Yay for me!

I just found out that I received an $800 Liberal Arts award for completing my preliminary exams ahead of schedule! I didn't even know such a thing existed, but I'm happy to have it, and it will certainly come in handy...

Double yay! I just got back from a fabulous meeting with my committee chair, who informed me that my proposal is ready to go to OGS (Office of Grad. Studies)! She also gave me a much needed boost of confidence in my project by explaining what features make it so unique and interesting (I look at texts from ballads, bank books, and gambling records to domestic advice books, drama, and early novels). Considering the fact that she's a Distinguished Professor in our department, and one of the most published and respected members of the faculty, I'm grateful for any little kernel of praise she stoically throws my way. Now I can relax a bit and enjoy these last few weeks of alone time with the baby before she goes to daycare in January...I positively won't do any dissertation work during that period!

Dissertation Fear

So, my dissertation proposal was well received by all faculty members at my oral exams, and they recommended only minor changes in the form of including an outline of the project and a bit more detail about what I want to do with the material on which I'm focusing. I made these changes, submitted the revised copy to my committee chair, and she commented on what I "super" project this is. After looking at the newest draft, she only had one suggestion, which related to identifying more clearly the texts I'll be using in my work. This, however, is a PROBLEM right now....

Because the kind of project I'm working on hasn't yet been done (seriously, there's this black hole in the literary scholarship), I don't know which texts will be best served in my work. I'm looking at British literary texts (fiction, non-fiction, women's life writing, advice books, economic ledgers, wills, etc.) between 1695-1722 that reflect women's access to, representation of, and participation in the discourse of credit. As an 18th c. scholar, I'm familiar with the canon of the long 18th c. My project, however, covers the period before the canonical novel is established and just as the first professional female novelists are coming to popularity. And because much of my focus deals with non-fiction texts like advice books, wills, women's letters and journals, etc., I've only had minimal contact with them up to this point. Basically, the problem is that I haven't yet read enough material from these specific years and in these specific genres to know which texts I want (or should) use for my dissertation. I don't want to simply cherry-pick works at random for the sole purpose of finishing the proposal and submitting it to the Office of Graduate Studies either. Argghhh! I'm meeting with my chair tomorrow for coffee, so we'll see what she recommends, but for now I'm really feeling like I'm flying blind. That's both a good thing (because I don't have any particular agenda or biases), and a bad thing (because who knows what I could inadvertently miss).

The good fight is over....Day 4

So I found out on Monday (Day 4 of relactation efforts) that it would cost $55/mo plus $80 for the kit to rent the pump needed to continue the relactation process. This is honestly not in our household budget, especially at this time of the year. Not to mention that this would completely elide the closeness that I'd normally be sharing if I could actually nurse my baby at the breast, and the cost for the pump is only part of it. I'd also have to continue the medication ($30/mo) and herbs ($20-$40/mo). There are just too many factors riding agains me at this point, so I've decided to make my peace with not being able to breastfeed my baby.

My husband asked me if I'd be "okay" with it this time, or if I'd continue thinking there was something else I could've done. I can truly say that this time, I gave it my best shot. The baby doesn't seem to be any worse for the formula feeding. She's 7 weeks old and almost 12 lbs, and our schedule thus far has allowed us to keep her at home, away from germs, viruses, etc. while she builds up her immune system. I don't know if I'll ever be completely guilt free about it, but I certainly feel like it's out of my control at this point. And though I hate it when things are out of my control, I'll just have to deal with it....this one time...

Relactation Efforts - Day 3

And now, I'm bleeding....again... Since I had to stop taking the birth control pills I was on, I've begun a "mini-cycle" (the term the lactation consultant used). "Mini" my ass! For the sake of not providing TMI (too much information), I'll withhold the details. Even worse, I woke up today with some sort of rash on my nipple, complete with burning and itching. I've stopped using the nipple shields because I'm afraid they're partly to blame, and because I can't get Eliza to nurse properly with them on. Things aren't looking good, and I'm starting to feel like a complete loser for getting my hopes up so quickly before I had the chance to realize just how many things could still go wrong with this process. However, I'm certainly feeling like I've definitely given breastfeeding my best effort....I'm going to check into the breastpump tomorrow, but I'm not keen on the idea of losing out on the closeness I'd get with the baby actually on the breast. And, I know I wouldn't be able to pump as much as she'd be able to get if she were nursing. This has been a roller-coaster weekend, and I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some work done at school tomorrow.

Relactation Efforts - Day 2

Well, I got the nursing shields today. Not what I expected. They have a GIANT tip for the nipple space, and I still haven't figured out how the hell I'm going to get the baby to get the tip plus the bottom of my areola in her mouth. I finally just took the thing off and nursed her even with the pain. I also got the Fenugreek and the Blessed Thistle. They didn't have the capsules of the latter, so I'm taking 40 drops of the liquid form 4 times a day. It tastes disgusting, like rancid tea that's been sitting out way too long.

I also thought of a potential problem to this whole relactation thing...I'm supposed to try to nurse her every 2-3 hours (once we get the SNS), but she only rarely eats that frequently. Her schedule is more like every 3-4 hours...I'm guessing this will require me to rent the pump.

The last nursing attempt of the evening left me pretty discourged though. What I thought was a good latch-on turned out not to be, and my nipples were onces again bloody. This doesn't look good. I'm starting to feel like fate is completely against me breastfeeding this baby. I'm looking forward to seeing if pumping will help, as I have yet to see any drops (which isn't unusual).

Relactation Efforts - Day 1

Well, within 24 hours, Baby has already managed to mangle and bloody the nipples again. She is still not getting enough of the bottom of the areola in her mouth, which results in her pinching the nipple right through the middle. I went to see the local lactation consulatant, who supervised our nursing and couldn't believe the baby had already done some damage. She gave me a Rx for Reglan - not so good. After just two pills (I have to take 4 a day), I was hit with nasea, dizziness, and drowsiness. In addition to the Reglan, I'm supposed to take 2 pills 4 times a day of both Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle (herbs to help with milk production). She advised me to go ahead and buy some nipple shields and a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) until my milk comes back. She also said, after watching the baby nurse, that she thinks I should start seeing drops in a few days, and as long as baby will nurse and is getting formula from the SNS, there shouldn't be any need to use a pump. I will only need to resort to the pump if baby stops nursing.

However, after talking it over with my husband and feeling the pain of the latch-on problem again, I've realized that one option might just be that baby won't get the hang of this, and to save the nipples, I'll have to rely on the pump alone... For now, I'm continuing the Reglan and we're going to get the nipple shields tomorrow. If they work - AND I PRAY THEY DO - then I shouldn't be in pain any more, and baby can continue nursing away until the milk comes back. We'll see how it goes!

This just in....RELACTATION!

Okay, so after blogging about my inability to move on and try to get over my sadness and guilt about having to stop breastfeeding, I decided to ask...just what if there was some magic pill or magic way of being able to BF again. As it turns out, THERE IS!! It's called relactation, and after much initial web research (all I've had time to do since 5:00 yesterday evening), I've decided I'm going to try it. The stories out there on this are amazing, with some women even being able to BF adopted babies and toddlers, despite the fact that they were never pregnant themselves - WOW! I continue to be amazed by what the female body can do. I understand that this will require LOTS of committment, time, and patience, but I'm willing to do anything to share that experience again with my daughter. I've already put her back to the breast several times, and we're off to get a super-sized hospital-grade pump and supplemental nursing system today. I go to the Dr.'s office on Tuesday to talk about getting a Rx for Reglan, which is used to stimulate milk production. With luck, according to most of the information I've read so far, I should be able to regain full milk prodcution in about 4 weeks. Keep my relactation efforts in your prayers (if you pray), meditations, and/or thoughts...Or, just wish us luck!