Enabling, Protecting, and Resenting the Single-Parent Feeling

Following up on my last post, I can say that there's no way I'd let H live with her natural father. No, it would not be the best thing for her...for all sorts of reasons. She'd feel like I gave up on her, she'd feel like an outsider moving in to her Dad's "re-made" family, and ultimately, it would absolutely break my heart to be apart from my child. Like a piece of me floating out in the unknown, afraid and hurt, and feeling abandoned by the one person who'd been the constant factor in her life. It will never happen, and I'm ashamed for even thinking of it.

That said, after our incident last week, I talked with a neighbor, who happens to be a counselor at our university, and he offered some extremely helpful insight into our situation. He gave sound advice for a two-prong approach to helping H devlelop an internal motivation for making the changes that are needed for both her academic success and her emotional development (not to mention her relationship with me). The first step is to establish one of her school counselors as H's "Coach"...kind of like a life coach, except this will be to keep her on the right academic path. This might include having her stay after school for the study sessions that are offered 3 times a week, rather than having me help her with homework. The second step is to get her into counseling with someone who works with kids. We have a person in Doha who has many years of experience (in the US and here), and we've met her before. I like her a great deal, and I think she could have a lot to offer Hannah.

It's a fine line that I'm walking between wanting desperately to help Hannah stay organized, be successful in her academic work, maintain healthy friendships, and protect her from the nasty bullies that live in our compound and make their rounds at her school AND resenting the fact that I feel like my ex-husband is getting out of all this shit scot-free! He doesn't have to fight, argue, negotiate, and battle with Hannah over homework, clothes, time on the TV, her attitude, etc. He's living the farm life on the fucking Ponderosa, and I'm left with the hard ass work that is parenting a child (one with ADHD at that)! While Hubby is wonderful about being a co-parent, when it comes to Hannah, she very often will only "deal" with me. She prefers me to help her with homework, she looks to me for the "final word" on house rules, and it's me that she pushes to the edge with her backtalk and attitude. It's a dynamic between her and I that, I'm afraid, will turn into something toxic over the next couple years. Even more importantly, I'm terrified of the decisions she might make as a result of that dynamic.

At the end of the day, I'm doing the best I can, but I always feel like it's never enough.

Out of Tricks, Out of Energy, Out of Confidence

I'm officially at my wit's end with H. I'm mentally, physically, emotionally drained almost daily after arguing, asking, pleading, threatening, negotiating ad nauseum over homework, room cleaning, and her habit of speaking to Hubby and I disrespectfully, talking back, and sometimes, downright lying to our faces. We've had a couple notes from teachers regarding bad academic habit/work practices (which she has covered up at home). Almost daily she forgets something she needs for school (her planner, her math binder, her special thing she needed for science class), and then she calls at 8:00, as I'm on my way out the door with one of the other kids (and then to my office to actually work for the day), and she genuinely expects me to a) go find the lost thing and b) bring it to her at school, which is all the way across town.

I love my children--each of them--more than life itself. Raising them is the biggest joy of my life, and I thank God for having blessed me with three healthy, happy daughters. But, I feel like I'm drowning when it comes to H. I feel like nothing I do is right, no matter how many books I read, no matter how many coping strategies I try to implement (for her *or* for me). When I have to take two Valium just to cope with the frustration, anxiety, and stress of helping her with her homework, there is clearly a problem. When I make myself a bloody mary to help me calm down after the hour and a half long battle (and that is truly what it feels like), there's clearly a problem. I feel like a parenting failure. I feel like nothing I do with her is--or will ever be--good enough. Like I'll never be the mother she expects me to be no matter what I do.

Today, the thought actually crossed my mind: Is is possible she'd be better off living with her natural father? She seems to respect everyone else in our family except Hubby and me. Doctors have explained that this is natural because she sees us as the ones who will never give up on her, who will love her no matter what. But sisn't sending her to live with her natural father doing just that: giving up? -+But I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy. I feel like so much of my time and energy is spent dealing with the challenges that she faces, that I end up shortchanging my other two children, as well as my husband, and I won't even begin to consider myself. Utlimately, I sometimes I feel like I'm losing my damn mind and that's it's all my fault.

I feel like I have no support system, no human resources for dealing with these issues. Furthermore, I feel like I don't have the time it takes to do everything: teach, work on my research and writing, pursue the job market, spend quality time with my family, *and* figure out how to create a healthy, strong, trusting relationship with a daughter who is faced with a variety of ADHD problems (in addition to going through puberty). I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of professional, personal, familial, and emotional needs, and there is no life raft to be found.

Part of me wants to believe that things would be better if we were in the States, but I can't be sure of that. I just know that something has to change soon because I can't hang on much longer.

Second Try Worked!

The original proposal I sent in for an ASECS panel did not get accepted, but within an hour, I had it revised and sent it off to a proposed roundtable, and it was accepted--yay! So, with the exception of actually landing a job, I have accomplished 2 of my 3 professional goals for the academic year:

1) Get something accepted for publication
2) Get something accepted for ASECS

Go team!

This past week has been really rough because Eliza started her new school...like an official school. It's an international school based on the British curriculum system. Most of the students are either Dutch or American, but she'll still be gettting Arabic lessons, so I hope she remembers something from the spring. She's got the uniform (which is darling!), the school-issued bag, PE kit, and everything. I love the school and her teacher, and it will be a great experience for her. The only downside is that she has to be there by 7:30 a.m.!! ACK! I know, I know...lots of parents have to drop their kids off at this time to be at work by 8:00, but it's been a heck of a long time since *I've* been one of those parents, so it will take some adjusting. Anyway, lots of sleep deprivation and trying to figure out how to balance the research needed to complete this essay, get grading under control, and apply for jobs has ensued. I've finished all but a few of my job letters, and I think I have a plan for scheduling each type of "work": 1 day job stuff, 1 day of all teaching stuff, and 3 days of solid research & writing. More realistically, this means some of my grading will have to come home with me on occasion, but I've done that before, so no big deal.

And Now, to Write the Thing...While on the Market

So, I am very excited to have something accepted for publication, yes? Except now I'm stressing. This is the first thing I will have written without my advisor sort of overseeing the project. The co-editors e-mailed to let me know that they deadline for essays is January 31st. Is this a good amount of time? Shorter than usual? Longer? I have no idea what normal is here. I don't think there will be any problem meeting the deadline, but I just feel the pressure of knowing this essay needs to be perfect: well written, well researched, innovative, and provocative. It's been a while since I've been in the research/drafting mode, so I'm still trying to figure out a realistic schedule...like 3-4 pages a week plus the researching that needs to be done as I write....and send out job materials.

Yes, the MLA job list came out last week, and I had to laugh out loud at some of the positions. Were they in my field? Sure. But, will schools like Georgetown, Cornell, Columbia, and Dartmouth hire me? I doubt it. Of course, I'll apply anyway because I'm crazy like that. My advisor says they are "possibles." Meh. There's actually a job at a very good state school, an R1, where I know one of the department faculty who's in my field pretty well. I've worked with her before, and I adore her and her work. She's brilliant, productive, and very supportive of junior scholars. I'm hoping that it will help to know someone on the inside, though it may not count for anything at all. I'm also hoping that the MLA list gets much longer very soon. Right now, there are about 23 jobs for which I'm applying (only 2 of those are generalist positions, and 1 is a postdoc). I'm also hoping that some smaller schools start placing ads in my area because the ones that are hiring now would be really long-shots for me.

I'm Getting Published!

Woohoo!! The proposal I submitted to an edited collection on a non-dissertation-related topic has been accepted for publication! Very exciting, considering the proposal I submitted for the ASECS panel did not get accepted (but I'm trying out a second option there).

Anywho, totally excited about getting published, especially with a good press, but I'm already feeling the stress of the fact that a) the essay has yet to be written and b) there is a deadline--eek. I don't know how much time is usually given for these things, but they want my essay by January 31st, because the senior editor at the press wants to move quickly on the collection, having it out/published in 2012. So, I have approximately 3-4 months to complete the research for and write this 20-25 page essay...in addition to preparing all the job letters, materials, etc. I can do this, right? I have to do this!

I'm doing this!

Speaking of Teaching...A Question for Readers

There's a good chance that if I asked to teach it, I could probably get a section of Technical Writing to teach in the spring semester. Should I ask?

On the plus side: the experience. I can say, "Why yes, I'm teaching that next semester, so of course I'm qualified to teach technical writing."

On the down side: it would be a new prep and one that I'm bored just thinking about (if I'm being totally honest).

What say you? Just get it over with?

Dude Who Got the Job

I found out who got the job I interviewed for at the end of the summer, and I totally understand why I didn't get the job: I was too research-y.

Dude Who Got the Job (DWGJ) had been an adjunct at a small, combined/regional branch of a state school and had many years of teaching experience (though probably not too many more than myself). He'd been adjuncting since 2001, and though his listed specialty was more of a fit with the job ad, he'd never published anything, nor were there any conference papers to his name since earning the PhD.

When asked in the interview about my research, I had three projects to discuss with them, two of which were publication opportunities (one article and the dissertation/book manuscript). For a teaching school, I can see how I would look like a candidate that cared a great deal about my research, whereas DWGJ had the past nine years to teach all sorts of introductory literature and writing courses (including tech writing, which I've never taught) and had demonstrated the ability to carry a 4/4 (at least) teaching load.

Lesson learned: try to recognize when a school may be asking about research in order to determine what kind of teacher you are/will be.