadness and guilt about having to stop breastfeeding, I decided to ask...just what if there was some magic pill or magic way of being able to BF again. As it turns out, THERE IS!! It's called relactation, and after much initial web research (all I've had time to do since 5:00 yesterday evening), I've decided I'm going to try it. The stories out there on this are amazing, with some women even being able to BF adopted babies and toddlers, despite the fact that they were never pregnant themselves - WOW! I continue to be amazed by what the female body can do. I understand that this will require LOTS of committment, time, and patience, but I'm willing to do anything to share that experience again with my daughter. I've already put her back to the breast several times, and we're off to get a super-sized hospital-grade pump and supplemental nursing system today. I go to the Dr.'s office on Tuesday to talk about getting a Rx for Reglan, which is used to stimulate milk production. With luck, according to most of the information I've read so far, I should be able to regain full milk prodcution in about 4 weeks. Keep my relactation efforts in your prayers (if you pray), meditations, and/or thoughts...Or, just wish us luck!