Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Even though it's her Dad...
The eldest Obama daughter intently videos his address...and she's doing it with some serious focus. I find this cute in a precocious way.
Academic angst, Hormones, and More Stuff to Worry About
Yeah, so I'm a bit terrified. Today's the first day of classes, and I'm team-teaching a senior seminar course on Aphra Behn with my advisor. She could teach this in her sleep. She could teach this blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back. I, however, have no fucking clue what I should be doing. I know what I usually do when I teach, but this may not be what she considers "good teaching", so what if she hates it? What if she thinks I'm an incompetent boob who shouldn't be allowed near English majors? What if my normally great rapport with students falls short because they see that she is clearly the Queen Bee, and I am the lowly graduate student who wants to be a professor when she grows up. Yes, I'm all in knots about trying to figure out how much I should prepare for the days when my advisor is leading class, and how much/if I should alter my normal teaching style to address seniors.
I usually start class off by offering some guiding questions or issues to discuss and then I sit back and let the students take it from there. After this, I just "direct traffic" and let them determine what direction the class discussion should take. My worry is that my advisor will see this approach as lazy or unchallenging. Agghh...I kinda want to vomit right now.
Adding to this, I can't even take pleasure in watching any of the inauguration coverage because I'm so hormonal I start tearing up as soon as see the images of history being made. I don't mean just a little bit of watery eyes, either, I mean full-blown cry.
And it gets even better (well, actually worse)....it turns out that the last surgical procedure I had on my neck last May?? Well, its effects have worn off. I found this out after waking up last Tuesday morning with near immobilizing pain. The neurologist admitted that the information I'd been given last year, about the surgery lasting anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, was inaccurate. Instead, he said that 6 months to 1 year was more like it...big fuc&*ng difference Doc!! The best he could offer was trigger-point injections of anasthesia, which would numb the area and buy some time for the steroids to work. Just a little FYI: trigger-point injection fucking HURT!! Seriously, I was screaming and crying and wishing I'd just gone back home! It felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly with a knife in my neck. I'll NEVER go through those again!
On top of the neck issue returning and the general lower back/sciatica pain that comes with pregnancy, it also looks like I may need a root canal! I woke up with a bad toothache on Sunday, went to the dentist yesterday, and the x-ray showed what looked to be an abcessing tooth. So, off to the endontist I go. Let's see, how many doctors do I have now: general physician; obstetrician; dentist; orthodontist; peridontist; endontist; neurologist. Seven doctors. At 32 years old, I should not have seven doctors unless I have some sort of terminal illness. I just feel like my body is failing me, and it sucks. I'm going to start a pre-natal yoga class on Saturday, which I'm hoping will help with both the neck and back pain and generally help me to feel a little more mentally and physically balanced. I've never done yoga, so I'm not sure what to expect. We'll see how it goes...things have to get better though, right?
I usually start class off by offering some guiding questions or issues to discuss and then I sit back and let the students take it from there. After this, I just "direct traffic" and let them determine what direction the class discussion should take. My worry is that my advisor will see this approach as lazy or unchallenging. Agghh...I kinda want to vomit right now.
Adding to this, I can't even take pleasure in watching any of the inauguration coverage because I'm so hormonal I start tearing up as soon as see the images of history being made. I don't mean just a little bit of watery eyes, either, I mean full-blown cry.
And it gets even better (well, actually worse)....it turns out that the last surgical procedure I had on my neck last May?? Well, its effects have worn off. I found this out after waking up last Tuesday morning with near immobilizing pain. The neurologist admitted that the information I'd been given last year, about the surgery lasting anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, was inaccurate. Instead, he said that 6 months to 1 year was more like it...big fuc&*ng difference Doc!! The best he could offer was trigger-point injections of anasthesia, which would numb the area and buy some time for the steroids to work. Just a little FYI: trigger-point injection fucking HURT!! Seriously, I was screaming and crying and wishing I'd just gone back home! It felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly with a knife in my neck. I'll NEVER go through those again!
On top of the neck issue returning and the general lower back/sciatica pain that comes with pregnancy, it also looks like I may need a root canal! I woke up with a bad toothache on Sunday, went to the dentist yesterday, and the x-ray showed what looked to be an abcessing tooth. So, off to the endontist I go. Let's see, how many doctors do I have now: general physician; obstetrician; dentist; orthodontist; peridontist; endontist; neurologist. Seven doctors. At 32 years old, I should not have seven doctors unless I have some sort of terminal illness. I just feel like my body is failing me, and it sucks. I'm going to start a pre-natal yoga class on Saturday, which I'm hoping will help with both the neck and back pain and generally help me to feel a little more mentally and physically balanced. I've never done yoga, so I'm not sure what to expect. We'll see how it goes...things have to get better though, right?
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Food Issues
Is it wrong for me to keep a giant bag of Cheetos (and various other snacks and treats) at my office rather than at home, so as to avoid having to share with my husband or children? I mean, seriously, Hubby can take out an entire bag of chips in one sitting, and I could be eating a bowl of shit and the kids would still want a bite! What's up with Mama never getting to have her own damn food?! In my defense, I kind of live at my office, M-F, 9:00-5:00, so having food up here makes sense, especially when I forget to bring my lunch sometimes. Nonetheless, I feel guilty when I see my cheesy fingers...a bit like blood on my hands.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
The Urge Toward "Other Options"
After this year's job market experience, in which I expected nothing and got nothing, I'd decided not to enter into the spring job market so as not to take any time away from the dissertation. Though there are never any guarantees, I remain hopeful that, with PhD in hand, my next job market run (Dec 09) will be better (not like it could be worse, right?). The problem/issue is that I can't seem to shake the thought, feeling, or maybe urge is the best word, that I'm ready to be done and move on. By this I mean primarily to have a full-time job. A colleague put it best today when she described this urge as my way of disassociating myself from my department, school, and this town. I'm mentally preparing myself for the moving on that will happen when I get a job. The problem is that I'm not terribly patient when it comes to things other than my children. Maybe it's partly in my nature and partly a result from having two children and a third on the way, but I'm seriously wondering if I should consider "other options," options that depart from the traditional
Step 1: finish diss and hit job market in Dec w/PhD in hand, with the hope of
Step 2: landing a t-t job at the best 4-year school I can find and then
Step 3: publishing my way up to a better school, and so on, and so on.
For example, there are full-time, tenure-track positions open in my field AND my husband's field at a community college (the largest public institution of higher education) in his big, urban, hometown. The course load is 4-4, which would very likely be the course load at any school we'd land jobs at right after we finish. The cost of living is higher, but I'm guessing that the salary accounts for the cost of living. So, my dilemma is whether or not to consider options like this at this point.
On one hand: I have another year of funding as a grad student (teaching only one course per semester), though I won't need another academic year to finish. I have yet to see how the job market treats me with a PhD in hand (neither does my husband). I've been told by the "powers that be" in my department's graduate office that funding as a lecturer will very likely be available for 2-3 years after I finish. I have a history of short-changing myself and my work, thinking neither are good or smart enough; this especially happens when I get scared of unknown factors (i.e. an even worse economy next year, not getting a job even with a PhD in hand, not getting a publication out before or soon after I'm finished).
I'm not sure sure what's on the other hand....Maybe the possibility that I could hate teaching at a cc? Or worse, I'd hate it, but no 4-year would hire after I'd been at a cc? Is there a stigma associated with teaching at cc's that prevents you from moving on to good 4-year universities? What are the statistics for how many people move from a cc to a 4-year? I'm also pretty sure my advisor would expressly discourage me considering this option, at least at this point, unless there were extenuating circumstances (family, personal issues, etc.). I don't have a good sense of self-awareness in terms of knowing with any certainty where or at what kind of school I'd be happy. There are definitely some places I know I'd be miserable at, but how do I know if I'd be happy teaching at a cc (or any other school) if I haven't yet done so? I can't stand the thought of teaching nothing but introductory composition and literature forever, but I also shudder at the thought of the pressure to publish, publish, publish, OR ELSE!
I guess I have the academic equivalent of cold feet or something...I feel the urge to get a damn job now, as long as its one that I could be remotely comfortable with (full-time, tenure-track, not in the desert or CA, FL, ND, SD, WY, or several other states where I don't think I'd be happy living). But, I also recognize the sense it makes to chill out, relax, and follow the Traditional Path of Academic Progress, especially when there's absolutely nothing to lose (at this point) by doing so.
Ugh...this is one of those times where I really wish I had a wide audience who could wisely guide toward the light.
Step 1: finish diss and hit job market in Dec w/PhD in hand, with the hope of
Step 2: landing a t-t job at the best 4-year school I can find and then
Step 3: publishing my way up to a better school, and so on, and so on.
For example, there are full-time, tenure-track positions open in my field AND my husband's field at a community college (the largest public institution of higher education) in his big, urban, hometown. The course load is 4-4, which would very likely be the course load at any school we'd land jobs at right after we finish. The cost of living is higher, but I'm guessing that the salary accounts for the cost of living. So, my dilemma is whether or not to consider options like this at this point.
On one hand: I have another year of funding as a grad student (teaching only one course per semester), though I won't need another academic year to finish. I have yet to see how the job market treats me with a PhD in hand (neither does my husband). I've been told by the "powers that be" in my department's graduate office that funding as a lecturer will very likely be available for 2-3 years after I finish. I have a history of short-changing myself and my work, thinking neither are good or smart enough; this especially happens when I get scared of unknown factors (i.e. an even worse economy next year, not getting a job even with a PhD in hand, not getting a publication out before or soon after I'm finished).
I'm not sure sure what's on the other hand....Maybe the possibility that I could hate teaching at a cc? Or worse, I'd hate it, but no 4-year would hire after I'd been at a cc? Is there a stigma associated with teaching at cc's that prevents you from moving on to good 4-year universities? What are the statistics for how many people move from a cc to a 4-year? I'm also pretty sure my advisor would expressly discourage me considering this option, at least at this point, unless there were extenuating circumstances (family, personal issues, etc.). I don't have a good sense of self-awareness in terms of knowing with any certainty where or at what kind of school I'd be happy. There are definitely some places I know I'd be miserable at, but how do I know if I'd be happy teaching at a cc (or any other school) if I haven't yet done so? I can't stand the thought of teaching nothing but introductory composition and literature forever, but I also shudder at the thought of the pressure to publish, publish, publish, OR ELSE!
I guess I have the academic equivalent of cold feet or something...I feel the urge to get a damn job now, as long as its one that I could be remotely comfortable with (full-time, tenure-track, not in the desert or CA, FL, ND, SD, WY, or several other states where I don't think I'd be happy living). But, I also recognize the sense it makes to chill out, relax, and follow the Traditional Path of Academic Progress, especially when there's absolutely nothing to lose (at this point) by doing so.
Ugh...this is one of those times where I really wish I had a wide audience who could wisely guide toward the light.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Sugar and spice and...whatever
I almost forgot to mention: it's gonna be another girl for the AcadeMama family!
I'd secretly hoped for a girl, as I don't know anything about boys really. I like them and all, but eventually they grow up and get married, and next thing you know, you're the mother-in-law that doesn't get to be in the room when your grandchild is born...Hmph.
So yes, another girl, now if we can only agree on a name. I really like Sydney or Alexandra as first names. Hubby, however, is being slow about picking out names that are even somewhat worthy of serious consideration. We'll see how it goes, we've got right at four months to make a decision.
I'd secretly hoped for a girl, as I don't know anything about boys really. I like them and all, but eventually they grow up and get married, and next thing you know, you're the mother-in-law that doesn't get to be in the room when your grandchild is born...Hmph.
So yes, another girl, now if we can only agree on a name. I really like Sydney or Alexandra as first names. Hubby, however, is being slow about picking out names that are even somewhat worthy of serious consideration. We'll see how it goes, we've got right at four months to make a decision.
Post-MLA Thoughts
Well, I've officially "done" the MLA thing. I can say that I'm happy I went, but this is mainly because the trip was (mostly) paid for with award funds, and I didn't have the pressure of an interview. Yep, no interviews for me this year. I thought I'd be sad about this, but sadness, disappointment, resentment, etc. never came. I was actually a bit relieved, as an interview could have led to a campus visit, which could have led to a job, which would have ensured an enormous pressure to finish all revisions by the time the baby comes in early May. This last task is no small feat, given the fact that I'm team-teaching a course I've never taught before this spring.
By all accounts, the trip to San Francisco was a good one: lovely friends with whom to share my time, lunches, dinners, and sightseeing; a couple of great panels; the opportunity to be introduced to several other big names in my field (a perk of having an advisor who's been doing this for more than 20 years); and a solid sense of the ebb and flow of conference traffic and energy. Should I get an interview in December 2009, I have a definite idea of what I'll do differently (i.e. NOT stay in one of the conference hotels, so as to avoid the whole anxious, crazy energy that permeates the air of every hallway, nook and cranny). A few things I was struck by during my first MLA:
- ill-fitting suits (too many to count), which I'm guessing can be chalked up to graduate students who don't have the money to pay for quality business attire
- how easy it was to spot an MLA-er in a crowd, no matter how far away from the conference you travelled
- the constant flow of traffic in/out of panels, right in the middle of other people's presentations (this is tied with the number of people just dozing through the papers)
- the ridiculous cost of EVERYTHING associated with any of the conference hotels ($13.95 for a 24-hour period of wi-fi access)
- the comfort and ease of the shuttle system between hotels (one of my favorite things!)
- the book exhibit!! Had I known of the wonders of the book exhibit, I surely would have saved all my money to spend here on the last day of the conference, when most things were 50% off!
- how lovely (and awkward) the cash bar can be. I loved seeing all the people from my department in one place, but trying to make small, yet impressive, talk with our job candidates was difficult, especially knowing that only a few of them would make it back for campus visits.
Perhaps the best news I got was from my advisor, who ended up knowing two of the people on the search committee for a job that would have been *really, really* good for me. She ran into them at MLA, and they indicated that they were "impressed" with my materials and I "would likely have been on their short list" had the job search not been cancelled. This news is good enough for me right now, to simply know that my work can hold its own a bit, even ABD.
I have decided, however, that I won't be buying a ticket for MLA 2009 unless I actually get an interview request. It's just too much money to throw away, and Hubby also has the AHA (American Historical Association) to attend immediately after MLA. Of course, he could save us much of the trouble by landing a job during this spring's job season! A girl can dream, right?
By all accounts, the trip to San Francisco was a good one: lovely friends with whom to share my time, lunches, dinners, and sightseeing; a couple of great panels; the opportunity to be introduced to several other big names in my field (a perk of having an advisor who's been doing this for more than 20 years); and a solid sense of the ebb and flow of conference traffic and energy. Should I get an interview in December 2009, I have a definite idea of what I'll do differently (i.e. NOT stay in one of the conference hotels, so as to avoid the whole anxious, crazy energy that permeates the air of every hallway, nook and cranny). A few things I was struck by during my first MLA:
- ill-fitting suits (too many to count), which I'm guessing can be chalked up to graduate students who don't have the money to pay for quality business attire
- how easy it was to spot an MLA-er in a crowd, no matter how far away from the conference you travelled
- the constant flow of traffic in/out of panels, right in the middle of other people's presentations (this is tied with the number of people just dozing through the papers)
- the ridiculous cost of EVERYTHING associated with any of the conference hotels ($13.95 for a 24-hour period of wi-fi access)
- the comfort and ease of the shuttle system between hotels (one of my favorite things!)
- the book exhibit!! Had I known of the wonders of the book exhibit, I surely would have saved all my money to spend here on the last day of the conference, when most things were 50% off!
- how lovely (and awkward) the cash bar can be. I loved seeing all the people from my department in one place, but trying to make small, yet impressive, talk with our job candidates was difficult, especially knowing that only a few of them would make it back for campus visits.
Perhaps the best news I got was from my advisor, who ended up knowing two of the people on the search committee for a job that would have been *really, really* good for me. She ran into them at MLA, and they indicated that they were "impressed" with my materials and I "would likely have been on their short list" had the job search not been cancelled. This news is good enough for me right now, to simply know that my work can hold its own a bit, even ABD.
I have decided, however, that I won't be buying a ticket for MLA 2009 unless I actually get an interview request. It's just too much money to throw away, and Hubby also has the AHA (American Historical Association) to attend immediately after MLA. Of course, he could save us much of the trouble by landing a job during this spring's job season! A girl can dream, right?
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